AIBU to still be totally upset at my sister

[cottoncandee]

So in mid April I had miscarriage (my 3rd MC), it started just one day before I was traveling to London and I decided to still fly anyway. The only people who knew about the pregnancy and the miscarriage were our family and couple of close friends. Having experienced miscarriage before, I only told people in early pregnancy that I wanted to be there in case if there's miscarriage. My sister was being nice and supportive before but this time she did something unbelievable.
On the 3rd day when I was still bleeding a lot and in pain (both physically and emotionally), my sister suddenly texted me bunch of advices (one of them is for me to wait at least until I'm a month late before taking HPT), I was upset because I don't think it was time for advice and it was not what I wanted to do. Anyway my doctor already prescribed me with progesterone pessaries (yeay fun) and baby aspirin to be taken once I get positive (the aspirin can also be taken during TTC if I want), which I feel is better to be taken in earlier stage of pregnancy, so it does not make sense to me to wait that long to test. I tried to tell her these, that it's not my plan etc but she kept pushing her advice and in the end flipped and said I was not listening to her advice and was being immature and that it HURTED HER FEELING that I was not listening. She even said maybe I should realize that reason why God (she's religious) hasn't given me any kid is because I am still immature. She also told me that I should not be stressed anyway cause these things happen a lot, sounds like she's belittling the whole thing to me.
Anyway, we haven't really talked since. I do not really want to cause I expect her to say sorry to me and to realize how not nice she behaved towards me. But AIBU for still being upset and haven't forgiven her?

deep bruises and big hurts take longer to heal.

it is exceptionally cruel to tell a woman in the middle of a miscarriage that god has not given them children because they are immature. just proves how "mature" she is huh?

oh and her brand of religion sucks.

What an insensitive turd. And what a way to make it all about her. Her advice. Her belief. Her 'hurt' feelings.

I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave her op. What exactly is she bringing to your life?

To say what she said...she's obviously never had any issues or fertility worries, which only makes her lucky. You won't be able to make her see how insensitive she is though sadly. Even some people who have miscarried can be insensitive, with someone who shows as little empathy as your sister appears too I doubt a sincere apology will follow.

I am so sorry for your losses. I am not in your shoes but I know how painful it can be to miscarry wanted and loved babies.

So sorry for your loss Yanbu. What a horrible person she is.

Just so you know I had 3 recurrent losses and took aspirin in my 4th pregnancy and it worked - I have a 5 year old dd as a result

Your sister is an absolutely disgusting, vile excuse for a human being, especially in regards to the god comments. Anyone who said such utter shit to me would be cut out of my life permanently.

I'm a Christian and I'm speechless.

God's name should not be used in spite.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

She was coming from a loving and caring place, Her later words were spoken in anger and I am quite sure that she did not mean to be nasty x

YANBU. It will take a while for you to forgive her hasty words. You never know what is going on in other people's heads and hearts.

The 'don't test so soon' advice makes some sense to me. Not in every situation, though. Way back when, we had 'late periods' and 'hoped we might be pregnant'. We didn't feel pregnant until much later than is the norm these days, and so didn't feel we had had a miscarriage. I think it was much easier on the emotions then. Nowadays conception seems to count as pregnancy, and so many people go through the upset of early miscarriage.

Obviously, if it is happening a lot, then early identification which lets you have medical intervention is important.

I think your sister was trying to help, albeit very clumsily.

YANBU, my mother was like that when I had a MC. Managed to spin it to her hurt. She also believes MC's are 'just heavy periods'. I have never been in so much agony. 7 years on and it still rankles. I would either send this thread to your sister or tell her that when she said ... It made you feel.....and that you are hurting right now and hopefully she will have some understanding that you don't want to involve her in your private affairs until she can behave with some maturity.

Unless you are her sister tessieandoz, what makes you think words come from a loving place? Especially given how self absorbed they were and how she hasn't fallen over herself to apologise.

She sounds like one of these bossy people that thinks their advice is paramount and gets annoyed if it's not followed. If she wasn't she wouldn't have kept pushing it on the op when she was upset by it.

pickle they are not like heavy periods! FGS, i don't want to upset the OP, but I had so much 'product' coming out and was in the most pain of my life, even more than labour. Besides p, 59 years ago, women's weren't ignorant either and they often did know they were pregnant but it was not socially acceptable to discuss it or. Miscarriage, just like it barely is today.

I'm going to pm you violet, as I don't want to derail.

YANBU. You are doing the right thing in staying out of contact until she apologises to you.

After your third miscarriage your doctor can refer you for further investigations; you may want to ask about this if it is something that you have not been told about and you think it is something you would like.

No, YANBU to ignore your sister and to still be angry about how you sister shared advice with you and some of the comments she made. However, you are being unreasonable to expect people not to share advice with you an attempt to avoid you having further miscarriages. That advice should be shared sensitively and you don't have to take it.

I wish you well with your next pregnancy.

