To ask how much freedom you give your 13 and 16 year olds?

[FataliePorkman]

Because apparently "I'm the worse mum ever"

16 year old:
Allowed to stay out until midnight. We live in a rough area so I insist either me or DP pick her up if her BF isn't dropping her off/coming home with her.
BF is allowed to stay over- but the door must stay open if Me, DP and DD2 are home. I'm not naive and don't have a problem with them having sex- but DD2 is very easily influenced and I don't want her reaching that stage of maturity yet as she is still quite young.
Allowed to be at home alone during the day and I'm considering leaving her home alone for 1 night while we visit family with DD2- DD1 isn't bothered.
Does own laundry and ironing. Cooks twice a week.
No pocket money but me and DP give her money for clothes every few months and will give her the odd £10.
Have agreed to buy a car for 17th birthday but told her she needs to contribute to insurance etc so she needs to get a job. Family members, family friends and God parents have given £500 between them all for driving lessons.
We respect her privacy with social media and phone use. Before 16 we did monitor this and she wasn't allowed her mobile phone in her bedroom.
Allowed to wear makeup as she pleases
We respect her privacy if she stays at her BFs house- all we ask is for a text if they go out of an evening so we know she is safe.
We insist she stays at home alone on a college night- she is up at 5.30 to get ready in time to catch the bus at 7am. We insist she is in bed by 10pm. We allowed her to start going to bed as she pleased- but she was becoming a nightmare to get out of bed in the morning.

13 year old:
Allowed to play out etc with friends but must be in by the time it goes dark. We allow her to freely invite up to 3 friends around at anytime.
Is allowed to go into town of a weekend with friends but we insist me or DP pick her up/drop her off if DD1 and her BF don't do it. Allowed to get public transport from town to friends houses before 8pm.
Has mobile phone (got iPhone for birthday) and has recently been allowed social media but this is closely monitored and Me, DP and DD1 are friends on all social media accounts.
Easy going with regards to chores but expect to pitch in if asked. I have taught her how to do some basic ironing this weekend.
Gets £20 pocket money a week and we take her clothes shopping every so often.
Allow to be home alone for an hour or so but knows not to cook unsupervised although I am starting to teach her how to cook.
Homework is supervised and we ask to check her school planner of a weekend.
Bedtime is 9pm. Lights out at 10pm. She gets up at 8am (school is literally a couple of hundred yards away)
Allowed to wear simple makeup- BB cream and mascara and some light blush. We let her wear some eyeshadow for special occasions and DD1 does her nails for parties etc but we do not allow nail varnish for school.
Had ears pierced for 13th birthday present.

Your approach seems fine OP. More prescriptive than some and more relaxed than others.

We pay for phones + gym + sporting activities + an allowance (which does not go down if DCs also do work). Don't want DCs to feel pressurised to get paid work but don't want to penalise them if they do.

We don't really do rules. No bed-times, no curfews, no monitoring of internet use. However we do expect DCs to be considerate e.g. let us know if they aren't going to be home.

I have a 14 and 16 year old.

No BF/GF so no rules there.
Allowed and expected to cook sometimes. Dd has been baking cakes unsupervised since primary school and they can both understand and cook any recipes. Not allowed to deep fat fry.
Ds can go out but needs to text if he's going to be back for dinner. Latest he's ever come back is 9:30pm. Dd always goes out during the day.
Dad gives both pocket money which they can spend in whatever.
No supervised homework or social media but they know I have the right to ask to look. Dd (y9) never had detention at school. Ds(y11) has had detention for incomplete homework 3 times in 5 years at secondary.
Ds has no bedtime but expected to be quiet after 9pm (younger sibling)
Dd goes to sleep about 9:30pm.
Ironing school shirts started in y7 here. 😂

thirteen year olds dont go out to play-trust me!

i dont think its fair to give one and not the other pocket money personally

I have a 17, 16 and 14 year old ds's. The 14 year old rarely ventures out ( his choice). Sixteen year old gets and allowance £100 a month and is allowed to go to parties and into town with his mates as long as I know where he is going.
My 17 year old pretty much does his own thing and I don't have any restrictions on him. he has a girlfriend who he has been with for about 18months. He stays at her house and she stays here occasionally. When they stay here, they share a bed, to be honest I wouldn't dream of the door being open. he has a part time job so I only give him money now for school dinners. He travels all over the country with his mates to see his football team play at away matches. He recently travelled abroad with his mates for the first time to an International football match and I was very nervous about that convinced he would lose his passport or miss his flight but all went smoothly. he is very confident for his age and sensible.

