Mil why are you so obsessed?

[wakkapaca]

I met my mil and bil yesterday for the afternoon my oh was at work. Bil doesn't live locally and he came to visit for the day and due to plans it would be the only chance he would get to see my dd his dn.

The whole time mil was obsessed with asking bil who he thought my dd looked like and kept on insisting she looks nothing like
Me and my family my dd actually looks a lot like my dad but I agree she doesn't look like me really I'm dark and she is very fair. After listening to nearly 2 hours of her going on eventually I got a snappy and said I think my dd looks like herself. Mil was dying for us all to say that my dd looks like her she's tried to push this on me in the past by saying that her DP thinks that. If it were true I would say but it's really not.

She then started going on saying my daughter thinks her name is actually the nick name me and her dad have for her I said no she responds to both names we are careful to use her real name as well. This one didn't overly annoy me but she always got to be making some comment about what me and my DP do with our dd.

We were having a coffee and she knows my dd is going through a particularly clingy stage at the moment and she grabbed dd out of my arms (dd is only 11 months) dd immediately started to protest she was arching her back, crying and reaching out for me I put my arms out for her and mil bat my hand away. I found it hard to keep calm with her my dd hates going to her and I think it's because she knows when she wants to come back to me or her dad mil won't pass her back we have to practically wrestle our own child off of her because she's crying so much.

In the end I got my dd back from her and calmed her down I then put her back in her push chair and gave her some snacks mil rolled her eyes the entire time. I was so annoyed I messed up my entire day to meet them I didn't have to but I wouldn't do that to my bil he deserves to see his niece but mil just made it unbearable.

I recently had strong words with her and told her that some of her behaviour was very unwelcome and that she makes me feel uncomfortable she apologised and it stopped but it's like because her other son was there she felt like she could act like that. She doesn't have a huge part in dds life as she is often busy and doesn't come round or meet up often I don't call on her to babysit very often either because a) we don't go out very often b) she has an issue with her leg which makes it hard for her. I do regularly invite her round but she just doesn't come so to me I feel like she was trying to big herself up as the doting grandma and act like she knows loads about dd when the truth is she isn't the doting grandma and she really doesn't know much about her at all.

We bumped into two of my friends in the town centre who she has never met before they both instantly said oh you must
Be wakkas DP mum she was quite cold with them she doesn't like the one of them who is actually a relative of mine because I do call on this person to babysit and I babysit her child. They then turned to bil and said you must be wakkas DP brother mil immediately jumped in and started going on about how bil is the better of the brothers and really running my DP into the ground in front of my friends. My friends could see I almost had steam coming out of my ears so they invited me to join them for the rest of the day. I said my goodbye to mil and bil right there and I left with my friends and dd and we went for a coffee and a mega bitch session.

Would i be being unreasonable to remind her of our chat we had a short while ago and tell her how unhappy I am with her behaviour again? I know she was showing off and excited to be seeing her son who she doesn't see often but still. Also the running DP down in front of my friends was uncalled for in my opinion both her sons though very different are good well rounded men they both work and always have and they have always treated her respectfully.

I don't bitch about mil to my DP I have told him in the past when her behaviour has been really bad and he's agreed with me but I feel since I am the one with the issue with her it should be me who sorts it out I don't like hiding behind DP and getting him to do the dirty work. Last time I was as nice as I could be about it and although I was firm I was understanding and I also pointed out the things I really love about her so she didn't feel like she was just receiving one big slating.

To be clear I don't want to start some huge mil bashing thread I do love this woman a lot she's a hoot but her behaviour regarding my dd is quite full on and unwarranted nobody else behaves this way.

The batting your hand away would have been the decider for me. Before the DP bashing.
I'd probably use stronger words even if you love her a lot. She's her grandmother, nit her mother.

Both of my ds's are dh's doubles...which I actually quite like, I'm not generally that bothered that neither look like me.

But MIL does love to rub it in, constantly, and go on about the fact that you'd never even know I was related to them, there's so much more of dh, his brother and her in them (she's right there is...but I don't need it pointing out every visit!). She pushes my patience with comments along the lines of 'I bet if we're out people think they're my dc rather than yours'. Mm, except you're twenty years too old to have dc these ages MIL (I've never said it but I've come close!).

I'm 39w with dc3 and I really hope he's my bloody double just so I can finally rub it in back about how there's no resemblance to her!

Anyway yanbu op...and her running your dh down, especially in front of others, is something I wouldn't stand for at all.

Omg! That reminded me I don't want to drip Feed but this one is a classsiicc!

We got her a purse for her birthday in it there's a big clear bit for a photo and in it she has a picture of my dd when she was born. She told me yesterday that whenever she opens her purse to pay the person behind the till always comments and tells her what a beautiful daughter she has. She said she tells them she wishes she was hers but it's her granddaughter!

That comment made me feel very uneasy! Sorry for the drip feed but I had totally forgot! I'm laughing now!

OK, from now on don't see MIL without DH present. Just do not do it.

Why couldn't you see BIL without MIL?

I wouldn't bother confronting her again, she will just cry to DH and you will look like the bad guy. Just minimise contact, let DH take up all the slack. If he isn't bothered then why should you be? It doesn't sound like MIL is going to be a positive role model for her to be around. She plays favourites with her own children FFS.

As he was only here for the day mil wanted to spend the whole day with him I don't have an issue that she was there I don't know bil that well as I haven't spent a lot of time with him so it might of been a bit awkward for me and bil had she not of been there.

When she batted your hand away, I would have just said sternly, She wants to come to me, release your grip please. Sounds like she was trying to big up her involvement with her granddaughter to her son. I'm a bit confused why an uncle would be so keen to see a niece....ie enough to change plans etc....but I guess I'm not used to that in my family.

