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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be panicking at what if anything I should do

47 replies

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:10

Hi. Just a heads up I've named changed as it's a bit of sensitive subject and can't risk being recognised. It's about a family member (dh's side) and I don't know if I'm best keeping out of it but if I do I don't really know how best to be normal around this person knowing what I know.

This relative has a partner and young children and they have a very strange set up how they live (I can't say any more than about that). Dh's side of the family are all very close and some family members have noticed something was a bit off about their behaviour and overall set up. The pair of them are always loaded even though they both have low paid jobs and I believe they've both lied to the family on many occasions and have fabricated many a tale. Up until recently family have fell for it until another relative of my dh's told him last week what the situation really is.

The top and bottom of it is my dh has been told that his relative and their partner are growing pot in their house and selling it. As soon as dh and I heard it we believed it as every lie and tale they've told up until now has fallen into place and we can now see the bigger picture. Apparently they've been making a lot of money off of it but the money doesn't concern it me. It's that they have kids of their own and are willing to gamble doing this and risk losing them or going to jail.

What has really upset my dh is that this relative has absurd his trust and generosity over the last few years. He's been a shoulder to cry on when they've been coming out with what we now know we're elaborate tales of fiction. He's lent them money as they cried poverty but what's worse is these people have involved their parents and other close relatives and have spent the last couple of years lying to them manipulating them and basically spinning them tales of woe. Me and dh see his relative quite often and I really don't know how to me around them anymore. I know that their parents would be devastated if they knew this was happening but is it our place to tell them? I don't think it is but my dh is worried and angry seeing his family being taken for mugs and having their generosity abused. I know I'll probably be told to mind my own business but imagine you were me or my dh and it was your family who were being lied to and manipulated. Would you say something? Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

EatsShitAndLeaves · 08/05/2017 17:15

If there was a chance that family/friends could be implicated in their criminal behaviour, then yes, I'd tell them.

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:16

I'm not sure if they could to be honest. My dh has been told the basics of what's going on but there could be so much more we don't know. I wish I didn't know now to be honest.

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WorraLiberty · 08/05/2017 17:18

I can't see them going to jail for growing cannabis in (presumably) their loft.

Unless it's not a first offence, or unless they're growing epic amounts in a warehouse or something.

Also, what makes you think they were lying about having no money? It takes ages to grow, so in between 'crops' they're bound to be skint.

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:20

I don't know. I don't really care about how much money the have. I'm more concerned like I said that they've lied to and manipulated family members.

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Crazyvaperlady · 08/05/2017 17:21

worra I know someone who got 13 months in prison for 6 plants. They served 7 months and the rest was served on tag, so it does happen.

SenoritaViva · 08/05/2017 17:22

Hmm tricky. If you see them a lot doesn't this mean you haven't seen it at their house? Is it possible they've hidden it well which means the kids aren't exposed to it?

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:24

Sorry I should have said neither of them live in that house anymore. They bought another one some time ago and then rented the other house for six months but it's been sat empty since.

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WorraLiberty · 08/05/2017 17:29

Google 'grew cannabis in loft' and click on 'news'.

The only ones getting actual prison sentences are those with previous.

You haven't explained how they've lied and manipulated family members though?

Mulberry72 · 08/05/2017 17:31

A couple in my extended family were doing the same until the neighbours informed the Police, they also have young children. The man was sent to prison for a couple of years, and I've no idea how they did it but they managed to convince the court that they hadn't made any money out of it so didn't have to pay anything under the POC Act. Strange that, because he came out and they bought property abroad, drive round in extremely expensive cars and generally live a millionaire lifestyle while earning modest wages, they make me sick. I wouldn't say anything, let the Police deal with them.

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:32

It's hard to go into too much detail without risking being recognised. Let's just say they've both played their parts well. Now that I know what I do I can of the top of my head think of five things that they have said has happened it was going to happen and it's quite clear now that this was lies.

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WorraLiberty · 08/05/2017 17:34

I don't really know what you mean.

But anyway, it's quite possible that they were skint when they said so because it takes anything from about 3-5 months to grow.

