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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 year old now 'dreading' school trip we paid £200 for

35 replies

kitnkaboodle · 07/05/2017 16:10

It's an optional 'fun' residential trip. Only 2 nights, outward bound type thing. We signed up for it ages ago and have been paying it in instalments since. It's very soon. Out of the blue he was in tears yesterday as he's 'dreading it'. Not the activities - which are just the sort of thing he enjoys and that we never do as a family - but the fact none of his friends are going and he doesn't know who is.
I'm going to call school tomorrow just to check if there's the potential for a refund (doubt it). Then there's The Meeting next Thursday all about it. Obviously that might change his mind about how awful it's going to be . If not, WIBU to 'make' him go on it??

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 07/05/2017 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldwife · 07/05/2017 16:13

It's a lot of money to lose if he just changed his mind.

I wouldn't be happy about it

Perhaps at the meeting find out who is going that DS can buddy up with.

The activities will keep them pretty busy so he will likely make friends anyway.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 07/05/2017 16:15

Instead of contacting the school to request a refund contact them to explain he is upset and doesn't know anyone going - they are likely to try to pair him up with someone or talk to him about who is going. He could have a brilliant time and make new friends, it doesn't seem a very good reason not to go. It's only two nights.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 07/05/2017 16:18

This is normal pre trip nerves. He wanted to go otherwise he wouldnt have signed up for it. If it was really important to him his friends were going he would have made 100% certain they were going before he signed up. He is just worried abiut who he will be sharing with etc. Let the school know and they will make sute he is in a room with kids he is likely to get on with.

alpacawhacker · 07/05/2017 16:18

This exact thing happened when my ds was going on one of these trips. I talked to the teacher organising the trip and she assured me that it was a lovely group of kids going, so we made him go. He wasn't best pleased but admitted when he came back that he had enjoyed it and had made some new friends.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 07/05/2017 16:19

You need to tell your child that he will be fine. Not knowing anyone is not a good reason to pull out, in life he will be in lots of situations where he won't know anyone but he'll have to make the effort to get to know other people.

Ime, school trips are brilliant for this sort of thing - widening your dc's social circle.

Don't try and fix it for him. Encourage him firmly that he can do this and he will probably enjoy it anyway. Children need to learn a bit of resilience and understand that they can do things they thought they couldn't. It is incredibly important for good mental health in later life.

ssd · 07/05/2017 16:19

I wouldnt make him go, yes I'd be gutted about the money but IME a 13 yr old boy doesnt cry for nothing

NightWanderer · 07/05/2017 16:20

Dont call the school and ask for a refund. Just reasurre him he'll have an amazing time, which he will.

NotHotDogMum · 07/05/2017 16:24

This happens all the time, kids get last minute nerves. Make the school aware of it, they will make sure he is grouped with some like minded kids and well looked after. He will have a wonderful time and come back having made a whole lot of new friends.

Slurrycart · 07/05/2017 16:32

Ah poor lad, bless him, I second the suggestion of buddying him up with one or two of the other boys at the meeting tomorrow.

We had a similar situation (when DD was slightly younger than your ds) and I'm afraid we insisted she went (with lots of reassurance, coping strategies in place, teachers informed, etc). It was partly because having thought about it and committed to it, we felt it was important that she followed through as we felt she was having a last minute doubts due to lack of self confidence. It turned out more than fine in the end; she had a blast!

Mh/severe anxiety issues aside, I think a 13 yr old should be able to stick out two nights, even when they are not enjoying it particularly, and ime they tend to keep the DC so busy on these trips that they don't have time to feel lonely and they are usually put in to pairs and teams for different tasks. And if you let the organizers know that he is panicking a bit, they will pair him up carefully when it comes to night time accommodation.

Also 200 smackers is a lot of money and this situation could turn in to a useful lesson about stickability/commitment to himself and others/resilience etc. I bet you he will have a great time!

NeverTwerkNaked · 07/05/2017 16:34

Its good for children to be in situations where they don't know anybody well! It's likely he will come out of it with some new friends. Ask school to keep an eye on it, hopefully they will do some ice breaker type activities.
I did lots of summer camps etc as a teenager and it made starting university feel really quite easy.

Dozer · 07/05/2017 16:34

He should go.

Ravenblack · 07/05/2017 16:35

Are you sure there's not more to it OP? Not being bullied is he?

Surely he must have known for ages that 'no-one he knows is going' (if that is the real reason.)

I would dig deeper.

Original poster

kitnkaboodle · 07/05/2017 16:54

We have ruled out any fears over activities, people he dislikes, the mobile phone ban there. He's begging me not to tell the school about his self consciousness and just to ring to find out about the practicality (or not) of cancelling, so we see where we stand. I agree that 2 nights is nothing - it's leave on a Friday come back on Sunday. So WIBU to tell the school that he's really anxious about going even though he's begged me not to tell them that??

