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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you act towards adults now if you were bullied at school?

42 replies

SmhShakingMyHead · 07/05/2017 11:47

I had the odd mean thing said to me ... about my nose and generally how I looked. I've grown up to be a very self conscious person.

I work with one man who's different to the "norm". He's an exceptionally rude person and puts the group of people in our department down constantly. Acts very superior and he's made a few comments that have genuinely hurt me.

A colleague said that they would bet any money that he was bullied during school and this is a defence mechanism in later life.

OP posts:
Sleepdeprivedredhead · 07/05/2017 11:51

Oh god no. I am strongly outspoken about not assessing/ considering looks/ quirks/ dress sense.

reetgood · 07/05/2017 11:53

I was bullied at school. As an adult I tend to intervene when I see certain examples of similar behaviour. I find it very difficult to walk on particular kinds of intimidating behaviour. I don't tolerate sly comments or passive aggressiveness. People tend to think I have quite clear boundaries.

I met the girl who bullied me as an adult, and she apologised. We don't know what's going on for people, especially children and teenagers, that may be causing them to behave in a certain way. Understanding that doesn't mean the behaviour is acceptable. You have a right to expect to be treated in an acceptable way.

On the other hand, some people are just dicks.

Sleepdeprivedredhead · 07/05/2017 11:55

I'm probably quite short with anyone behaving rudely/ as judge and jury though. I recognise the contradiction but I have been known to snap at bullying misogynists hollering their abuse at women. I'm also not shy to say behaviour disgusts me when a bunch of colleagues are having "a bit of banter".

Camomila · 07/05/2017 11:56

I was bullied at school as a child (but had plenty of friends out of school and stopped getting bullied/got new friends at school when we swapped classes around for gcse years)

Anyways, I'm perfectly self-confident, not defensive and generally happy and fine as an adult. I don't really think much about my bullies, but if I do it's just to feel a bit sorry for them as I assume they probably had stuff going on at home that made them lash out.

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 11:56

I'm quite guarded with people who aren't my friends.
In the workplace I tend to have a one strike rule. Screw me over or try to once and your card is marked for good. I'll be polite and civil but I'm unwilling to be in a situation where I'm vulnerable to that kind of crap.

Otherwise, I'm usually caring and friendly.

RedheadLover · 07/05/2017 11:58

Some adults probably do say hurtful things to others as a defence mechanism because they were bullied at school, but isn't it equally likely that your colleague is just a prat?

Birdsgottaf1y · 07/05/2017 11:58

More like he was the bully and is continuing to do so.

I was intensely bullied, what made it worse was that i was an only child,in an area of big families. I've suffered from backstabbing/gossip in my Adult life, as well.

It's made me not trust people and I distance myself from people, in the workplace etc. I am more aware of how what is said can do damage, so I've always (i'm 49) been careful about what i say. I am confident and assertive and I make sure that I don't overpower someone who isn't.

Your background is making you put up with this, otherwise you'd be challenging it.

Don't let her, or you see this man as a victim, he isn't. He's a nasty individual who needs shutting up.

RedheadLover · 07/05/2017 11:59

I agree with Birdsgottaf1y, this man is not the victim here.

WorknameJimEllis · 07/05/2017 12:01

I was bullied

It has he'd the effect of making me massively intolerant of any bullies and bullying behaviour I see.

NeonGod73 · 07/05/2017 12:06

It is more likely he was a bully himself and he continues to be so.

Beerwench · 07/05/2017 12:10

I was bullied at home and school, I was blamed for the bullying I got at school by parents and teachers - ' If you were a bit more normal you wouldn't get bullied' so basically it was my fault I got bullied. This is still my default now, under pressure I tend to accept being a scapegoat and try and sort it out even if it's not my issue/problem because it seems easier to me to just sort it out and accept the blame than fight my corner because I never get anywhere anyway. I'm getting better at having a backbone though, I have some real friends who support me and I've kind of accepted it's who I am.

Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 12:11

Agree; far more likely he's continuing a pattern of bullying behaviour, not "asserting" himself because he's been bullied himself.

