AIBU to still be totally upset at my sister

[cottoncandee]

So in mid April I had miscarriage (my 3rd MC), it started just one day before I was traveling to London and I decided to still fly anyway. The only people who knew about the pregnancy and the miscarriage were our family and couple of close friends. Having experienced miscarriage before, I only told people in early pregnancy that I wanted to be there in case if there's miscarriage. My sister was being nice and supportive before but this time she did something unbelievable.
On the 3rd day when I was still bleeding a lot and in pain (both physically and emotionally), my sister suddenly texted me bunch of advices (one of them is for me to wait at least until I'm a month late before taking HPT), I was upset because I don't think it was time for advice and it was not what I wanted to do. Anyway my doctor already prescribed me with progesterone pessaries (yeay fun) and baby aspirin to be taken once I get positive (the aspirin can also be taken during TTC if I want), which I feel is better to be taken in earlier stage of pregnancy, so it does not make sense to me to wait that long to test. I tried to tell her these, that it's not my plan etc but she kept pushing her advice and in the end flipped and said I was not listening to her advice and was being immature and that it HURTED HER FEELING that I was not listening. She even said maybe I should realize that reason why God (she's religious) hasn't given me any kid is because I am still immature. She also told me that I should not be stressed anyway cause these things happen a lot, sounds like she's belittling the whole thing to me.
Anyway, we haven't really talked since. I do not really want to cause I expect her to say sorry to me and to realize how not nice she behaved towards me. But AIBU for still being upset and haven't forgiven her?

Oh my god YANBU how horrible. I'm so, so sorry for your losses and I'm sure you know more about it than her.

Perhaps if you don't want to fall out, you could send her a message to explain you're a little hurt by her words and are obviously quite fragile at the mo, and would appreciate it if you could just put this to one side and move on.

If you don't mind having bad feelings with her, you really don't have to forgive her, yanbu at all x

You don't have to forgive her. I had a similar row. It took a lot of years for the anger to dissipate - it did go in the end, after counselling. You won't get the sorry and the empathy you need.

You don't need that in your life at least not now. Just cut her dead and have no contact. Wait until things are better for you.

Hi Cotton, I've been thinking about you and remember you mentioned traveling when going through such an awful time. Your sister doesn't deserve your attention, do not give it to her. Has she always made everything about her? As the for the 'god'/immature comment, I don't know how you didn't tell her to fuck right off (though I guess she'd just use it against you).

When you're feeling stronger, I might tell her how hurtful her behaviour was at a difficult time, how in future she should keep her advice about things she has no understanding of to herself (and her religious 'opinions' to boot). At the moment, you need to do what's healthiest for you, both physically and mentally, if that means keeping a distance from your insensitive sister, so be it.

Your sister is being really awful. So sorry you're having to cope with all this

her 'help' sounds very misguided, I would be v upset too.

She said a horrific thing to you. I'm so sorry.

Thanks everyone for the support. My DH was (and still is) really upset at my sister about the whole thing. So he is fine with me not talking to her. Actually, even my counselor was shocked when I told her about this.

@EdmundCleverClogs I remember you from the other thread as well. How's it going with you? I did not want to say any aggressive thing even though I really had the urge to tell her she was the immature one because giving advice doesn't mean she is mature, knowing the right time for giving advice and how to behave in certain situation are what make someone mature. But of course I did not say that. I even said sorry for not being able to take her advice at one point but she still went on about me being immature etc.

I did send her articles about how to deal with someone who just went through miscarriage by the end of our conversation but I think she wouldn't read them, especially judging from the fact she hasn't tried to reach out to me until now.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am about your losses, and that I definitely think YANBU. I've had two very early miscarriages recently too, and the 'don't test until you're x amount of time late' advice drives me mad. The thing is if you keep losing pregnancies, even very early, it is a potential issue and if you essentially practice denial then there's no chance of addressing that. In any case I just don't see how it works, in practice - who wouldn't suspect that they might have been pregnant when their period comes two weeks late, extremely heavy and painful? All you've done there is added extra confusion and uncertainty into a already horrible situation.

