Mil why are you so obsessed?

[wakkapaca]

I met my mil and bil yesterday for the afternoon my oh was at work. Bil doesn't live locally and he came to visit for the day and due to plans it would be the only chance he would get to see my dd his dn.

The whole time mil was obsessed with asking bil who he thought my dd looked like and kept on insisting she looks nothing like
Me and my family my dd actually looks a lot like my dad but I agree she doesn't look like me really I'm dark and she is very fair. After listening to nearly 2 hours of her going on eventually I got a snappy and said I think my dd looks like herself. Mil was dying for us all to say that my dd looks like her she's tried to push this on me in the past by saying that her DP thinks that. If it were true I would say but it's really not.

She then started going on saying my daughter thinks her name is actually the nick name me and her dad have for her I said no she responds to both names we are careful to use her real name as well. This one didn't overly annoy me but she always got to be making some comment about what me and my DP do with our dd.

We were having a coffee and she knows my dd is going through a particularly clingy stage at the moment and she grabbed dd out of my arms (dd is only 11 months) dd immediately started to protest she was arching her back, crying and reaching out for me I put my arms out for her and mil bat my hand away. I found it hard to keep calm with her my dd hates going to her and I think it's because she knows when she wants to come back to me or her dad mil won't pass her back we have to practically wrestle our own child off of her because she's crying so much.

In the end I got my dd back from her and calmed her down I then put her back in her push chair and gave her some snacks mil rolled her eyes the entire time. I was so annoyed I messed up my entire day to meet them I didn't have to but I wouldn't do that to my bil he deserves to see his niece but mil just made it unbearable.

I recently had strong words with her and told her that some of her behaviour was very unwelcome and that she makes me feel uncomfortable she apologised and it stopped but it's like because her other son was there she felt like she could act like that. She doesn't have a huge part in dds life as she is often busy and doesn't come round or meet up often I don't call on her to babysit very often either because a) we don't go out very often b) she has an issue with her leg which makes it hard for her. I do regularly invite her round but she just doesn't come so to me I feel like she was trying to big herself up as the doting grandma and act like she knows loads about dd when the truth is she isn't the doting grandma and she really doesn't know much about her at all.

We bumped into two of my friends in the town centre who she has never met before they both instantly said oh you must
Be wakkas DP mum she was quite cold with them she doesn't like the one of them who is actually a relative of mine because I do call on this person to babysit and I babysit her child. They then turned to bil and said you must be wakkas DP brother mil immediately jumped in and started going on about how bil is the better of the brothers and really running my DP into the ground in front of my friends. My friends could see I almost had steam coming out of my ears so they invited me to join them for the rest of the day. I said my goodbye to mil and bil right there and I left with my friends and dd and we went for a coffee and a mega bitch session.

Would i be being unreasonable to remind her of our chat we had a short while ago and tell her how unhappy I am with her behaviour again? I know she was showing off and excited to be seeing her son who she doesn't see often but still. Also the running DP down in front of my friends was uncalled for in my opinion both her sons though very different are good well rounded men they both work and always have and they have always treated her respectfully.

I don't bitch about mil to my DP I have told him in the past when her behaviour has been really bad and he's agreed with me but I feel since I am the one with the issue with her it should be me who sorts it out I don't like hiding behind DP and getting him to do the dirty work. Last time I was as nice as I could be about it and although I was firm I was understanding and I also pointed out the things I really love about her so she didn't feel like she was just receiving one big slating.

Hi OP, been reading through your thread and sympathising heartily. I had similar issues, mil would walk all over me. I didn't deal with it well and the resentment I felt ended up with me exploding. I get the photos thing lol. Be firm now, I know it's really hard, that way you may avoid what I did!

Oh what a nightmare. Mine is similar, I fully sympathise.

Could it be a gender thing, ie she always wanted a girl and has her two sons, or maybe even lost a dd? Not to excuse, but this is in part the explanation for my MIL and it does help me to have a bit more patience.

Definitely avoid a situation like this again. She was showing off to her ds what a great not GM she is. If it happens again that dd is crying for you just take her back with a firm, 'did is a baby and crying for me, it's just a phase but she needs me right now.'

You did exactly the right thing by dumping her in town. That but makes her sound quite mad. Is there any chance it was supposed to be lighthearted and a jokey sort of exchange?

My mother went through a phase of calling my dd "little dh", which eff'd me off no end. It didn't last thank goodness. She's a narcissist.

Your mil doesn't care about your feelings. The water works is pure manipulation. From what you've said, I think she didn't have a girl and desperately wanted one so she's trying to play mum to yours. It's all going to end in tears. Just please make sure they're her tears, not dds or yours.

Reminds me of when DS was born. His eyes were blatantly more brown. Myself and most of my family have brown eyes. Dh side blue. Mil kept insisting DS eyes were turning bluer till he was about 12 months old!
Tbh honest my mil who I always thought of as lovely went a bit crackers when kids were born. Calling herself Mum a few times and becoming possessive of them. It was obvious she loved doing stuff more with kids without me or just Dp. I think she still does but it doesn't bother me anymore. When DS in particular was a baby she would go on and on about how he seemed to always want his Daddy over me. I had post natal depression so it really used to upset me. We did fall out a few times but 10 years on she's returned to reasonable normality again and the relationship she has made the effort to develop with the kids is priceless. I'm glad I didn't let the weird insensitive behaviour drive a permanent wedge between us.
As annoying as it may be try not to dwell on little comments and stuff like that. If you think a relationship with her is something that will be positive in your DC life try to rise above it. If you genuinely think it will have a negative effect then you maybe keep her at arms length?

