AIBU to want to defend my feeding choices?

[HoleySock]

I'm on baby number three and have never worried about the feeding wars - breast v bottle. First was combi fed expressed breast milk and formula. Second was exclusively breast fed and third is now exclusively bottle fed.
For me fed is best and always will be.

I'm feeling a lot of judgment this time around because I successfully breast fed my second child it was assumed by family, friends and health professionals that of course number three would also be breastfed. In all honesty that was the plan, but with three kids under four it was impossible to sustain without becoming a terrible sleep deprived and impatient parent to my older two. The experienced parent in me said something has to give and we have all been happier since the change.

I've noticed a lot of raised eyebrows from exclusively breastfeeding moms in my circle and I want to jump in and say "hello! I have three dependant kids at home all day every day needing me for everything!" But I'm not remotely confrontational and don't know whether to just ride it out and be happy in the knowledge that I made the right decision for our family and it's no body else's business.

Is it unreasonable to defend my choice? Or am I potentially still incredibly sleep deprived and have my hackles up and maybe seeing judgement where it doesn't exist? I've never felt it before so maybe I am tired, or defensive. The last thing I want to do is upset people but the judgemental looks are upsetting me too

If it's just 'raised eyebrows' I would let it go; life's too short. Are they actually saying something?

Nope, no one has actually said anything, it's more looks amongst themselves.
I fully accept I may be reading too much into this and may be feeling defensive, I just don't know whether it would be terribly impolite or bad form to just jump in and defend my decision before anyone opens their mouths?!

Are they all first time mums so don't get how hard it is to juggle more than 1?

The thing is, maybe they are being judgy, maybe they're not but if you say something then it becomes a confrontation when it could be just a figment of your sleep deprived haze.

If you can just be happy in the knowledge that I made the right decision for our family and it's no body else's business.

Ignore the eyebrows and just focus on your children. If people make comments just smile sweetly and offer for them to take over all your duties and that'll shut them up.

It's definitely a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation but you've made an informed decision, based on your own experience and choices and nobody can say squat to that.

Are they actually raising eyebrows? I have actually never come across anyone who judged me openly for bottle feeding - and I live in a city where breastfeeding overtakes bottle feeding as the norm.

I wrote a long post. Where'd it go?! Trying to remember what I wrote now!
It's a sad thing that we live in a world where mothers feel so attacked about how they feed their babies that they have to defend themselves.
Baby one. Tried and failed to BF for 4 months. I had latch checked and attended sessions with a specialist. I did skin to skin and fed on demand (all the time really. Hours and hours). I used a breast pump and drank fennel tea. I even used domperidone. My boobs don't produce milk. I've met far too many people who don't believe this. But they don't. So my baby was starving.
Baby two. On formula in 48 hours. I couldn't go through all that again.
It's up to you. Defend or ignore or avoid people who like to feel superior and judge you. Shoe may well be on the other foot when their BF and co sleeping angelic baby becomes the teen from hell!

I think you're probably feeling defensive. If you are totally happy with your choice; stop worrying about what other people think.

@newmumwithquestions there's a couple of new mums and a couple of mums with greater age gaps than I have. I agree that raising it makes it an issue and think i may just need to suck it up

I think the worst thing to do in these situations is to explain yourself, it gives the impression that their opinion on your life is important and 'right'. Don't explain yourself, develop a thick skin and don't allow others unspoken judgement make you feel inadequate and defensive.
You're doing what's best for you and your children, that's all that matters.

@glitterglitters thank you

Just ignore, I had similar when my 4th was born in February, after less than 24 hours of feeding and 3 other children under 5 at home I decided very quickly from previous experience the happiest thing for my family was for her to be bottle fed

@putdownyourphone I'm totally open to the idea it may just be me conceiving the attitude. It could just be my own insecurity and defensiveness of the situation.

@Wolfiefan I saw your first response and done know where it disappeared to but your second was even better, thank you!

I'm pregnant with my second and have a two year old.

This is literally the reason I'm bottle feeding this one. Can't be cluster feeding for hours with a toddler in tow. Just not fair.

Haha I remember when DD was a newborn, about 2 weeks old. I took her to a weighing clinic and there were a couple of other mothers there with babies the same age. I was mixed bottle and breastfeeding. I felt too uncomfortable to bf in public. Anyway, I pulled out a bottle, emptied a carton of ready made formula into it. My back was to the others so I could use the table. I turned back around and started feeding my baby.
One mum piped up "is that formula?! " yes I said, cue a few seconds of shocked silence from all the mothers in the room.
One began asking me if I found it a little easier, I told her it was easier at night and she said she was considering doing night feeds with formula because she's getting no sleep.
The other mums were just looking at us like

Ah @Wolfiefan I cross posted because I didn't realise there was an AIBU thread so you first responded to my other post x

Formula is fab. I exclusively formula fed my first. She's been a happy, comtented baby since day one and has slept fabulously. Now obviously I dunno whether that's down to formula or if it was just her temperament, but I have no qualms at all about doing the same with this one

@MyNameIsntTaken I literally felt like I was caught smoking behind the bike sheds when I fed LO today. Glad you helped that mum in need!

@JessieLightyear the only way we managed it with our second was because hubs was off work a lot then and we had a ton of support. It's hard x

I found bottle feeding more time consuming that breast feeding. My 9 month old still breast feeds through the night and I just get on with it the same as I would with a bottle.

I had 3 under 5 when she was born, plus dc in primary and secondary. Each to their own.

@CheeseandGherkins I'm glad it worked for you. It didn't for us

Yes Holey people act as if you're feeding your baby a diet of exclusively cola and crisps when you formula feed sometimes. Ridiculous. But the other side is that if you breastfeed, you'll only have other people judging that- either you're attention seeking or you think you're better than others.
No matter what you do, half the people will judge you. Everybody else always knows how to parent your children better than you do

Jessie my first was like that, and she was exclusively breastfed! I know bottle fed babies who were like my second, also breastfed, nightmare!

Holey I suspect you are being a bit defensive, but would also advise to ignore. As well you know, there are many many factors that go into making healthy, happy children and in the baby phases, I've long thought a happy mother is the most important.

Can you look at your older children and their peers and tell who was BF and would had formula? Doubt it, I can't. And both of mine were on draught until they were one.

On draught I like that

You could be imagining the raised eyebrows. What are you actually seeing? People looking as if they are questioning you with their facial expressions? Or are you just worried they are? Honestly I bet they have hardly even registered what you are doing. Most people are polite, understanding and not judgmental about feeding - even if they themselves are doing something different to you. No need for you to announce your reasons - any more than you would announce your reason for doing anything! If you did pipe up 'by the way for those of you wondering I am using formula because blah blah blah' you'd sound a tad unhinged :)