I think you're right to just not talk to her. It's upsetting for you to have to deal with her politely, and arguing feels better in the short time but only makes things worse ultimately. Hopefully she'll eventually realise how badly she's behaved and apologise, but that's up to her - you have no responsibility to fix this problem in your relationship that she alone has caused.

She hasn't got a clue what she's talking about. She's not medical and does not know what god is thinking. It's really horrid that she chose to have a dig at you when you were extremely vulnerable and needed support/acceptance. Sadly some people can be very judgemental and use religion as an excuse to push their own opinions.

I wouldn't have contact with her either. I'd need a sincere apology from her first to continue a relationisp.

What a bitch. Has she ever experienced a MC ? Delaying testing wont make a difference...is she thinking it would just be passed off as a late period ?

If you are to seek medical help with recurrent MC its best to have as much info to hand

Can you email her a link to this thread?

It's very weird that she made your miscarriage, vulnerability and fertility process about her own hurt! Skewered self centered thinking.

Oh gosh! I'm a Christian and it's totally messed up theology to suggest God is the source of suffering, quite apart from being a hurtful and horrid thing to say. I've been in your shoes and some people are so desperate to rationalise the 'problem' (either the religious or "your baby probably had some disability") that they forget you are a real person. Massive hugs! Perhaps write to her and tell her that what she said was so hurtful that you need a break from communicating with until you are more recovered?

I'm so sorry for your mc

I can't believe your dsis has turned this into how she's feeling. Misguided advice is one thing (some people don't know how to handle grief) but to make it about her is just totally selfish

Hope your gp is able to help more. After my third I was referred to hospital for further tests. I would steer clear of anyone who is not totally and utterly being there for you right now. You just don't need this drama. Take care of yourself X

I think you are reasonable for not wanting to talk to her. People sometimes really need to think before they speak. One friend told me when I miscarried at 8weeks "is it not just like a heavy period?" Well it was but it was emotionally the loss of a child who is already imagined being a mum to.

I wouldn't talk to anyone who dared spew something like that at me ... you don't deserve children?! You're too immature?! It's your fault?!

Sister or not, I'd be done with her.

I can't believe she made you feel so awful that you ended up apologising to her. If she can't even be bothered to read what you sent her and start saying sorry to you (and she should grovel in my opinion), she isn't worth it.

I'm so cross on your behalf, some people can be so insensitive over early miscarriage! Someone told me 'well, it's a good thing, you're too young to have a baby anyway'. I was late 20's, had a job and a fiancé (who I'm still with). Yes we could have had 'more', but we definitely were prepared to become parents. It's like they think they're putting some messed up 'positive spin' on it, instead of saying 'that's awful, you must feel so rotten right now. What can I do for you'. You deserve better.

OMG to this: She even said maybe I should realize that reason why God (she's religious) hasn't given me any kid is because I am still immature

Keep her at a distance

Wow, how controlling is that from your sister? I'm so sorry for your mc, you can do without any extra shit to deal with. The religion thing was particularly bad, it looks as though she was trying to find any low blow to hit you with while you were already down.

Has she met the man of her dreams or is she planning to start a family herself. Sounds like she is panicking that she might have the same problems so is trying to make out that you are doing something wrong. Not a nice way to behave.

Had to name change for this cos it's outing but my brother said to me and my DH when we were trying to conceive that god would give us a child when he decided it was time which made both me and DH absolutely fuming mad with him.

That's his actual opinion and belief though, he believes everything in life is given by god and won't even go after his dream job because he believes god will give it to him when he's ready.

We didn't talk to him for a very long time after that.

I hope you have success with a rainbow baby, please don't let your sisters ignorance break you, just distance yourself for a while.

That's his actual opinion and belief though, he believes everything in life is given by god and won't even go after his dream job because he believes god will give it to him when he's ready.

I think God seems to expect people to help themselves, e.g. by applying for the job!

@MargaretCavendish Yes that's what my parents try to tell him (they are also religious - I am not) but he is absolutely adamant.