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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to demand compensation from this man?

39 replies

Natsku · 07/05/2017 20:10

Bit of a long story here but basically a strange man grabbed DD nearly two years ago when she was 4 years old and tried to drag her off somewhere, and then when I grabbed her and walked off he followed us and got aggressive shouting and demanding to know where we live and if I have a husband. DD was absolutely terrified and hysterical. He was clearly very drunk. Long story short, he eventually left us alone, I called OH who called the police who knew who it was as he was well known for getting drunk and disorderly.

I gave a statement to the police and then didn't hear anything from them for over half a year so thought the whole matter was dropped. In the meantime DD started having nightmares regularly, she was scared to go outside for a while after the incident, and often spoke about 'the scary man'. I was advised to take her to a child psychologist but my ex (her dad) decided to be a cunt and called the psychologist up and told her that he refused consent for DD to be treated so couldn't take her. At the same time her behaviour got really bad but that was from a multitude of reasons (mainly her dad) so can't say how much, if at all, the incident contributed to her issues but when the police called me again asking about DD I told them about the issues and they asked permission to discuss it with her doctor. They also told me that it was up to the prosecutor whether or not the case would go ahead. Last autumn I was able to get DD to the psychologist and later on the psychiatrist and she's great now but is still officially under treatment with the psychologist and the psychiatrist thinks they need to see her again as well - the psychologist is free but I have to pay for the psychiatrist plus travel costs as its an hour and a half away.

Heard nothing again so thought the prosecutor had dropped it until I got a phonecall out of the blue this morning from the police asking if I have any demands to make against the man, that is to say, do I demand some financial compensation from him. I said no mostly because I was taken by surprise as the whole incident was so long ago and didn't know what to say really. He called back again later to ask again if I was sure I didn't want to demand anything which got me thinking maybe I should demand something?

To the WIBU - on the one hand compensation would help offset the costs for the psychiatrist, and DD really was quite traumatised by the whole thing, but on the other hand there were many more sources for her issues at play so can't all be blamed on that incident, and then the main reason why I'm thinking it would be unreasonable is the fact that the man is mentally challenged, with an IQ of around 70, and an alcoholic, so not only unlikely to have any money but also its quite possible he didn't know he was doing something wrong (maybe he thought he was helping DD?)

So what does the mumsnet collective think - would it be unreasonable to ask for compensation from this man or not?

OP posts:
Staypuff · 07/05/2017 21:22

Yanbu as it's to help your dd. If he has no money you won't receive anything.

Ceto · 07/05/2017 21:27

I suspect the police were thinking about whether to ask the court to order him to pay compensation as part of his sentence. I'd say it's entirely justifiable.

Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 21:28

That's the thing, I think if I demand money and he doesn't have any they'll take it out of his benefits which he most probably is on to survive. But then I think about how much DD suffered.

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 07/05/2017 21:31

How much does your child's psych think the incident contributed to her issues?

MatildaTheCat · 07/05/2017 21:36

If you have suffered a financial loss and dd has suffered psychologically it's worth saying yes so long as there is no financial risk to you.

The police may know that he does have money or might possibly be referring to the state funded victim compensation scheme. Either way,mif there is any compensation which you could tuck away for her for the future it might make things slightly easier. With luck she will have forgotten about the incident as she gets older.

Ask the police for more details.

user1493022461 · 07/05/2017 21:36

How will taking money from a very poor, mentally disabled, alcoholic help your child?
It was you that didn't bring her to a psychologist when you were advised to, no-one else.

Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 21:36

She thinks that the nightmares and her fears (which have largely gone now) were most likely caused by the incident but the behavioural issues and anger problems were more influenced by the stuff with her dad. She has on-going sleep issues though and part of that is fear of nightmares which may or may not be connected to the incident (but another part was lack of routine) but she has to take melatonin to sleep now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 21:39

User I wasn't able to take her to the psychologist when advised to because her dad called the psychologist and refused consent - the psychologist told me she couldn't work with DD. I was eventually able to bypass his lack of consent thanks to social workers but it was delayed a long time before I could get that help. It certainly wasn't lack of effort on my part that delayed it, it was entirely my ex being a cunt with his legal rights.

OP posts:
user1493022461 · 07/05/2017 21:41

They don't need both parents consent, only one. You could have consented for her.

PeaFaceMcgee · 07/05/2017 21:42

I would take their advice on an appropriate level of compensation to pursue. You don't need to feel guilty about it x

Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 21:46

They do User if one parent denies consent then that's it, this is an issue I've been going through a lot as more recently he denied consent for her psychiatrist treatment and despite the psychiatrist being optimistic that she could get around that she found out that she can't. I'm not in the UK, its different here, if both parents have legal custody then they have to agree on any treatment beyond emergency treatment otherwise it can't be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 21:49

Maybe I could just ask for compensation for the medical costs, that would be appropriate but not extortionate. Still have the sinking feeling that it would be too much though, I almost don't want charges to be pressed against the man at all as I'm really not sure he knew what he was doing but the police said its not up to me as the crime was serious enough that the prosecutor decides (attempted deprivation of liberty or something like that)

OP posts:
buckeejit · 07/05/2017 21:53

Op that's rubbish but you should ask for compensation/redress/whatever they want to call it. His circumstances shouldn't be taken into account by you but will be by the courts

NellieFiveBellies · 07/05/2017 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WyfOfBathe · 07/05/2017 22:02

Maybe I could just ask for compensation for the medical costs, that would be appropriate but not extortionate

I think that's what I would do in your situation. I generally feel that financial compensation should normally be for financial loss.

