To ask how much freedom you give your 13 and 16 year olds?

[FataliePorkman]

Because apparently "I'm the worse mum ever"

16 year old:
Allowed to stay out until midnight. We live in a rough area so I insist either me or DP pick her up if her BF isn't dropping her off/coming home with her.
BF is allowed to stay over- but the door must stay open if Me, DP and DD2 are home. I'm not naive and don't have a problem with them having sex- but DD2 is very easily influenced and I don't want her reaching that stage of maturity yet as she is still quite young.
Allowed to be at home alone during the day and I'm considering leaving her home alone for 1 night while we visit family with DD2- DD1 isn't bothered.
Does own laundry and ironing. Cooks twice a week.
No pocket money but me and DP give her money for clothes every few months and will give her the odd £10.
Have agreed to buy a car for 17th birthday but told her she needs to contribute to insurance etc so she needs to get a job. Family members, family friends and God parents have given £500 between them all for driving lessons.
We respect her privacy with social media and phone use. Before 16 we did monitor this and she wasn't allowed her mobile phone in her bedroom.
Allowed to wear makeup as she pleases
We respect her privacy if she stays at her BFs house- all we ask is for a text if they go out of an evening so we know she is safe.
We insist she stays at home alone on a college night- she is up at 5.30 to get ready in time to catch the bus at 7am. We insist she is in bed by 10pm. We allowed her to start going to bed as she pleased- but she was becoming a nightmare to get out of bed in the morning.

13 year old:
Allowed to play out etc with friends but must be in by the time it goes dark. We allow her to freely invite up to 3 friends around at anytime.
Is allowed to go into town of a weekend with friends but we insist me or DP pick her up/drop her off if DD1 and her BF don't do it. Allowed to get public transport from town to friends houses before 8pm.
Has mobile phone (got iPhone for birthday) and has recently been allowed social media but this is closely monitored and Me, DP and DD1 are friends on all social media accounts.
Easy going with regards to chores but expect to pitch in if asked. I have taught her how to do some basic ironing this weekend.
Gets £20 pocket money a week and we take her clothes shopping every so often.
Allow to be home alone for an hour or so but knows not to cook unsupervised although I am starting to teach her how to cook.
Homework is supervised and we ask to check her school planner of a weekend.
Bedtime is 9pm. Lights out at 10pm. She gets up at 8am (school is literally a couple of hundred yards away)
Allowed to wear simple makeup- BB cream and mascara and some light blush. We let her wear some eyeshadow for special occasions and DD1 does her nails for parties etc but we do not allow nail varnish for school.
Had ears pierced for 13th birthday present.

Can't comment on your 16yo, I only have a 13 yo but yours is allowed to do some things my dd isn't -
Not allowed to 'play' out at all, at 13 the version of playing out I have witnessed is hanging round in groups at the park or shops, smoking, shouting and swearing and causing a bit of a nuisance. My dd goes to friends places (verified) or they come here or for instance a local cafe for lunch/tea with a few friends. She's got a phone and access to social media but I monitor it.
I buy her everything she needs and I also buy her/give money within reason when asked for wants (that's financially dictated though) she gets £5pw pocket money from her dad and £5 from my mum so I top her phone by £10 a month but over and above that she does it with her own money. Everything else you do has reassured me I'm doing OK actually cos it's pretty much the same as I allow

I have a 16 year old son and am also struggling with what is an appropriate level of supervision/control.

He does have a job but he's also got GCSEs starting next week (I'm guessing if your daughter is at college she's probably not a year 11 16 year old). So we have lots of arguments about him taking on extra shifts when he should be revising etc.

He did have a gf but she was only 15 - so although I didn't meet her mum, we had a friendly and useful text exchange with a mutual agreement that they weren't left alone in bedrooms etc. I also had a conversation with my son about the legalities of his relationship and the ramifications etc. He was mortified but the last thing we wanted was an irate parent banging on his door with the police in tow - you never know.

His main interests are sport so I haven't had him wanting to stay out late yet, however he does often go out without telling me where he's off to which I find hard, also he never seems to answer his phone (which I pay for) which is another source of conflict.

We try to be fairly easy-going but I don't think teenagers will ever be happy unless you give them a never-ending supply of money and food and leave them 100% alone. Which, for their own safety, ain't gonna happen.

You have my sympathy.

We don't have such stipulated rules as you but allow similar in terms of bedtimes etc (younger DC are 14 and 15, nearly 16).

I would say I am surprised 13yo is not allowed/does not know how to cook. Ds2 (14) can and has cooked unaided (all kinds of things eg buns, pasta, cheesecake) for years. Also he is allowed home alone for as long as needed (tho in practice DD or ds1 -17 - is usually there).

None of mine have a bf/gf, nor do they want to stay out late so don't have to deal with that. Yet.