How is telling op not to test until she's eight weeks along going to help her avoid miscarriage? And advice not to miscarry just makes you feel like you did something wrong and to miscarry in the first place.

I has plenty of 'you should work less and you should eat this comments' all of which just made me feel blamed when nothing was going to heal my poor ill baby.

After your third miscarriage your doctor can refer you for further investigations; you may want to ask about this if it is something that you have not been told about and you think it is something you would like.

This, in spades. Also, Lesley Regan's book on the causes of miscarriage, as it sumarises what the NHS will investigate for you - it's a little out of date but still worth a read.

And your sister is a total cow. IDK what it is about recurrent miscarriage but it really tells you who your friends are.

Obviously, if it is happening a lot, then early identification which lets you have medical intervention is important.

How can you know it's happening a lot if you don't know it's happening at all? Your post makes no sense. It's also not helpful to the OP, who has said she doesn't want to wait to test. She wanted to know what to do about one person who kept giving her unwanted advice, she wasn't asking to have that unwanted advice repeated and justified.

I wondered whether OP was not from the UK - but, if you, then where I am at least, if you've had multiple miscarriages then you're entitled to testing to look into the causes, but also to an early scan at 6/7 weeks. I didn't know that until my GP told me, so just thought I'd share in case it was helpful information to anyone.

Ladies, thank you so much for the support and sympathy and additional informations.

I know my doctor can refer me to further investigation. Problem is I relocated from London to Vienna since September even though I still visit London at least once a month. I have terrible experience with OB in Vienna during my 2nd MC where the doctor (wasn't my regular doctor but the husband of my (then) regular doctor) basically just said "so do you want to finish this with D&C or medication" without telling me what had happened I literally had to cut him mid sentence and asked if it's gone. But anyway, I've found OB that I'm comfortable with but not as comfortable with the one in UK yet, possibly because of multiple bad experiences here. And the OB here doesn't seem to investigate that much unless you go to Kinderwunsch (Children wish) clinics.

But my OB in London (she is the most amazing doctor I've ever met) said she can do the tests if I want to, but she understands as I almost always have limited time in London it might be stressful. We will see her again this weekend to talk more about this and my DH thinks we can do the tests in June because he and my OB both see that I'm very concerned.

I would also understand if her suggestions is to avoid future miscarriage but it's just so that "I don't stress" so I should test later. Because she thinks if I have early miscarriage I would not notice anyway. But I am pretty sure I would because all of my MCs (one of them is not so early in pregnancy tho), have always been a lot heavier than my periods that I have to (sorry TMI) change the pads a lot more often than when I have periods and also more of clots/products and it is very painful I can not do anything sometimes. And like what I said, my OB has prescribed me some stuffs which I feel is better to be taken as early as possible in pregnancy/conception.

Looking back it is funny because she literally said that she understands but she actually doesn't at all. She did get pregnant slightly after a year of her marriage but it's because the first nine months she had to relocate abroad for her work which I think is a huge factor to it as well, so it's not an infertility issue. She's never had MC herself but she kept mentioning this and that person that she knows had MC in sort of an attempt to proof to me that she understands. I don't think even sending this thread would make her feel any different about her opinion tho, in contrary she would probably lash out on me even more :'(

And having said all those, I still do want to forgive her (not now tho) but I feel like I need to hear the word sorry from her.

I'm sorry op. Unfortunately some people really are just crap like this. It's the same with any kind of upset or grief, some people just don't know how to act or act insensitivly. She needs to apologise, definitely. She's been very insensitive and unfair.

I understand sonetimes not testing might help someone but not many and certainly it shouldn't be continually offered as a suggestion. My dgm was still well aware she'd miscarried depute the much later testing. I regret not testing and taking the 'wait until second period should be due' attitude after my first miscarriage. Im pretty sure I had another much earlier miscarriage, my doctor agreed buy I would have prefered the test to be totally sure.

I just wanted to add that I found that, weirdly, a couple of people who had been really kind about my first one were less good about the second - almost as if I should be used to it by now, or as if expecting two rounds of sympathy was just too much. I wonder whether your sister shares this (to me inexplicable) mindset.

@Staypuff I did not even test that early actually. With my first and second one, I tested after I was late at least for a few days since I am more of the getting AF like clockwork type, I did test early with 3rd one cause I had IB and I suspected a pregnancy. But I feel I should test early now if I get pregnant because of the meds my OB prescribed me.

@MargaretCavendish that is sadly could be a possibility. Strangely enough my SIL and PIL have been very supportive and even more supportive this time (even tho we're not super duper close). MIL is constantly worried about me and how'm I feeling now and SIL texted me few times and kept telling me to call her if I need someone to talk to. I wish my sister could show that kind of support.. :(

You are better then me then, I tested after one day late on all but the possible second miscarriage.

Testing on time helps you to know if you are having miscarriages. Hopefully your next bfp will be a sticky bean of a rainbow baby. It's terribly sad you have lost three before they could give you anything but I'll be hoping for you that these meds help.