AIBU to withdraw from family meals with my mother and step-father as he can't handle children's behaviour at the table?

[moonbeamrider]

At a recent meal my step-father lost it with my 4 year old, causing me to leave my seat and put myself between him and her and tell him "not to speak to her like that". I have a long troubled relationship with him and his yelling and waiving his finger in her face struck something deep inside me. I try to follow the "setting the best example" method and don't believe that yelling ever really actually helps a young child learn. He stormed out, slammed door and left house. My mother has visited me and told me that my children have no manners and I don't discipline them correctly. We never have problems anywhere else; yes they do fidget, use their fingers etc, but my in-laws don't seem to think that the children are one step away from Lord of the Flies. Everyone is always tense around my step-father and I think that the children pick up on this and then their behaviour isn't perfect, but then, they're kids, aren't they! My DS is 6.

YANBU-Commenting on how other people eat their food is awful, whether they are adults or children. Many people have issues with eating or food, or coordination, and shining a spotlight on this is vile. I

You as a parent obviously have the responsibility for teaching them table manners and other social skills, but there are many reasons why they might struggle not to fidget or be inclined to use their fingers. It isn't the business of third parties to judge and interfere, whether or not they are family members. And shouting in a child's face is utterly unacceptable.

At the end of the day, shouting in someone's face is a million times worse than eating a potato with your fingers!

Long drawn out meals or meals when they have something exciting to look forward to afterwards bring out the worst in all kids!!
Good on you for standing up to his horrid behaviour.

YANBU - I'd just tell your mum that obviously Step-father doesnt like eating with your DCs so that's not going to happen again, it doesn't sound like he's a good person for them to have in their lives.

YANBU, OP.

Had a similar situation with my late MIL when my DS was about 2. Awful. She had hysterics that went on for hours and really frightened both my DC.

No useful advice I'm afraid, but handholding here. Well done for standing up to the bully.

Did your SD bully you when you were younger? Good for you for defending your DD. I don't have an issue with children being children, sadly some adults think that DC should be seen and not heard. How very Victorian. I love a big family meal with fidgeting children and fidgeting adults enjoying the food.