No children but I'm 26 and I remember being 16, there's no way I'd have been allowed out until midnight, like 9:30-10 at the latest.
Wouldn't be allowed a bf/gf to stay over even now would have to be a different room.
Was allowed to stay on my own in the day from about 11-12ish but only for short periods at that time with strict instructions at 16 none really.
I didn't really do ironing out laundry/ cooked sporadically no schedule.
Had no pocket money and only received stuff generally on birthdays /Christmas
Got driving lessons for birthday/ Christmas and car wise was 50:50
Had privacy on phone but Facebook etc wasn't as big then

So a mixed bag really

Yes, I think the no pocket money for 16yo is harsh if she is in education still. I had a Saturday job at that age but I still got pocket money. I think if you expect her to be provide her own spends because she's old enough to get a job then she's also too old to be told when she can come and go and having a set bedtime. It works both ways.
If I was in your position, the 13yo would be getting £10/week and the 16yo £20/week but manages phone/social life/clothes with that. If she can't live on that then she needs a job on top.
I think you're doing a great job of giving them responsibility and boundaries apart from that. Also 13yo could do some simple cooking while you're in the house.

Apparently she is going to move out because "we are such shit parents". The joys of teenagers hmm

She could... I did! You'd be well fucked with your rules then.

Not having any money for college played a large part of me moving out as well, especially as my younger siblings wanted for nothing. Maybe you need to look at the world through a 16 yr olds eyes.

Good luck.

Mine weren't allowed so much 'freedom ' at 16. They had more in some respects but less in others.
No car - the risks for a 17 year old are too high. Driving lessons yes, access to our cars on specific terms yes but able to take who they want in car - no.
Definitely no boyfriends/girlfriends sharing rooms until over 18 and in long term relationships
Bedtime was much earlier on school days.
Clothing and other allowances were more generous
Allowed to travel independently and with groups abroad for specific purpose - which didn't include Magaluf yep holidays but work experience etc.
No weekend paid jobs as we wanted them to focus on the exams and school didn't allow jobs.
We supervised social media and phones but only closely if we had concerns.
At thirteen they had about the same. Into town was fine but we had no public transport so they were reliant on us for lifts. No just hanging around. It had to be for a purpose and with named friends. There was never really much time outside their other commitments anyway.
We've always allowed as many friends as they want, whenever they want. Sometimes up to around twenty young people of various ages would sit down to supper but usually about 12.
Monitor any social media closely.
All of ours could cook and clean from quite a young age and we e expected to do so.

Mine are 14 and 13.

Ds (14) is allowed to stay at home all day and occasionally babysits Ds2 (5), but only if DD (13) is elsewhere as they bicker. They don't get pocket money but we give them cash as and when. He goes to bed at 10.30 during the week and a bit later at weekends. He can go out whenever he wants really but doesn't tend to, I would want him home by 9pm unless he wasn't doing something specific like the cinema.

Dd (13) can be left alone if it's just her, although she usually doesn't like to be left. She spends a lot of time out of the house, in the holidays she's often out from dawn to dusk with friends, and often sleeps over or her friends stay here. If she's at a friend's house I'm ok with her staying out late so long as she stays in touch.

They both have iPhones and I do check DD's social media, DS doesn't really use it, he's a gamer.

They do the washing up on alternate evenings and are expected to keep their own rooms clear. They also make me endless cups of coffee . No boyfriends/girlfriends yet but it'll be an open door policy when that happens and no staying over until at least sixteen.

I think we're really lucky with them both so far, I was a drinking, smoking, shagging nightmare at 14.