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 16:55

oh dear! Poor kid.
But I don't think I would pull him out, just try and find out who else is going.
When I was 10, I went on a school trip - a week's holiday - with none of my friends, because they'd all chosen to go to a different destination (we had a choice of 3) and I wanted to go to this particular one. I vaguely knew the other children, they were all in my year after all, but none of them were in my class or my actual friends.
I was a shy child, a little bullied because of glasses and nerdiness, but I went on the holiday and still had a good time, and in fact made better friends with some of the other children I was away with.

Unless he's being bullied badly by someone he knows is going, or has severe anxiety issues, I would try and reassure him that it's going to be ok, look at it as an opportunity to broaden his acquaintance at the school. BUT - if he IS being bullied by someone who is going, then you need to know about that to put a stop to it somehow.

Original poster

kitnkaboodle · 07/05/2017 16:56

Oh and I think it was last October when we signed up for this. It had slipped off his radar, though I've been reminding him about it since easter.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 07/05/2017 17:06

DS had similar last minute nerves the first time he went on an Army Cadet trip. He went and had a great time.

I think reassure your DS that the nerves are normal, a lot of the people going will be having similar wobbles. Part of the challenge of these types of trips is to face your fears whether it is abseiling down a wall or spending a couple of days with people you dont know well.

Starlight2345 · 07/05/2017 17:06

I would discretely contact the school, let them know how he is feeling..Making new friends is not only empowering but a really important skill.

Unless a serious anxiety or bullying reason , I would be reassuring and firm.

Allthebestnamesareused · 07/05/2017 17:07

My son felt a bit like this before he went on a week long trip to France but met a lad in his year he didn't previously know and he is now one of his top 3 friends.

As it is activities based just keep focussing on how much fun they'll be.

Slurrycart · 07/05/2017 17:13

Could you negotiate with him a bit and say you will ask about the practicalities of cancelling, if he attends the meeting with you tomorrow with an open mind?

It's a difficult one about telling the teachers. I'd wait to see (if you have sufficient time - is the trip this w/e?) how he feels after the meeting (hopefully reassured and a bit better) and stress that it is totally normal and incredibly common to get last minute nerves - tell him DC don't talk about it but you know for a fact they do - and maybe that you felt anxious when you went away as a child - and that the teachers will have heard it all before and won't think anything less of him etc etc, in fact it's a good idea to tell them in advance so they can work with him on coping strategies together etc etc. He may feel better about confiding in them then.

Slurrycart · 07/05/2017 17:18

Having said all that,if the above strategy doesn't work then I think I would have a very discreet word with the teacher, yes. (Difficult ethically spking going behind your dc back though, but I think justified sometimes.)

MycatsaPirate · 07/05/2017 17:21

Ah bless him. I'm pretty sure he will be absolutely fine once he gets there and gets busy doing activities.

My youngest had a residential in year 5 (first year of middle school) and as she had transferred from a school out of the area (back to our catchment) she literally knew no-one and was very anxious about going.

But she went and she loved it. Absolutely loved every minute of it.

The thing with these trips is they create an opportunity for kids to meet others outside their pre-existing friendship groups and find that actually they have stuff in common with others that they had previously not even noticed.

I would tell your ds that school said no to cancelling but speak to them on the quiet and ask them if he can be roomed with others who aren't in a particular friendship group so that he has a chance of making new friends.

I really do think he will be fine once he gets there.

dayswithaY · 07/05/2017 17:28

This happened with my DS. Everyone had to find a partner before the trip and no one wanted to go with him. He felt humiliated and didn't even want to go into school the next day let alone get on a coach for the trip. I caved and said he didn't have to go if he was feeling so rejected. It reminded me of my school days. Part of me wishes I had made him go now but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do.

Whatsername17 · 07/05/2017 17:36

I'm a teacher and head of year. Please ring thr school. There are a number of things they can do: 1. Look at the kids going and make sure he is with a couple who will look after him. 2. Reassure him and you. 3. They might have a reserve list of kids who are desperate to go. You will get your money back. If they can fill his spot.

Original poster

kitnkaboodle · 07/05/2017 17:37

days - what an awful system ... you'd have thought they'd realise there was an odd number will talk to him before bed tonight, call school tomorrow purely about the practicalities and go to the meeting to see who's on the trip. After that we still have another week in which to negotiate. Going over his head and telling teachers about his insecurity would be a big risk. I don't think he'd ever forgive me if he found out I'd done it. Not sure I could trust the teachers to be disceet enough about it. - dunno

OP posts:

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