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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said no to this childcare request?

78 replies

britespark1 · 09/05/2017 09:12

For background, we moved last summer so new school and nursery for our DSs (6,5 and 4), Middle DS has had some trouble settling in which I have previously posted about. New family moved onto our estate in Jan and their eldest son joined DS (5) in reception class. Started talking to the mum on the playground, her DS is having a few behavioural issues too so common ground but so far we have socialised no more than these playground chats.

Today she has asked me if I could watch her son before school and bring him to school with mine each morning as she has been offered a new job that starts at 8am mon-fri. She does have a partner but he has recently started a new job himself and her family aren't close enough to help. AIBU to have said no as mornings are quite hectic enough with my own 3 and I'm not sure I could cope with another (quite unfamiliar) child?

OP posts:
louisejxxx · 09/05/2017 10:08

I don't think she was cheeky to ask, especially if she has no other help, but you are obviously NBU to decline.

Does the school have a breakfast club she could use?

user789653241 · 09/05/2017 10:10

I have done this for a friend, though only 3 days a week and I have only one child.
Done it for about 6 months, until her shift changed.
Totally regretted it.
Morning is too hectic even with your own child, let alone with someone else's who was very demanding.

JigglyTuff · 09/05/2017 10:12

Strik - I'm a single working parent. My nearest relative lives 75 miles away and works full time. I have asked friends on the odd occasion to have DC early morning/after school if there is no other option. I can count on one hand the times I've done it in the last 5 years because it is my responsibility to sort out childcare for my kids, no one else's.

No one minds helping people out in a bind. But there's a big difference between that and attempted freeloading - which is what the OP is describing.

And Louise - the OP has already said there's a breakfast club at school.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2017 10:14

"I am still baffled why it's so outrageous to ask!"

Because your kid = your problem.

Want to have the financial advantage of living in a two income household? Then pay for childcare.

Don't want the ballache/expense of arranging childcare around your job? Have a SAHP in the family.

You can't have your cake and eat it- especially not at the expense of some woman down the road you've only known a few months. That's taking the piss basically.

HotelEuphoria · 09/05/2017 10:15

Of course YANBU, this is what breakfast school clubs and child minders are for. She should have sorted this before she accepted her new post.

user789653241 · 09/05/2017 10:17

I don't mind one offs, but not regularly. Too much commitment.
Once my child was ill, so my dh had to be late for work and look after ds while I took her child to school.

MyheartbelongstoG · 09/05/2017 10:17

I have a neighbour that has a 30 min walk to school each way. If its raining I will ring her and say I'll drop child to school.

I'm a nice neighbour and we have become friends.

wendywashington · 09/05/2017 10:27

I'm so glad you said no. I was that parent that never did!
The favours l did make me furious looking back...
I was used - l was worn out - my daughter was treated badly by the children l helped with.
I spent way too much time putting myself in their shoes- meanwhile l was walking on stilts in stilettos - 3 sizes too small!Angry

Original poster
britespark1 · 09/05/2017 10:29

I am a nice neighbour MyheartbelongstoG! She has no internet yet and for some reason isn't getting the text messages from school so I print them and the newsletters off for her so she's not missing out on anything important.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 09/05/2017 10:30

I do that too Myheart. Sometimes my friend asks me too as I have a car and she doesn't. But this isn't the same situation. This is asking the OP to look after a reception age child every single day before school

SouthPole · 09/05/2017 10:42

You sound lovely OP.

You did the right thing, she asked, you considered, you refused, she accepted.

No fuming or long deliberations.

We all have to sort our own childcare. It's just the way it is.

Well done for saying no, especially if you aren't very 'confrontational' normally (I know there was no confrontation here but couldn't think of a better word!).

RainyDayBear · 09/05/2017 10:50

YADNBU. As a one off, or for a week or so in genuinely unforeseen circumstance, fair enough. But on a permanent basis, no way!!

lalalalyra · 09/05/2017 11:25

She should have been much clearer what she was after. Asking someone to mind your child everyday for the foreseeable without any payment or anything is cheeky.

Asking someone to help you out for a few weeks until breakfast club has a space or whatever is fine.

Will she be finished at home time (given she didn't ask)? If she'd asked for a reciprocal thing that wouldn't have been cheeky either. I did that everyday for a year - I dropped off and they picked up. Helped us both massively.

NavyandWhite · 09/05/2017 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontPullThatTubeOut · 09/05/2017 11:33

You are not being unreasonable to say no, I would and just couldn't cope with an extra child.

She is also not being unreasonable to ask, it's like that saying "if you don't ask you don't get" she accepted your answer and hasn't been horrible over it so I don't think that warrants some of the awful replies.

