WIBU to demand compensation from this man?

[Natsku]

Bit of a long story here but basically a strange man grabbed DD nearly two years ago when she was 4 years old and tried to drag her off somewhere, and then when I grabbed her and walked off he followed us and got aggressive shouting and demanding to know where we live and if I have a husband. DD was absolutely terrified and hysterical. He was clearly very drunk. Long story short, he eventually left us alone, I called OH who called the police who knew who it was as he was well known for getting drunk and disorderly.

I gave a statement to the police and then didn't hear anything from them for over half a year so thought the whole matter was dropped. In the meantime DD started having nightmares regularly, she was scared to go outside for a while after the incident, and often spoke about 'the scary man'. I was advised to take her to a child psychologist but my ex (her dad) decided to be a cunt and called the psychologist up and told her that he refused consent for DD to be treated so couldn't take her. At the same time her behaviour got really bad but that was from a multitude of reasons (mainly her dad) so can't say how much, if at all, the incident contributed to her issues but when the police called me again asking about DD I told them about the issues and they asked permission to discuss it with her doctor. They also told me that it was up to the prosecutor whether or not the case would go ahead. Last autumn I was able to get DD to the psychologist and later on the psychiatrist and she's great now but is still officially under treatment with the psychologist and the psychiatrist thinks they need to see her again as well - the psychologist is free but I have to pay for the psychiatrist plus travel costs as its an hour and a half away.

Heard nothing again so thought the prosecutor had dropped it until I got a phonecall out of the blue this morning from the police asking if I have any demands to make against the man, that is to say, do I demand some financial compensation from him. I said no mostly because I was taken by surprise as the whole incident was so long ago and didn't know what to say really. He called back again later to ask again if I was sure I didn't want to demand anything which got me thinking maybe I should demand something?

To the WIBU - on the one hand compensation would help offset the costs for the psychiatrist, and DD really was quite traumatised by the whole thing, but on the other hand there were many more sources for her issues at play so can't all be blamed on that incident, and then the main reason why I'm thinking it would be unreasonable is the fact that the man is mentally challenged, with an IQ of around 70, and an alcoholic, so not only unlikely to have any money but also its quite possible he didn't know he was doing something wrong (maybe he thought he was helping DD?)

So what does the mumsnet collective think - would it be unreasonable to ask for compensation from this man or not?

OP is not in the UK

I'd definitely be requesting compensation. His circumstances are irrelevant. If he has to go without something then that's his look out. For all you know, he may have money stashed away or family who will pay the compensation.

I think you're being way too lenient on him TBH. If this was my child, I'd have wanted the book thrown at him. The fact that he's mentally challenged, an alcoholic or whatever is not your concern.

Your first priority is your daughter's well being, not this man. If you think you will need money to pay for future psychiatric treatment or therapy then you would be remiss not to ask for it. This isn't for your benefit, this is for your daughter's.

His lawyer will inform the court if he is mentally incompetent or of limited resources and will ensure that is taken into account when the judge decides on his punishment and financial compensation to your daughter.

We can't assume he didn't know what he was doing, but we can't assume he did. He sounds mentally ill to me. I would be very sceptical about his understanding of his actions during an incident this long ago. I wouldn't be looking for any money from him, A because he probably has no money and B because I doubt he was fully in control of himself. This isn't an excuse (if the courts punish him, fair enough), but it is just what I would do.

I wonder if an award of financial compensarion would get it through to your ex that people don't agree with his minimising of his/ your DD's distress. Money does "talk"... However, do be careful about making a big deal of that beforehand, because if no money is awarded, he may end up feeling even more justified!

If your ex is a contributing factor to your daughter's issues, why can't he be held accountable too? Does he have anything to do with your daughter now?

I've slept on it and come to the conclusion that I just can't justify it to myself to ask for compensation as I think that in the end, its my ex that is the cause for most of DD's issues, not this man, and I wouldn't want the man's family to have to pay or something like that. I think the court system is the best way to deal with him and the Judge will hopefully have the best solution to prevent him doing something like this again.

I'm not in the UK but there is a victim fund but I'm not sure DD would qualify for it as there's too many compounding factors in her need for treatment so its not clear cut what costs the man caused. I wish I could make my ex accountable for it but that's never going to happen, and he's disappeared anyway, have had no contact for nearly a month. I've filed for sole custody so he can't prevent any treatment for DD again (he's currently preventing the continuation with the psychiatrist)

Trifle those are really my main reasons against it too, I'm pretty sure he has no money and I doubt that someone so mentally handicapped could understand what he was doing. We'll manage to afford any further treatment for DD so its not like lack of compensation would prevent that, would have helped but not crucial.

Is her father preventing treatment because he's worried about what she may say about his behaviour? If so, surely a court could bypass the need for his consent?

He's preventing treatment partly because its a way of controlling me and partly because he's convinced that her issues are all my fault, that I'm abusing her, and that all the professionals involved are in a conspiracy with me to prevent him from seeing her (he has delusional disorder). I had hoped the court would bypass his need for consent in a temporary order when I applied for sole custody but the court decided it wasn't an urgent enough issue to do that.

The other way to bypass his need for consent would be to let social services take DD 'into care' - she would stay with me but social services would have the legal authority over her so that they can order the treatment but I'm reluctant to that and so are they really as that's quite a drastic measure to take so I'm just waiting for court to deal with my application.

So she'd be a sort of "ward of court"? Might be useful in practice but sends a weird message to her, if she were to know about it.

Yeah something like that. But as she's doing much better at the moment I think we can wait for court instead of going down that road (I'd also be concerned about how it might be construed if I ever have issues with social workers in the future)

I wouldn't, personally, but I can see why you're considering it.

You sound like a really nice person, FWIW.

Thanks :)