I can't answer for the 16 yr old but we have a 13yr old ds. He has a phone, and has done for a while now- we are able to look at it anytime we ask, do keep an eye on social media etc. His phone has to be downstairs with us after 9pm, he goes to bed anytime up to 10pm (lights out) - no official time but we were finding if he had his phone up with him he would watch rubbish on youtube all night if he could.

He walks to/from school, so we're happy for him to go to friends houses/local park - he tells us where he's going, and has a fair amount of freedom in that he has to be home before it's dark. He's footie mad so often he's at the park playing football with his friends.

He's left home alone regularly (at his request), generally when we are taking his sisters to other clubs/parties etc, he's allowed and quite capable of cooking his dinner if he's hungry - though this isn't done that regularly as his diet would consist mostly of bacon! We've not left him home alone overnight, as it's not been necessary, and am not sure if he would be ok with that. He has to do muck in with household chores, as and when they have to be done- he doesn't get any official pocket money but we do buy bits and pieces when he needs it, pay for his clubs etc., and as he get's older will get a Saturday job to learn about budgeting etc. We are lucky to live in a city where there are opportunities for him to do this.

16 year old during the week has to be in at 10.30 although only once or twice, Weekends In at 12.30 ! Does very little to help if she does chores she gets 20pw but rarely does so usually a 5er here and there. I have also all but given up harassing her about revision she does the bare minimum/none and seems to think she'll just blag her way through life despite me telling her otherwise constantly !

My 13y old has similar rules to yours except (like a pp) I'm surprised that yours doesn't cook yet. Not a big deal though.

Also, my 13y old is left alone for more than "an hour" - I'd be ok with 5-6 hours. That's a fairly recent thing though.

My 13 year old has very similar amount of freedom to yours. All sounds fair.

Not sure if its a typo but do you give your 13 yr old £20 pocket money per week and 16 yr old no pocket money? that would certainly cause problems in my house tbh

Thank you everyone. Don't feel as bad now. Had a massive row with DD1 this morning as she didn't turn up until 2.30 and DP had gone out looking for her. Feel she is too old to be grounded at nearly 17 and has gone off in a sulk to her boyfriend with only a passive aggressive text to let us know she is OK. DP is going there at 8pm to bring her home. Apparently she is going to move out because "we are such shit parents". The joys of teenagers

Angel- no typo. We sat DD1 down at 16 and said as me and DP had to work from that age we expected her to do the same. We increased pocket money temporarily but told her it would be stopped unless she got herself a part time job- and she hasnt. She could work a few hours a week for me or DP and we would pay her more than generously for her age but she thinks she is going to spend her life being funded by us for free and she needs to realise it isn't going to happen so for now we will clothe and feed her and pay for her phone as she cant get her own contract as she is under 18. We will have the same rule with DD2 and at 18 all their responsibilities will be their own as they will be adults.

The teen years are so hard aren't they Wish I could help but I've no idea what I'm doing myself you sound like a concerned parent with sensible rules, I'm sure you're doing great

No pocket money for DD1 seems a bit harsh as she is in full time education. I would consider that to be her job.

Conversely £20 per week for your 13yo is a massive amount!

I have a 16yo and a 13yo and I think you're generous compared with mine and their friends.

Only thing I think we're giving more is dd1 has an allowance (with debit card) and gets quite a bit more-but that's on the understanding that I may sometimes ask her to run up to the shop and get something and she'll pay by card, or if she's out with her siblings I may ask her to buy something for them. Big amounts we'd pay back, just the little oddments)
And my 13yo will stay at home alone (and cook, she's pretty good in the kitchen, will do full meals or cakes etc) all day when I'm at work if she's home.

Moving out is the equivalent of the toddler stop I remember ds having aged about 3yo. He was going to move out and find a nicer mummy after I'd told him he couldn't do something or other.

DS16 can come and go as he pleases as long as he's home by midnight or has a reason why not (such as an event). In reality he has only stayed out later than 10pm on the night of his prom when he came in at 1am and his granddad picked him up. He is allowed to go to the pub with his friends to play pool, he doesn't drink alcohol at the pub because he looks about 12 and doesn't want to risk it, but he is allowed to drink at home and has been most of his life - glass of wine with dinner every now and then, over the last year or so he has been drinking cider occasionally. When he's at the pub he usually phones us to pick him up by 9pm.

We pay for his bus pass, mobile contract, gym, clothes, and give him £25 a month with money as and when required for going out if he has spent all his wages from his weekend job. He has a car already that was his nan's, and we will pay to insure it when the time comes (at present it's in my dad's garage). He has just signed up to Spotify and has agreed to do extra chores to recompense me. He cooks at least twice a week, through choice rather than necessity.

*more money as required

My oldest is 12.