I think some people sit on mumsnet purely to argue, be confrontational and stir the pot a bit. They must forget this is real people's lives.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/05/2017 11:36

YANBU. Its okay once in a while. Say in an emergency, but Not every morning.

Strikhedonia · 09/05/2017 11:40

wow, it's sad to read posts like the one from SaucyJack
Because your kid = your problem. You seem to resent your own situation, maybe if you were a little more open-minded you wouldn't be that way.

I can't see the problem with saying "no", but I can't see the problem with asking either. Sometimes having a little friend makes things easier in the morning, it's a good incentive to be ready before he arrives and the kids play together whilst you take care of the youngest ones. The actual concept of helping out someone is not outrageous.
Such a non-story, someone asked, OP said no, no argument, no resentment. I wish everything was that simple.

It's depressing the attitude of some posters who seem to resent anything "free" they haven't got themselves: a friend, in laws providing childcare. Chill out.

purplecollar · 09/05/2017 11:50

It's a bit of an unwritten rule I think when you have dc.

It's ok to ask for a one off favour. The reality of taking someone else's dc to school every day is that your home needs to be relatively tidy, you all need to be up and dressed earlier than you might otherwise have been, it puts a new dynamic into the mix - the potential for them to fall out is there and it's not the same as dealing with your own dc. Then there's behaviour on the way to school. It's hard enough to keep your own safe.

It's not a small favour. It's a big ask. Which is fine if there is a reciprocal arrangement. It's fine if it's a really good friend or family. But not fine if it's an acquaintance wanting to save themselves some money.

That's not to say people don't do one another favours. I do all the time. But for friends. Because there are those that take the piss unfortunately. And it leaves you feeling angry and used if you get caught up by one, not to mention stressed out.

Schools have breakfast clubs for this very purpose costing £2.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2017 12:00

I don't "resent my situation" Strik- I have nothing to resent. Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

I'm very happy to sit in my pyjamas until the last minute rather than get up an hour earlier to look after random people's kids for free TBH.

But keep digging tho. I always wondered what BS these sort of cheeky feckers were telling themselves to excuse looking after their own kids; and now thanks to you- we can all see Smile

SoupDragon · 09/05/2017 12:04

I don't see anything cheeky with her asking. She just asked, not demanded.

I do this for a friend and did it for another too but i only have one primary aged child and they're older than the OP's (and I've known the childrenvirtually their entire lives!). It's not been a problem. I'm not sure if I could have done it when my older two were KS1 age though.

Strikhedonia · 09/05/2017 12:14

Sorry to disappoint SaucyJack, but I am on the other side. I am the house who didn't mind taking one or 2 kids in the morning (or afternoons) when I wasn't working. Been SAHM and working mums, not that it matters. I pay for the childcare I need, and I also have friends who help. Shock horror, what a concept. free help!

I am not spending my morning in my pyjamas, it takes me 0 effort to prepare 2 more slices of toasts and add an egg, my kids enjoy the company and sharing their toys or pouting on mobile for the oldest.
My only rule is that copying homework is not allowed, you do your own. Mornings have never been a massive drama in this house, and my kids get ready much quicker when they know friends are coming over.

Again, if you don't want to help out, it's not convenient for you, then just don't.

The sad thing is, if you had asked, you might have found someone like me who would have actually been happy to help.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2017 12:53

And the really sad thing is is that I don't even want to dump my kids on other people before school.

Pray for me Strik. Pray for my snooze button.

Mumzypopz · 09/05/2017 12:58

People do think funny things don't they. A friend of mine told me that when she walks to school in the morning with her kids, she passes a Grandad also walking his kids to school. She was wondering whether it would be acceptable to ask him to take hers too.....I was gobsmacked ..she didn't know this man from Adam!!!!

strawberrygate · 09/05/2017 13:27

I am lucky that even in London people around me are more open-minded, maybe because there are lots of foreigners and a good multicultural mix

christ almighty, I don't even know where to begin with this one apart from it's one of the most offensive things I've read in a long time. Shame on you

katkitkat · 09/05/2017 13:39

YANBU

A one off favour, or even maybe 1 day a week, not such a big deal, but every single school day as a permanent arrangement, that's cheeky.

Mornings are stressful for most people, especially parents needing to get several kids out of the house for about half 8. Adding extra kids to the mix, every day, no thanks.

A friend asked me to look after her 2 year old for 2 days a week, from 8:30am till 4pm, and even asked me if I would meet her at the bus stop so she could pass the kid to me and she could stay on the bus Shock I had no double buggy, not enough space in my car for the number of car seats I would need and things I like to do each week that would no longer be possible with another toddler.

Some people are just bloody cheeky. Organise and pay for the child care you need, and save asking for help like this as a one off!