It does make me really uncomfortable when she says she wishes dd was hers I've secretly wanted to say she can't come near her anymore but I understand that's unreasonable and I wouldn't do that just wish the comments would stop

Right now, I don't think having a break from your mil is unreasonable. Her behaviour was disgusting. I would be limiting contact with her. Your dd obviously finds her distressing and I wouldn't be seeing mil without your dh present.

Woah...
Just read your other posts. Not sure if I missed this but does she only have sons? Is this her ham fisted approach at trying to recreate having a daughter? That's so unbelievably weird.

Ah sorry, cross post with Alex

I don't know if it is or not I do feel like she tries to someone's distance me as the mother I don't know why she does that though maybe she did always want a daughter, either way she should respect that she is not my dds mum

Completely agree with you OP. She sounds nuts.

It does make me really uncomfortable when she says she wishes dd was hers

I'm not surprised...I think it's a natural protective instinct.

My MIL never openly came out and said that but she had a habit of always referring to 'MY beautiful boy' 'MY handsome lad' when the dc were babies and it made me want to snatch them away and run every time or shout 'he's OURS and NOT yours' at her (I never did).

She still does it now and it irritates me every time...but the dc are much older and not particularly. close to her so I can deal with it better.

Yes she should respect you as the mother. But she clearly isn't going to. So you have to deal with the reality of the situation. Protect protect protect.

I do sometimes feel like I'm being unfair on her my dad is very close to my dd and quite possessive over here but they have an amazing bond my dd loves him she cries to go to him and just loves to climb all over him but he's very natural with her and he always says things like you and dp are doing a great job and tells dd go to mummy now or go to daddy whereas mil will never do that she gets angry when dd doesn't want her my dad laughs it off when dd doesn't want to know him he just says oh don't like grandad today then then he waits to see if she will warm up after but mil will leave almost straight away if dd doesn't leep on her the second she comes through the door.

When my dad plays with her it's really cute when she plays with her im on edge and she's not natural with her. Mil always wants her to lay down on top of her and to to sleep and stuff my baby doesn't really do that with anyone.

When dd was first born I remember mil was holding her and as all new horns so she started rooting for a breast (I was breast feeding at the time) mil was delighted she even let her suck on her too I remember feeling physically sick and disgusted with mil that day.

As all new borns do*

she even let her suck on her too

Please say you don't mean her breast?

Nooooo sorry I meant her top but around the chest area

Thank God for that!

The only time I've laid down the law to my MIL is when she babysat ds1 for a couple of hours when he was about 8 weeks. I came back earlier than expected and she was sitting with her top off (in her bra) with ds sleeping on her chest...and told me she was having skin to skin time with ds to help bonding.

The only result from that is that she didn't babysit ds1 again until he was much older, was never left with ds2 as a baby and the same will apply to dc3 when they arrive.

OP...I had this for years with MIL..She would constantly go on and on about how much DS looked like DH and had his big blue eyes and blond hair...no aknowledgement that had them too. She would wax lyrically about his 'fathers' blue eyes then look at me and say "but he has your nose". She would also do it in front of my DP's which pissed them off. Eventually my Mum found a photo of DB at the same age and they were identical. DH got in a momentary huff about this until I pulled him up that we had had to put up with his Mother wittering for years...

Anyway, cue 20 years later DS1's father has died and I have DS2. They are the spitting imagine of each other and you wouldn't know they have different fathers....wonder where their looks come from

Omg secret! How are you not in prison for murder? My mil tried all this shit when dd was new born that shit didn't fly with me at all I threw a huge fit sorry for the language but I went fucking mental

I felt a little bit sorry for your Mil and thought it was sweet she wanted your baby to have her own room.

Then I read about your daughter trying to latch on and her letting her [shock

Completely on your side!!!

OP YANBU. She sounds bonkers and I would be avoiding her.

SecretNetter what's wrong with your MIL doing skin to skin? Your baby was 8 weeks old which is still tiny, skin to skin is very comforting for them, especially on a chest because they can hear your heartbeat. I think I'd just be happy that the baby was being comforted and was settled.

But Cheby....it's not the parents chest....I wouldn't want my mil doing it, or my Mum. Just feels wrong.

And it wasn't just skin to skin, the baby was sucking. Totally inappropriate.

That behaviour would really piss me off and I would go apeshit at the slapping had away thing.

DH's GM, when DS was first born would constantly say to him 'where on earth do you get all of that dark hair from? Where? I can't believe it! Everyone in our family is blonde!' It took all of my will power not to scream in her face 'DO YOU PERHAPS FUCKING THINK HE MIGHT HAVE FUCKING GOT IT FROM HIS FUCKING DARK HAIRED MOTHER?!'

At 18 months little sod's turned blonde now