Even if he didn't know what he was doing, he did it and it caused harm to your DD. While classroom disruption or some antisocial behaviour may be excused due to certain SEN, I think that anything which causes real harm to others should be treated seriously in terms of the law.

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2017 22:02

Yes, ask for money.

Use the money to help your dd.

Your ex sounds like a prize arsehole, I hope you can get her totally away from his influence.

user1493022461 "How will taking money from a very poor, mentally disabled, alcoholic help your child?" It will help pay for the transport which is taking her to see a pyschologist.

It's a shame this man is mentally ill and was drunk and behaved in an utterly terrifying way. But it is not OP's fault and it s not her daughter's fault. Being drunk or an alcoholic or mentally ill, or poor, does not excuse the horrible, criminal things people do.

Maybe paying for what he did could make him reevaluate his situation and seek help, maybe the courts could insist on some sort of help for him.

What if he had succeeded in taking the child, what could have happened then?? It doesn't bear thinking about!

"It was you that didn't bring her to a psychologist when you were advised to, no-one else." What an utter shit and ill-informed comment! The OP's deadbeat ex put the breaks on the visit to get the child help. The real question is why shit deadbeat dad's get any say at all in their children's care!

Natsku "I almost don't want charges to be pressed against the man at all as I'm really not sure he knew what he was doing but the police said its not up to me as the crime was serious enough that the prosecutor decides (attempted deprivation of liberty or something like that)" Whether he knew what he was doing or not is by the by. If a sky high druggie stabs someone with a knife we don't say, "But he didn't know what he was doing."

As i say, maybe paying for what he did will make him reavaultae or make the courts make an order for treatment.

If you feel worried about him or people like him write to your MP to ask what is being done for the mentally ill or the alcohol addicted where you live.

But what he did is despicable and has contributed to your dd's mental health. you need to stick up for her. You and she are innocent victims in this.

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/05/2017 22:07

OP I would request compensation and, if you think it's appropriate and helpful to your DD, an apology.

Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 22:09

Maybe paying for what he did could make him reevaluate his situation and seek help, maybe the courts could insist on some sort of help for him

If I could demand that he get put in some kind of sheltered housing/some kind of social care supervision then I would much rather that than any money or punishment for him. I did say I'd be happy to go to mediation instead of court so possibly there's a chance of that so a chance of demanding something other than money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natsku · 07/05/2017 22:11

I would request compensation and, if you think it's appropriate and helpful to your DD, an apology

An apology definitely wouldn't be helpful to DD, she's better off forgetting about the whole thing (she only mentions him occasionally now. Though I realise this is likely to be her first memory when she grows up and that's very sad)

OP posts:
SheRasBra · 07/05/2017 22:13

OP, how horrible for both your daughter and you. Worth saying you would like compensation as many have said - if he has no money, you will get nothing.

If it's any comfort at all my mum was badly assaulted by a mentally ill man when I was 4 and we were out shopping together. I had no recollection of the incident until my parents told me as an adult, so take heart, the fears and distressing memory may well fade completely with time.

Your ex on the other hand........

Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2017 22:17

It's also important to remember that lots of people suffer with mental illness and do not assault or hurt anyone so we cannot always assume that people don't know what they are doing etc.

There have been cases in the UK where people were known (even by their parents) to be a danger but not properly supervised (despite parents asking for it). We cannot assume because people have a mental illness that the law should deal any more 'leniently' with them, simply that the treatment may well be different.

MycatsaPirate · 07/05/2017 22:21

You may be able to make a claim through the Criminal Injuries compensation system for your DD. This could cover the costs of her medical care and also compensate her for the trauma she suffered.

SlothMama · 07/05/2017 22:31

YANBU, why would you care if they take it out of his benefits? You've paid out of pocket to treat the damage that the psycho has caused!

OlennasWimple · 07/05/2017 22:32

Sometimes going through the court system is a good thing for people, including going to prison. There is support and treatment that they may be able to access that they would not have done before. Please don't think that this court case is necessarily a terrible thing for this man.

In terms of compensation, I agree that asking for the medical costs is appropriate.

An apology might not be useful to DD now, but something to keep for her when she is older might well (or you might never show her, who knows how things will pan out over time)

Inertia · 07/05/2017 22:34

Would compensation not be paid through the criminal injuries compensation board, rather than directly from the man himself? I thought that this sort of scenario was why the scheme existed.

I would make a claim on your daughter's behalf, to pay for the medical treatment she needs.