I think you did enough when you left them for your friends after agreeing to spend the day together.

Everyone told me constantly for the first year that DS was DH's double and looked nothing like me. His family never shut up about it, despite the fact that DS and I share some very specific facial characteristics (dimples). Now DS is nearly two he looks just like me and they are being forced to admit it! Some families just have this proprietorial thing about kids looking like 'their' side, when it doesn't actually matter.

On the other stuff, I would try to avoid socialising with her without your DP. You can see BIL with her being there if he wants to see DD. I get on well enough with my MIL but spend hardly any time with her alone and would never go for coffee or anything with her. Yours sounds awful so I would take a step back.

They were going out in the evening all together including my DP. I went home with dd as she has a bed time and a routine I wasn't invited out with them and today bil is watching the football with mil and her DP and then heading back home.

I very much doubt people behind the till would see a picture in her purse or even comment about it. More likely she has shown it off. Does she look young enough to be a mum, rather than a Grandma?

Without her being there, not with!

I wonder why it's such a thing for them I don't really mind that dd doesn't look like me I think she looks a lot like her dad and there's defiantly a bit of my dad there Aswell my dad never mentions it at all but she does constantly.

I'm still laughing about the purse thing! I made this sound when she said it that I have never made or heard anyone make before it wasn't discreet but I done it before I even thought it was just an instant reaction

No although she looks great for her age she defiantly looks more like a gm

It's really annoying when ILs go on and on about the baby looking like them and nothing like the mum/mum's family. It's like they want to pretend you don't exist.

Best imo if you don't see them without dp and stop chasing the relationship. You did the right thing in telling her that she was pissing you off and in leaving when she staryed bitching about your dp.

She sounds horrid.
I would only see her when you DH is around and if she mentions anything or tried to challenge you just say
"we discussed how you behave around me and yet you continued to try to humiliate me in front of BIL and my friends. I won't accept you treating me like this, not only do I not like it, it sets a terrible example to my daughter. As a result neither me nor your granddaughter will be spending time with you going forward. There will be no discussion of this matter."

She puts the tears on quite a lot which makes it really hard for us and because DP works a lot I try and be accommodating to her. When she does come she turns up right on dds bed time then gets upset when I put her to bed I've told her loads of times to come over earlier. Yes she was trying to big up her involvement.

She's even told me in the past she doesn't tell her other son she doesn't babysit because she's embarrassed that she doesn't get asked and bil would not like me very much if he knew that. I've explained loads of times the reason why I don't always call on her to babysit. She has had her before but mil doesn't listen to anything I say and the entire time I was gone she sent me photos of dd smiling saying she doesn't miss you at all I think she wants to stay with me. She told me and DP she was turning her spare room into a bedroom for dd specially I immediately put a stop to it.

I think she feels if she doesn't get to see dd on her own without me or DP then that time doesn't count

My response to the "oh they look just like our side of the family" would be that it's very lucky because it means that the DNA from our side of the family will be having more influence on the brains and personality!

Fortunately my in laws are very nice and polite so I've never needed to use it.

When she batted your hand away I'd have firmly said that my daughter wants to come to me and batted MIL's hand away. Is she normally so insecure?

Sounds like my XP's mother. She would go on and on and on about stuff. Lots of inappropriate comments and little digs at me. XP then used to say his XW was much better at dealing with her!

I would minimise contact. Just see her when you really have to.

I have no idea how some women become attention seeking childish idiots as they get older. It's certainly not attractive.

Keira's response is good, though if you make it then ensure DP is in on it and up to speed so that he can give the correct response when she later tries to paint you as the bad guy.

Batting my hand away when I reached out to take back MY crying baby would have elicited an immediate and very sharp response from me. Luckily my MIL, although I am sure she would have had plenty to say about me behind my back, wasn't like that. Nor were my parents.

I think you did the right thing going off with your friends. The message there would be loud and clear to any normal person, though maybe your MIL will still choose to ignore it. She sounds like the sort.

Koka, thank you! I will defiantly use that when when the opportunity next presents itself!

Yes sadly she is. She's even left my house in a mood before because she was playing happily with dd but she started getting tired and cranky and wanted to come over to me for a cuddle and a nap mil got up in a mood as said she may as well go them and then commented on how clingy she is. So many people have told her that it's normal for babies and young children to want their parents but she doesn't see why dd should want me. It even comes down to the really petty things like on Facebook she loves all the photos of dd on her own or with with my
DP but if my DP puts a photo of me and my daughter she won't even acknowledge it. It's all become a bit nuts.

Ignore the tears. She doesn't give a shit about your feelings, why worry so much about hers?
If she doesn't spend much time with dd, then it is all down to her own behaviour. She is treating you like an incubator and essentially denying the most important relationship that your baby has. Of course that is going to alienate you and then she is using tears to manipulate you.
Stop getting sucked in. The way to do 8t is to refuse to see her alone and everytime the baby wants you, you take the baby back.

My mum does the whole ''she looks like our side of the family'' she then goes on about how DD has 'her maiden name' genes because she divorced!

When DD was born she clearly looked like me but now resembles her dad quite a bit so its becoming more and more odd.

Just wanted to point out i dont think this is a MIL thing and whenbmy mum does it in front of DP i clearly point out the lunacy of this and i hope your OH does the same.

Just as an aside - I work in a shop and, when people open their purses and wallets it's VERY visible when they have a photo in the plastic bit. I often comment on pictures (if it's a dog or something - I don't comment on pictures of children, it may be a child who died or something, so I just don't go there).