Notmyrealname85 · 07/05/2017 12:11

We had a group of "popular girls" at school who were quite awful. I've always kept a group of close reliable friends around me and have a similar stroke policy if I see bullying. Ugh those girls all live in hometown now and worse is everyone there now thinks they're great, "they all stayed and had kids", they're seen as loyal to the area and "classy". Fuck that. Bumped into two a few years ago and they really weirdly tried to be bitchy to my face, I just looked at them like "eh?" and responded in a grown up manner. It did hurt that they're essentially still bitches, and bitches to me

Notmyrealname85 · 07/05/2017 12:12

Strike policy!!

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 12:12

It depends. The girl who was the ring leader who bullied me was in care and was also a victim of bullying.
Sometimes victims can become bullies.

justkeepswimmingg · 07/05/2017 12:48

I was slightly bullied at school, by my 'friends'. They'd say things about how I looked, although now I know that they were just being spiteful and that I don't look abnormal! Found out one of their boyfriends had a thing for me, and we're obviously jealous so felt belittling me would be a good idea.
Yes it has made me more self conscious, but I do not show that I have low self esteem. If I were to witness a person acting the way this man you describe is acting, I would for sure say something. I don't let others be a victim of bullying, after knowing the effects first hand, and I certainly wouldn't go through it again.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2017 13:13

I think previous posters are right, and this man was a bully at school, not the victim of bullying.

I was bullied at school, and it has made me more sensitive and kind towards other people, not less. It certainly hasn't turned me into a bully.

Original poster
SmhShakingMyHead · 07/05/2017 14:07

If you met him then you would know that he would have been very different to the ordinary back in school. I highly doubt he was a bully.

But I was discussing different types of behaviour that stem from your childhood. Not discussing whether this man was the bully or the bullied.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 07/05/2017 14:10

Weren't you? Confused

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/05/2017 15:59

Well - you didn't actually ask any question in your OP, @SmhShakingMyHead - and the point that sprang out most clearly to me was your colleague saying that the man's behaviour must stem from being bullied as a child - hence my post (and others, I assume).

Nowhere in your post is it clearly stated that you wish to discuss different types of behaviour stemming from childhood more widely than discussing if bullied children become bullies as adults.

OhMrBadger · 07/05/2017 16:07

I was bullied. As a young adult I tended to assume that people wouldn't like me and so I was generally quite defensive and probably quite bitchy. A sort of 'get in first' mentality.

These days I am much more confident and sure of myself but I still tend to withdraw in group situations and assume that people won't be interested in what I have to say. I also notice that I can dominate one to one conversations but I don't really know why.

I cannot abide bullying and when DC started school my bully-dar was on overdrive!

zukiecat · 07/05/2017 16:14

I was bullied terribly at school, by my mother and later by XH

It's made me massively insecure, shy, left me with zero self esteem or confidence

I still feel that people at work just put up with me, that they can't possibly like me, they're just saying they do

I'm never nasty or horrible to anyone, that is just unthinkable and totally against my nature

Years of therapy and counselling have not changed my opinion of myself

bookwormnerd · 07/05/2017 16:16

I was bullied, I am very shy, find it hard to let guard down due to I instantly assume people dislike me and think im ugly. I have very low self esteme and find socialising very difficult. I go out of the way to be nice to others to point of being door mat. I will stick up for others though wont stick up for self. I am very protective of my children so when daughter was having problems at school i went strait in where as that was something my parents did not do. Some people arnt nice and to be honest I dont think if you were bullied its any excuse to be mean especially when you know what it feels like. I supose some people do it to try fit in, I couldent bring myself to be mean to others

TheNiffler · 07/05/2017 16:22

I was v badly bullied at home and school. I keep myself to myself, don't trust anyone, and run if anyone tries to get close - both in RL and online. I've been burnt badly in the past, and just don't risk it any more.

I also highly doubt he was the victim.

TheNiffler · 07/05/2017 16:23

hello lovely

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