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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet my Abusive ex for coffee

59 replies

Pickleypickles · 07/05/2017 16:39

I'll try and keep it as short as I can without drip feeding...

Met my ex 3 and a half years ago. I was 22 he was 34. Real jack the lad, smoked weed, dealt weed ( on a large scale) liked his beer and his women. I was in a shitty place, just came out of a long suffocating relationship, was failing uni, had my own problems with weed and was living with parents.

He was awful all the way through our relationship, he cheated on me with his ex, blatantly (like underwear on the radiator blatant) but when I got upset or angry over it he would tell me I was being an immature little girl and to get over myself. He constantly called me thick and told me a wouldn't amount to anything, he came from a nice family, lots of money and privately educated and would make sure I didn't forget my family were working class. He wouldn't take me to see his family as I was "too common and would embarrass him". Unfortunately I was head over heels for him and believed everything he said and accepted it.

2 years in things come to a head, he has a bug court case, I have no sympathy and the arguments were getting worse until one day he pinned me against a wall by my neck leaving bruises. That was the final straw I left there and then and apart from the odd text didn't see him again.

Until last June when on a drunken night out I saw him and one thing led to another and now I have a beautiful DD 9 wks old.

My parents weren't happy and gave me a choice his help or there's. I chose there's.

I have now sorted my life out, quite smoking, have a house and a full time job and I'm happier than I have been in years.

We have always swapped the odd text (a couple a month) and despite him saying hed changed I didn't belive him. I know he has lost all his friends (wasn't just me he belittled apparently) and I think he is lonely, his dad died about 12 months before I met him which he took really hard and his mother is a huge alcoholic, no other family in the region.

He text me again yesterday saying he had changed and misses me so WIBU to meet him for a coffee (without dd) and see for myself. I don't want an arsehole in my daughters life but if he has changed am I withholding something from her? I don't think my mum will forgive me if I tell him about the baby, she thinks it will be a Pandoras box and I will just end up depressed again woth him in my life and regretting it and tbh I agree and I don't think he can change personally he's been set in his ways too long, but, I don't want my dd to resent me never giving him a chance.

If you made it to the bottom of this thank you!

OP posts:
BenadrylCucumberpatch · 07/05/2017 17:09

If you do, you're demonstrating you'd essentially sacrifice your DDs safety and wellbeing for the sake of an Old Times Sake shag.
Because that's likely the only reason he's back in touch. Sex, and to get his foot back in your door.
If you do this, SS will end up involved.
Think carefully who is more important to you, DD or your Ex.

Whisky2014 · 07/05/2017 17:11

No, don't meet him

nogrip · 07/05/2017 17:17

You loon to consider it

LadyLapsang · 07/05/2017 17:22

No, never. It's not just about you now, think of your DD if you can't think of yourself (but I hope you can).

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 17:22

No, absolutely not. My DD went through three years of hell with her abusive partner. Long story, we are now trying to get him sent to prison. She kept forgiving him because of his empty promises.

Don't do it, please, please, please - having nothing to do with him. He has no rights at all. If you let him back into your life and tell him of your beautiful baby, you will never be rid of him. Don't believe his lies. Because that is what they are - lies.

category12 · 07/05/2017 17:23

You should do some counselling and the Freedom Programme, OP.

And stop texting him. Change your number.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 07/05/2017 17:23

Have nothing to do with this man, ever.

BeeFarseer · 07/05/2017 17:24

Oh my fucking god NO.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/05/2017 17:24

No ! Don't ope. That door again and don't risk losing the the support you have either

number1wang · 07/05/2017 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2017 17:29

No NO NO are you mad!

Original poster
Pickleypickles · 07/05/2017 17:35

Thank you for the replies, I just wanted some outside opinions that weren't mine or my mums, for the record, when I said meet him for coffee it wasn't to start a relationship again with me, just Dd which I didn't want but couldn't shake a niggling feeling that maybe I was putting my feelings of dislike ahead of my daughters need for a father. Thank you all for clarifying I am not unreasonable

OP posts:
LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 07/05/2017 17:37

If he had changed he would know what he had done wrong and wouldn't be contacting you ever. He'd show you the respect you deserve by walking away and letting you get on with your life.

Men like him don't change, to echo what others have said think of your daughter instead of how you feel, don't let him in. Abusive men are brilliant at playing the charmer till they have you firmly back in their grasps. What happens if he tricks you into believing he has changed, you go back and the next throat he grabs or person he belittles and whose self esteem he ruins is your daughter?

You got this, your mom and dad are there to support you. Change your number and lose his. You and your dd deserve so much more.