And realistically they're not going to be making fortunes, when you consider all the equipment and electricity etc.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 08/05/2017 17:36

I think I would back off from them. I would not like to be involved even in the most innocent sense. If police are watching the house they could see you and your DH (also possibly DCs) arriving and leaving.

AlternativeTentacle · 08/05/2017 17:37

What are you panicking about exactly?

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:37

I'm sure someone will come along and say I'm jealous of the money they make but I assure you I'm not. I know this sounds really childish but I actually feel as though I have the moral high ground here. Like I said without going into too much detail I can say that they're both very dramatic and play their parts and have made people believe things that aren't true. They've made people believe that they were struggling in various aspects of their lives and have put what must have been a lot of effort into making people see them for something other than what they truly are.

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WorraLiberty · 08/05/2017 17:38

How do you know they weren't struggling in various aspects of their lives though, that's what I don't get?

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:39

Ok maybe panicking was the wrong word to use. I'm worried and angry. Worried as dh is worried what one of their parents will do if they found out and feels bad that they are being lied to. I on the other hand am angry that they're lied to me dh and the rest of the family and that they are purely greedy and selfish to do this. Even more so when there are children involved.

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Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:42

It's hard to explain but the mere fact they are doing what they are doing has made me and dh realise (and other family members) that the things they have told us have been carefully concocted and thought out to make us buy in to what they were saying.

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Jazzywazzydodah · 08/05/2017 17:43

My ex got 18 months for growing cannabis in the cellar, he got 18 months and it was first offence.

I was living with him at the time and knew he was doing it but was very young and stupid. The police kicked the door in when they watched us both leave and my dog escaped and never came back. He told them the same as me that I had no idea it was there and I wasn't charged.

Fast forward 15 years- we got told one of our tenants was growing cannabis and dh knocked on the door a 10pm and they wouldn't open it. He phoned the police and they found a grow. He got 18 months she got let off.

There is a very high risk they will go jail if found.

I would 100% tell my family if they were being conned. No way would I be complicit in watching them be lied to

rollonthesummer · 08/05/2017 17:46

I don't really get what you mean when you say they've manipulated you all?

I'd stay out of it, tbh. Do you even know the person telling you all this was telling the truth?

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:46

They're not being conned as in financially. I know they have elent then money in the past as have we but as far as I know they gave it back. My gripe is simple the web of lies they've been telling family. I'm a very honest straight down the line kind of person and hate being told things I'd rather not know and then having to keep secrets. I feel in a really awkward position now and my dh even more so.

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TheHiphopopotamus · 08/05/2017 17:49

Our neighbour had a cannabis factory in his shed. Not sure what the outcome was but he didn't go to jail.

If I were you I would just distance myself from them. Don't lie if anyone asks you, but I wouldn't go running to tell the tale because no one will thank you for it. They'll get found out eventually (probably).

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:50

They've spun us a web of lies to try and make us believe that their situation ie family, money, work, housing etc is something that it isn't and have told us things that we are pretty certain now weren't true. They've had our help time and sympathy and have had the whole family bending over backwards giving help they didn't reallt need as it was, in my opinion all part of a bigger plan to throw us off the scent so that we wouldn't realaie what was going on. The person who has told my dh he and I would trust work or lives and he has no reason to lie. They aren't usually a gossip and just get on with their own lives but this must have got them and so they felt the need to tell my dh.

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Jazzywazzydodah · 08/05/2017 17:51

Yes I HATE it when people tell you something which effects other people. I dont do that any more.

I'm too old to keep secrets from people I love . Tell them

Charlottelouisa · 08/05/2017 17:54

Stay completely out of it. It's none of yours or anyone else's business how they earn their money. You sound a bit jealous to be honest

Original poster

Learntolive · 08/05/2017 17:54

I doubt they'll get found out their type never do. Looking back now I've realised they've always been money hungry people and clearly will stop and nothing to get what they want. They are both impulsive and like to get their own way even when their kids came along they didn't change. It does make sense is how they can afford what they can whilst both on fairly low incomes. There's no way your typical person would be able to sustain it for the amount of time they have. I suppose I just can't believe anyone would risk doing it when they've got kids. I mean yes, they may never get caught and if they do they may avoid prison but there's always a risk it could happen.

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