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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you act towards adults now if you were bullied at school?

42 replies

SmhShakingMyHead · 07/05/2017 11:47

I had the odd mean thing said to me ... about my nose and generally how I looked. I've grown up to be a very self conscious person.

I work with one man who's different to the "norm". He's an exceptionally rude person and puts the group of people in our department down constantly. Acts very superior and he's made a few comments that have genuinely hurt me.

A colleague said that they would bet any money that he was bullied during school and this is a defence mechanism in later life.

OP posts:

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/05/2017 17:28

No ! He is a just a common garden cunt ! Bullies don't turn into bullrd

ScarlettFreestone · 08/05/2017 01:58

If he was bullied at school then that's very sad.

But it'a irrelevant to his behaviour now. He's an adult in a professional situation. He need to behave appropriately.

Has his boss not pulled him up on these negative behaviours?

toomuchtooold · 08/05/2017 06:40

My theory is that kids who are bullied (abused) in one way or another at home, go into school and are either bullied or bullies depending on how they were abused and how they responded to it. I think most people then carry that role of bullied or bully into later life, if they don't recover from it. But I don't think it is so common to change from one to the other.

There was a kid in my class who was bullied relentlessly. Our home town is a post industrial area with a lot of people working in call centres. The bullied kid went to business school and now runs two of those call centres - from time to time I see some of the ex-bullies and their hangers on asking him about job opportunities on Facebook and it always makes me smile. That's the kind of revenge opportunity you could really enjoy

wictional · 08/05/2017 07:28

I was very badly bullied at school and consequently have 0 self-esteem along with severe social and general anxiety disorders and clinical depression (all diagnosed by my therapist and gp).

I don't know that I could inflict that on someone else.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 08/05/2017 09:49

I was bullied, at school and by my grandmother. I bullied my younger cousin and my dog as a child as I had these thoughts in my head that I had to act on. A friend who's studied psychology recently guessed that I'd been bullied, but I don't know what my tells are.

zukiecat · 08/05/2017 10:08

Says hi to TheNiffler

user1487175389 · 08/05/2017 10:10

I'm the opposite - way too sensitive of others feelings.

I bet he was the school bully. They tend to stay that way.

Revengeoftheseabass · 08/05/2017 23:54

I see what you mean, toomuchtooold, but I think assuming that the people who bully you will never amount to anything can carry a lot of risks. I thought as much when I was a teenager, and rather pompously imagined I'd be superior to my tormentors (it was probably a defence mechanism as much as anything). However, when I see some of them on FB now, they seem to be doing a fair bit better than me in terms of both relationships and finances (although I realise that it could all be a load of front).

My self-esteem is still shot to pieces at 40, especially when it comes to relationships. I have a really hard time imagining any woman would find me attractive, and often assume they see me a sweaty, boring overweight creep (which I'm sure isn't true).

Revengeoftheseabass · 08/05/2017 23:58

I also had a real problem with trusting people for a long time, even friends - to the point where I used to look back when I was leaving the pub to see if they were laughing at me or talking about me in some way.

I was also very prickly about any sort of teasing/wind-ups at my expense. I'm less so now, but for years I probably came across as lacking a sense of humour in some ways. I still hate the whole laddish 'banter' nonsense, though.

coldcanary · 09/05/2017 00:09

I'm very socially insecure. I hate meeting new people and take ages to open up to them. In the past I've been accused of being either cold or a snob - I'm neither really but at a party I'm the one lurking by the buffet being totally unable to make small talk without sounding like a twat.
The bullying I got in school wasn't too bad in hindsight but it was enough to affect my confindence over the years unless I've had a drink
As for the bullies, it's been hit and miss for them as far as I can see, one girl who was known to be a bully is now a teacher and taught DS for a while - she's lovely, a good laugh and very popular with her students. We've had a couple of good nights having a drink together. The other one is apparently still an arsehole.

OliviaStabler · 09/05/2017 00:21

I was badly bullied at school. I still have the emotional scars to this day. I never bully but if I ever saw any of my tormentors now, God help them.

DJBaggySmalls · 09/05/2017 00:24

Both your colleagues are wrong. People dont change, not without a serious intervention and a lot of work. If colleague A is a bully now he was a bully at school. And colleague B probably believes that abused children go on to abuse other children as adults.

The fact is many bullied and abused children grow up with a strong sense of justice, and go on to work for the benefit of other people.

Guavaf1sh · 13/05/2017 09:40

Seabass that is so sad. Sounds like you could benefit from having your anxiety treated even now so far down the line

silkpyjamasallday · 14/05/2017 15:21

I was bullied throughout primary, secondary and finally at university which led me to have a breakdown and drop out. I have always tried so so hard to be someone people will like and to do nice things for people, and I think that people pick up on my desperation to please and take advantage. I still do it though, I don't have it in me to bite back as the consequences when I tried left me having daily panic attacks and unable to answer or look at my phone for a year. I seem to find an inner strength to stand up for others though, I didn't in the past as I was just so relieved it wasn't me being picked on, but now feel terribly guilty that those girls ended up as mentally fucked up as I did and by not stopping it I was as bad as the bullies.

PuntasticUsername · 14/05/2017 15:29

With respect, you ARE asking the wrong question. The right question is why is he now getting away with behaving poorly to his colleagues, and what is to be done about it?

The answer to that may include some analysis of the reasons why he's behaving the way he is - but that's on him. Regardless of that, the behaviour itself should be tackled, for the benefit of everyone in your workplace.

Ftw I was constantly, consistently, cruelly bullied for seven years of high school/6th form, and it took me a long time to even begin to address it all. But I never bullied others. Now, I don't take any shit from anyone and I don't stand idly by when I see it happening around me.

Kittencatkins123 · 14/05/2017 16:33

I've been bullied (at work) by people who talked about being bullied at school - it does happen. But a lot of people who were bullied would never put someone else through it.

LorLorr2 · 14/05/2017 16:40

It's hard to get into the mind of a guy like that. Sometimes I think they can be mellowed when you get on a more personal level with them- one time at school, I got left to do a project with this girl who had always picked on others and hurt me a few times. When we got down to having to work together and having conversations she actually became quite nice. Back to her same self when she was in a group of friends though.

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