KinkyAfro · 07/05/2017 17:41

I can't actually believe your were considering it in the first place! Read your OP, that should tell you all you need to know

EvansOvalPies · 07/05/2017 17:43

Well Done Pickley Stay strong. And you may not have met him with the intention of starting up the relationship again, but men like him, as Superhero says above, are extremely manipulative. They niggle away, nipping at your heels like a little terrier, until you come around to their way of thinking. So he would persuade you. And you would then be trapped.

Don't give him another thought, and you and your beautiful daughter have a happy life. Flowers

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/05/2017 17:45

I'm going to be really blunt now but give your head a wobble! You fucked up big time when you ended up having the ONS and having a baby with this total loser (what happened...no contraception? No safer sex practices with someone known to shag around? If a condom failed, why no morning after pill?). A catalogue of poor judgements alright, so stop making poor decisions and engage your brain. No, of course you shouldn't meet him and of course he should have nothing to do with your DD. No father is better than a twat like that, and as PPs have said, SS would be very interested I bet!

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 17:52

You wouldn't be giving her a father.

You'd be shackling her with an abusive, violent piece of shit as a family member who would be most likely to give her a horrible, dysfunctional childhood. You'd be reducing considerably her chances of forming stable, happy relationships, because the primary 'father figure' she would learn from would be him - the man who put his hands round your throat. You'd also be reducing considerably her chances of growing up happy, with good self-esteem, because no way could he put her first.

You'd be risking losing her, to be honest - because I would think it would only be a matter of time before SS were involved.

You'd also probably lose: your support, a whole load of cash in court, any chance of stability and a happy home life, and, eventually, probably your daughter's respect.

If you could look into the future and see how her chances of success are likely to shrink with a shit like this in her life, I guarantee you would be horrified.

Put her first and keep away from him.

Get yourself to a much better place and you will have a much better chance of meeting someone genuine, strong, and loving who can and will be a good father figure to your DD and maybe other children.

You have an unanimous vote here, with many posts from people who've been either the child or the mother in this situation.

An abusive parent is far, far worse than no parent.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/05/2017 17:54

And by the way - you CAN do it!

You are doing it!

You've got away. You've taken the right road and put your daughter among people who love and care for her. You are strong. You can be happy.

You can do it, carry on as you are and keep away from him and you will only get stronger and happier.

ILoveMyMonkey · 07/05/2017 17:56

I disagree strongly with Crispbutty - he's proved himself to be untrustworthy, cruel, violent and immature. No father is better than one like that and he gave up his right to your consideration when he tried to kill you (because that IS what he did).

^^ this, a thousand times this.
He doesn't deserve to be a dad to your DD and you'll both be better off without him around and without the stresses of contact and visits. Definitely keep it quiet from him, block his number and stop all contact.

Tannyfastic · 07/05/2017 17:58

Glad to hear your update Pickley.

As has been suggested, change your number and also get enrolled onto the freedom programme.
Maximise your chances of future healthy relationships, and also put that on the family tree for your daughter.

Bebopaloula · 07/05/2017 18:04

Please don't go. Think in the long term and of the message u want to give to your daughter.
What kind of man do U want her to grow up and have in her life; how do you want her to think of the male role model? I'm sure ur father is providing her with that until u meet someone who is good enough to treat u right and give u both the life u deserve.
Please don't go.

ohfourfoxache · 07/05/2017 18:07

Oh thank God Thanks

Well done, you're doing the right thing Thanks

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 07/05/2017 18:08

Yes meet him.

And slam your fingers in door and repeatedly punch yourself in face. Just as sensible.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 07/05/2017 18:28

Thank goodness you are not going to meet him.

With a father like this the only things your DD will learn is how to be a manipulative bitch, and how to have absolute contempt for her mother. And that is looking at things optimistically. What is more likely to happen is that he'll call her thick, and common, and 'just like your stupid mother', and destroy her self esteem, setting her up to look for a similar tosspot as a partner or husband.

If you want a father figure in your child's life, look to a good male role model in your own life - your father, an uncle, a grandfather, a male family friend. Look for someone who will teach her how girls and women should be treated, I don't think your ex even knows how to begin with that.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/05/2017 18:36

Op

If you open the door by meeting him for coffee - he will soon convince you he has changed - he will turn on the charm

He does not want you - he never did as you were not enough for him. If you weren't enough for him then you certainly won't be now.

If you give him the chance to set foot in your daughters life and see her he will no doubt take you to court for access and just think years down the line be exposing her to his violent relationships etc and you will be able to do nothing about it - your daughter will be damaged though - he is dysfunctional to the core and that will spread to your child

You cannot tell if a man has changed by meeting him for coffee either so don't fool yourself

He was like a drug to you and you are flirting with the devil.

Wise up you are just a stop gap for him and nothing more