AIBU to want to defend my feeding choices?

[HoleySock]

I'm on baby number three and have never worried about the feeding wars - breast v bottle. First was combi fed expressed breast milk and formula. Second was exclusively breast fed and third is now exclusively bottle fed.
For me fed is best and always will be.

I'm feeling a lot of judgment this time around because I successfully breast fed my second child it was assumed by family, friends and health professionals that of course number three would also be breastfed. In all honesty that was the plan, but with three kids under four it was impossible to sustain without becoming a terrible sleep deprived and impatient parent to my older two. The experienced parent in me said something has to give and we have all been happier since the change.

I've noticed a lot of raised eyebrows from exclusively breastfeeding moms in my circle and I want to jump in and say "hello! I have three dependant kids at home all day every day needing me for everything!" But I'm not remotely confrontational and don't know whether to just ride it out and be happy in the knowledge that I made the right decision for our family and it's no body else's business.

Is it unreasonable to defend my choice? Or am I potentially still incredibly sleep deprived and have my hackles up and maybe seeing judgement where it doesn't exist? I've never felt it before so maybe I am tired, or defensive. The last thing I want to do is upset people but the judgemental looks are upsetting me too

@tiktok lmao that's what I'm afraid of! I'm shattered so yes it could well be defensiveness

I wouldn't unless someone actually said something but then again why should you have to explain and defend yourself!

Is it unreasonable to defend my choice

Probably not but I couldn't be arsed personally.

I also think there is a high likelihood that you are seeing disapproval when there isn't any. 99% of people don't care how someone else feeds their baby. ( I think the remaining one percent are mostly Mumsnetters )

You aren't imagining it - I've heard a lot of stories from friends who have felt the same way. I had to bottle feed for a while and I also felt the silent disapproval. It's not nice.

So firstly don't think you are over reacting. It is out there. And yes those people need a bit of a wake up call.

However, you and your kids and your real friends and family are the ones that you need to concentrate on. But sometimes it's very empowering to challenge! But it's so tricky as it can backfire. Try and see if you can find one mum and have a word - tell her how hard it is for you - it might tip the balance.

I bottle fed DS1 after attempts to establish breastfeeding failed, and I didn't say anything about our reasons unless people actually said something about it. I think in this sort of scenario, jumping in with reasons why you're doing bottle feeding can make it seem to others as if you're not confident in your decision, or that you're unhappy about it, and that they're entitled to give unwanted opinions on the matter.

Plus it's difficult to tell how people really feel sometimes - most people really don't care how a baby is fed, so there's a chance that you're misinterpreting glances etc through defensiveness.

But then there is a small section of people who feel that their way is the only right way, or who feel the need to validate their choices by being negative about people making other choices. And if some of them are this sort of person they probably wouldn't change their opinion of your bottle feeding whatever you said.

You're doing what's right for you. You don't owe anybody an explanation. Don't give one.

More hostile "looking"! It really is an epidemic.

You're vastly overrating how much anyone cares what you do or how you feed your kid. They don't.If you started telling everyone why you made your own choices when no-one has asked or shown any interest, you'd look like a lunatic.

I think if we are self conscious about something, or ambivalent, or awkward, or wondering what people think, then 'feeling silent disapproval' from people who might not even have flippin noticed is more likely. How do ppl convey silent disapproval, anyway? If they look, they might not be looking at the bottle - they might be looking at whether your baby has a hat on ( and disapproving of that, for all we know), or looking at what type of bottle or teat you're using, or admiring your cute baby, or anything. Unless they are tutting audibly, or frowning, or sighing and shaking their heads, how do you know they are disapproving, and then how do you know they're disapproving of the bottle?? Genuinely curious as to how you know?

@JessieLightYear, I confess I didn't come up with that but I've always enjoyed it.

OP, if @tiktok says it, it's true. When I was a weeping first time Mum mess this time five years, and many name changes, ago, she got me through. DD1 was 5 days old and I didn't know which end was up. I can remember reading tiktok's words of comfort on my thread out to DH as I bawled....thanks again tiktok. You're MN gold.

I breastfed ds exclusively, dd1 tried for 7 agonising weeks, cracked nibbleshes - she cried, I cried before giving up and we both thrived! DD2 refused to feed - nightmare. She screamed for 24 hours - I could feel the resentment of the ward and the staff. Eventually one midwife asked me "if you were at home, what would you do"? I said "bottle". She was given the horrible teat - opened her mouth immediately and peace reigned. I continued to try to bf her but she would never open her mouth properly. Give her a bottle and hey presto! I had 3 under 4 in fact 2 under 15 months so bottle was easier. Don't be pressured OP you do what works for you and your family. So much judgement out there! Interestingly, my totally bf son had severe eczema and developed epilepsy, dd1 asthma but dd2 has been ok. Mind you all 3 are also dyslexic. Always some challenge for us.

Thanks 1bighappy.....I'm not that infallible, though :)

user, there may well have been some 'thoughts' from the ward if your baby screamed for 24 hours, which is horrible for you - but when you say you 'felt' it, this is you being empathetic and thinking 'bloody hell, if someone else's baby was keeping me awake with his screaming, I'd be desperate!' They would be a bit unfair to 'resent' you for it, though :(

I do like your typo 'nibbleshes' BTW :)

FWIW I breast fed my baby and got sly digs and comments all the time off people. I didn't defend my choice because it felt like people thought I was just being smug if I even dared talk about why I chose it over FF. I was made to feel too scared to talk about and I would just sit abc listen to peoples underhanded comments whilst feel like utter shit inside. It was horrible. It got to the point that if people enquirer about how I fed my baby (why people cared I'm not sure) I was embarrassed to say that I breast fed.

It's ridiculous.

We are judged whatever we do by the people who choose to do the opposite.

Try and let it wash over you OP, you're doing what's best for you and your family and that's what matters flowers

I'm pregnant with DC2 and I'm hoping this time round I'll be able to follow my own advice and let other people's comments and thoughts go in one ear and out the other grin

Congratulations on your new baby!! You sound like you have a very busy house but I'm sure it's a very happy one too. Just enjoy your baby and don't let anyone make you feel bad about any decisions you make