Unplanned pregnancy and my dream job

[TheRightHonourableLady]

I posted on here a while ago looking for advice with regards to an unplanned pregnancy and new job dilemma, but deleted my account after failing to namechange and posting something extremely outing.

I have four children aged between 5 and 12 (one has pretty severe anxiety issues and another has ADHD) and am 12 weeks pregnant with my fifth. It was unplanned, and when I posted on MN for advice many posters advised me to get an abortion, which I will admit I was considering. I had at the time only started rebuilding things with my OH after he'd cheated on me. However, after telling him he was ecstatic and I decided against this. Things are not great between us now but we are working on it.

I'd also just found out I'd got my dream job, which I assumed I would start in August. I will now be six months pregnant at the time, and I haven't yet told my employers as it's a very demanding and stressful job and I beat off a lot of competition. I know they cannot legally let me go because of my pregnancy, but I feel that I should step down from the role. I am a firm believer that women should never have to give up their jobs due to a pregnancy, unless of course they want to. My reasons for considering rejecting it are:

1. OH has just been made redundant. With his qualifications and experience and the field he works in, getting another job shouldn't be hard, but things are still uncertain.

2. Due to maternity leave I would most likely be off from October until the following April. Because of the nature of the job, this would be disastrous for those I'm working with.

3. I've numerous health problems over the past three years and I don't know if I could manage it or not. I had severe morning sickness with two of my children, though haven't experienced it with this one yet, and several complications.

4. Childcare is an issue, as my mum said she will happily help out but she works 2 days a week. She already picks up my younger children and my DSis' from school everyday and minds them till 5 so I feel guilty asking her to do more.

And yet...it's so selfish but this is my absolute dream job in the best location and the thought of it gives me thrills of excitement. If I turn it down I won't get this opportunity again for a while. I just feel so lost and would really appreciate any advice, even if it is just to tell me how foolish I'm being. Sorry for the long post

You say your husband is delighted by the pregnancy, but are you?

Have you considered the scenario if it doesn't work out between you, and you have the baby?

If he is so ecstatic surely he wouldn't mind taking some time off to be a SAHD so you can go back to your dream job?

I remember your original thread, op and advised you at the time to not go ahead with the pregnancy, due to you not not being 100% sure of continuing with it, your DC having problems & this dream job not being compatible. However you have come to terms with the situation, as has your dh, so The ball really is in your court here, if dh steps up now with his responsibilities, or you get a nanny / mothers help, it should work out, if not, then you don't have time on your side re termination, or how dh would feel if you choose that option.

Chat to DH and see if he would be prepared to look after the children for 6m. Then tell your employer but reassure them that you'll only be off for 6 weeks/8 weeks - up to you. If you've definitely decided to have the baby (which is what I've understood from your post) then I'd really urge others on here not to encourage you to have an abortion.

Failing all else, just tell your new employer and then see their reaction. It might work for them but your trying to judge that in isolation and you won't know until you tell them - they might be completely fine with it.

It sounds like the last thing you need at the moment is a new baby, but if you're decided and happy then it makes perfect sense that he looks after the baby while you get established. If he isn't happy about that and expects you to give up your absolute dream job to have and care for his baby, while he isn't even employed, I'd take it that he sees his life and career as much more important than yours and I would even more be reconsidering being with him and having this baby.

And that's assuming your pregnancy and labour is easy and there are no complications, allowing you to go back after six weeks.

How far gone are you?

I'm 12 weeks gone. I would bring it up with my OH right now but what with pregnancy hormones and our relationship as it is (he cheated on me last year so we're still recovering from that) plus stress from the other kids now probably isn't the time!

I'm wondering if would be better to tell my new employer sooner rather than later? Just because I beat out a lot of other candidates for the job I feel I have a duty to now let them know as soon as I can.

Is a baby the right thing? If the relationship isn't stable pre baby, it's unlikely to be post baby. Tell them if you are 100% sure you want and will have this baby. Also factor in if you can manage 5 children and working if you end up splitting up.

It sounds harsh but a new baby sounds like the last thing you need.

You are very disadvantaged in WoH because of your family situation, and you can't (sadly) rely on your H. You have more employment rights etc when you have been somewhere 2 years, so moving employers is a risk.

He needs to seek a new job too.

Have you actually signed the contract yet.
Don't tell them before you

I haven't signed the contract yet. I feel like I'm overthinking this, but I'm just so stressed!

Understandable, you're in a very difficult situation.

In your shoes I wouldn't be OK with DH SAH, if you split up you could end up with him deemed primary carer and having more time with the DC and you paying maintenance.

That's something I'm really worried about, Dozer, as my mum mentioned it previously. I still love him but trying to come back from cheating is so tricky and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him fully again.

Think I'm getting myself far too worked up about it though, just left a staff meeting because I was about to burst into tears

Are you ok? I'd like to say don't get upset but it's easier to say than do!

Britt I'm alright now thanks, just been a long and stressful day .

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Don't drift into being the sole earner when that entails high risks for you.