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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a good friend wouldn't do this to my husband?

71 replies

LivingOnTheLedge · 08/05/2017 12:04

Sorry very outing thread so the obligatory name change.

I have a new friend of about a year through school. We've gotten on very well (felt like I'd known her for years)but there's been a few little red flags over the months-which when I had gotten to know her family and husband well I had a couple of concerns about her versions of stuff she's told me.

I have trust issues and dh has had form in the past for an affair. We had counselling and it's taken a long time for us to rebuild our trust and our family lives back. It will never be what it was but we are together.

My dh and I don't have many friends who are couples and we've been away on couples weekends together. They both like to get very drunk- with her very social dh egging on dh to drink (which he seldom does) anyway the last time we went away I stayed sober as I was driving & my friend confided to me that she's had many friends' husbands make passes at her in the past which makes her wary of becoming friends with other couples (hmmmkay) she swore me to secrecy and told me that if her dh found out he'd be apoplectic with rage.

The following day when we got back she got hammered again when we went to their home and grabbed my dh by the crotch and made joking references to his penis. When I told her in the kitchen that I didn't find what she did funny she responded with "it's my house I can do what I like!"

When challenged I asked her to come to my home the following week and I'd do the same to her husband-she told me I'd have to do it over her cold dead body

She's completely ghosted me now. Is still in contact with all out mutual friends.

I thought we were really good friends I'm very hurt-no least because she owes me quite a bit of money too.

AIBU to think frankly she was a shit friend and I'm well rid? I'm just trying to convince myself. I'm really cross that my dh didn't say anything too.

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 08/05/2017 14:12

'Friend' is awful. Definitely well rid of her. Be a bit forgiving of your DH. Laughing is often what people do when they aren't sure what to do. It's not easy for a man to tell a woman to stop assaulting him. We have this view of men as the predator and woman as victims but clearly in this case she put him in a horrible situation and he laughed out of embarrassment/uncomfortableness.

Sometimes female victims of rape act 'fine with' their abuser. It's not because it's fine, it's because they want to minimise it so it's less painful/they are too shocked and so go into 'polite mode', however strange that might seem at the time.

NancyWake · 08/05/2017 14:36

All these friends husbands have made passes at her because she's made it clear she's up for it.

Unless it is she who made passes at them, by grabbing their crotch...

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 08/05/2017 14:43

Ok your DH may have been taken by surprise but I'd be suspicious of his lack of giving a shit in private tbh. Sounds like he may have enjoyed the attention from her. Presumably if he is still socialising with her DH, he'll and up around her too as no doubt he'll go to their house, you won't be there, I wouldn't trust them. I highly doubt everyone else's husbands have made passes at her, sounds like the other way around and that's why she can't keep a friend.

Original poster

LivingOnTheLedge · 08/05/2017 14:50

MyPatron
I agree!

I know she's not going to the curry night and dh also knows I don't want to see her again. He gets why but he thinks I'm over reacting and it was stupid drunk banter.

I do wonder how acceptable he'd find it if I did that to his brother or oldest friend.

OP posts:

YNK · 08/05/2017 16:07

She is trouble.
Warn your DH that if he doesn't make it clear he has no interest then this woman will add him to the list of men she claims have come on to her.
She obviously thinks this is the case if the don't raise objections because she's deluded.
Tell him to ask these other guys what they think of her and I'm sure they will have similar stories.
Does he want his name bandied about in the same way?

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/05/2017 16:13

Op, my friend did something similar a couple of weeks ago. Told me she would like to slide up and down my boyfriends cock. How vile!!

Ditch her but get your money back, she's no friend!

Original poster

LivingOnTheLedge · 08/05/2017 16:56

Myheart- how gross indeed.

And no I don't think they're swingers as she mentioned more than once to me in the past that he's massively jealous . Well actually she said they both were.

I already told DH today about what she had confided in me. I've told him I will not be happy if he sees them both socially either.

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 08/05/2017 18:09

Op, my friend did something similar a couple of weeks ago. Told me she would like to slide up and down my boyfriends cock. How vile!!

Jesus! My blood is boiling on your behalf! No bloody respect

Ravenblack · 08/05/2017 18:12

She sounds horrid OP. Avoid like the plague!

Chloe84 · 08/05/2017 18:12

Hashtag blessed

Oh lordy she's one of those

Ravenblack · 08/05/2017 18:16

What a conceited cow too, saying 'women's husbands always try it on with meeeeeee.' Ew, she sounds horrible. Very few things annoy me more than people who fancy themselves and think everyone else does too. They're the same ones who say 'guess how old I am?!' because they think they look younger than their age. When you guess their age and you are spot on, (or think they are a bit older,) and you don't say 5 years younger, they are like Hilarious. I would not want to see her again ever. Bin her OP.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/05/2017 18:23

It's not acceptable at all but her response would have absolutely signalled the end for me!

Surely she is keeping her distance because she is dying of shame and embarrassment- surely her husband would have had a go at her in private

Daydream007 · 08/05/2017 18:26

Get rid of her out of your life. She is vermin.

MyheartbelongstoG · 08/05/2017 18:36

Polly, I started a thread on here about it.

Ditched the bitch since and have just ignored her since. No respect is right!

Madwoman5 · 08/05/2017 18:54

What would have been the reaction if your husband walked over and grabbed at her crotch? Not acceptable behaviour, pissed or not. Go see her when her husband is there and can hear. Simply ask her to return the £ x she owes you then if she kicks off, loudly say, dh has made the decision not to report her sexual assault on the understanding she pays what she owes and does not contact you again. Give her a date when this is required by. Once settled do not have anything more to do with her.

Original poster

LivingOnTheLedge · 08/05/2017 21:45

Totally agree madwoman

Thanks for the feedback. Spoke to dh who has said I'm a bit uptight. Looks like he's in the minority.

OP posts:

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 08/05/2017 22:09

Well then he clearly did enjoy it then didn't he. Not sure it would be uptight if his mate was grabbing you in the fanny. I bet he wouldn't be happy about it then! His minimising is concerning tbh.

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 22:13

You'd be better off without him Living, he has no respect or boundaries, he's not trustworthy. I think you should consider whether you can be happy with that. Ideally, what type of man would you like to be married to? How would your ideal husband react? There's a lot of good men out there, you could find someone who deserves you. Keep that in mind at least... You are worthy of so much better.

Original poster

LivingOnTheLedge · 08/05/2017 22:37

Thank you HildaO xx

My ideal dh would've told her than wasn't on. Then he would've taken me home and reassured me she was an idiot and we should lay off seeing them.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 08/05/2017 23:52

I hope you find that man, that's what you deserve xx

emmyrose2000 · 09/05/2017 09:22

She's not your friend. She's scum.

I'd bet she's lying about all the men who come onto her. More like SHE is coming onto THEM. Piece of trash.

Tell her you want your money back, then cut her out of your life.

Your biggest problem, however, is your husband if he thinks this is all okay.

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