She's allowed out with friends, but only to do a specific thing, no 'hanging around'.
She can have friends round as long as they don't cause me any stress!
She uses the tube/bus freely even to go quite far afield.
Has a mobile phone, has some social media which is occasionally checked.
Same with chores.
She gets no pocket money at all, but we hand out cash when she needs it.
Can be left at home for several hours at a time and will get herself basic meals (sandwich, ready meal, toast). Can cook, but wouldn't let her do it while home alone yet.
Absolutely no supervision of homework whatsoever, but she's unbelievably conscientious so we don't need to.
Bedtime is 9:30pm. Lights out at 10:30pm. She gets up at 6:45am. These are all 'ish' times though we don't have cast iron bedtimes.
She doesn't wear make up or have her ears pierced, but that's personal choice. She is allowed to do both if she wants. Sometimes has nail varnish.

The only thing I think is a bit 'tight' is the leaving her at home. I think at 13 she should be able to be left for a few hours at least.

Only difference I had was at 15+ I was left every weekend ( NOT a good idea as though I had some of my favourite memories I began drinking and smoking a lot), I wasn't SM monitored because mum didn't have a clue about it and I was allowed to cook at 13 alone ( I was trained professionally though). BF was not allowed to sleep in my room until 18.
You sound pretty good to me.

And tbf @Desperateforsleepzzzz if your daughter is smart or talented enough she probably will lag her way through life ... I certainly have and I have a postgraduate degree ( fully blagged)

Oh and I was a nightmare to my mum - constantly angry, entitled, martyred and upset - shaking , crying , screaming arguments every week. It was a phase and we're close again now I'm older :)

Hmmm Dd is at a school for children with behavioural issues and isn't predicted to do well GCSE wise. I have said I wouldn't mind what mark she got as long as she tried. She just said she'll be "rich" but no idea how and won't pick anything to do next year 😬.

I dont have as many set rules as you do - like bed times etc (mine go later) but mine probably dont do tons of staying out late in the evenings and no BFs or GFs staying over yet. I don't mind a bit of hanging about on the streets occasionally as I'm not sure what else there is for them to do - its safe round here. I feel a bit sorry for DD16 if she occasionally comes in freezing having spent all evening on a bench!

Many of my DD16's friends are very druggy and I'm just glad she's not. She's very honest and open and so am I. Generally, I listen to what the plan is and decide according to the circumstances - they are pretty reasonable and I am too.

The money bit I don't really get for the 16year old (its seems a bit unfair given the 13 year old is better off), with me both get allowances and DD16 tops up with jobs and babysitting - but I don't want to hand out money every now and again as I want them to learn to budget.

I've not hit a lot of aggro and worst mother stuff. Some grumbling about nagging about revising and homework but we use a lot of jokes to get round that. I'm divorced and maybe they're a bit kinder to me as a result - they know how hard I've tried and am trying. I'm also more likely to be encouraging them to go out a bit more and have fun (not school nights mind).

But in the end you sound like you're being a kind, responsible parent. We are all trying our best right? There's no set rules.

My 13 yo wouldn't be trusted in the house for more than an hour! My 11 year old could be left all day but they both cook well too. I've started letting them cook for the family on a Sunday (partly supervised).

Bedtime is 9pm. They get £5 a week pocket money, but can earn more through chores.

I don't have a 16 yo, but it sounds like you're doing a great job to me.

DS(13) has £20 per month allowance plus I pay £10 per month giff gaff for his phone. It's not an issue since he's not a shopper besides the odd computer game/magazine/book. He doesn't really have a social life (yet!) and definitely no time during the school week Goes to bed by 9.30 pm during the week and up at 6.30 am (out the door at 7:00 with DH who drops him off to catch the school bus at 7:15). He's happy to meet up with mates in town to go to the cinema on occasion at the weekend but I normally give him a lift at least one way. This only happens a few times a year, usually if it's someone's birthday. Honestly, I don't think 13 yr old boys cba yet - they're still doing sports on Sat/Sun mornings.

If it helps I was living away at 17 so in shared rooms (agricultural college)
You could go from 16, the rules were shared rooms so two to a room. No males allowed in female blocks but females allowed in male blocks. No overnight visitors
11pm curfew to be in rooms unless you had a permission slip signed from parents. Either way you had to sign in and out and a note with where you were and a tel no (so maybe sign out at 10pm, sign back at 5am with a note saying boyfriends house)

I think loads of kids generally don't like their house rules since Dd hit puberty it's all about what "everyone else " can do. I often hear Anna's mum buys vodka, let's her boyfriend sleepover and have house parties. Then once she's over whatever unreasonable request I've refused she'll be saying "isn't Anna's mum bad letting her do all that". You can't win ! As for the money it's a shame ema was stopped.

My 15 yr old ds gets £10 a week but has to do chores for this. We pay for phone and essential clothes, toiletries. Any fancy stuff he wants he Has to fund with more chores or birthday/xmas/dgp money.

He has to be in by 8pm on school nights and 12am at weekends.