Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just silently walk off..

33 replies

strugglinghuman · 07/05/2017 02:37

OH is afflicted by martyrdom. Every day I hear at least once how hard OH's life is, and everything OH does for their family is seen as currency in some kind of petty power game I'm not interested in. What has made it a bit worse over the years is that we live near OHs family only, and they seem to play into the pettiness.

I'm reasonably sure I have not been doing anything seriously wrong over the years that would justify my sainted spouse's feelings of persecution, but I kinda might have started to now, as if anything that made me deserve it, would actually make it more tolerable.

Recently I have realised an even better way of dealing with it is I can just exit the conversation right there the second it starts and do something else, and be happy.

Is this a terrible thing to do? It's been quite a few years so it's not like I'm going to fix it by talking about it, and I'm devoid of sympathy for DP''s plight so what's to discuss? It seems super PA and checkouty.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 02:40

A bit more information about why your partner feels that way would help.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 02:52

I do exactly the same, hubby has a martyr complex, oh my life is so hard, I have to commute, work, cook my dinner and wash up. I used to say well no one is asking you to do all the chores, both DC would love to help, I could try and do some of it. The answer was always, I'd rather it get done properly.

It's not the most horrid form of gas lighting, but I believe it to be a form of gas lighting to make you feel like you're failing and not a good companion.

If I think about it, the more I ignored it, the less frequent it happens. It used to be 'eek' hubby is due home, got an hour of woe is me ahead. So I just removed myself from the conversation. Later in the night I'll say how was work, by that point he's not as Whitney, I don't get much of a response at all.

FlowersCakeBrew

user1477249785 · 07/05/2017 02:54

I don't like it when posters deliberately obscure the gender of their partner. It somehow feels a bit manipulative - and I get that you may want unbiased responses but it still feels odd.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 02:55

Sorry whiney not Whitney Grin

Trifle - where have you been hiding. Not seen you in ages. Is DC ok?

If they're moaning about cleaning OP say the toys are out, or something is out of place, maybe joke you'd hate it at 'random school Mums name,' this is a palace compared to hers.

I've got to say hubby's beliefs about housekeeping has sort of trained me a bit. Both kids bedrooms are always immaculate, where growing up, I knew where everything was, but it was a bomb site. GrinBlush

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 02:58

MissEDashwood

Thank you, she is snoozing next to me right now! Busy, busy Grin

steff13 · 07/05/2017 03:08

I don't like it when posters deliberately obscure the gender of their partner.

I think it's because the person is basically saying they want MN's opinion while simultaneously saying they don't really trust that the opinion will be unbiased.

steff13 · 07/05/2017 03:08

So, sort of asking for your help and insulting you at the same time.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:09

I've named changed loads as I can't decide on a decent name, not that I expect anyone knows who E Dashwood is. (We had quite a conversation about disabled bus spots Grin) Hope she's ok, it goes so quick. I've got summer babies, so people I was pg with are having birthdays, it's shocking how quick it goes. Flowers

Sorry to go off topic a minute OP.

Are you due back at work soon, she must be nearing 6 months.

OP - Do you consider it gas lighting or does he just like to moan. Flowers

Trifleorbust · 07/05/2017 03:16

I am back at work, E(leanor)! Going well so far.

Sorry for the derail, OP Cake

EBearhug · 07/05/2017 03:18

not that I expect anyone knows who E Dashwood is.

Is it not an Austen reference, then?

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:22

Cool you do know (sorry OP) I'm just at the point where Marianne is in a bad mood that Willoughby has gone. I think the guy that Eleanor liked, has just turned up.

Hope you're getting on OK at school. Do you teach English / English Lit? I really want to do some voluntary type stuff, making resources for SEN kids. I'll have to go on the Laptop and message you, see if I can cut down your workload helping with materials. Tried at the schools DC are at, they're more interesting in you physically being there which I can't do.

Sorry again OP, here's more cake Cake

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 07/05/2017 03:24

I thought it was the character in Sense and Sensibility?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/05/2017 03:31

Guys come on, take it off thread.

OP I think that is a very effective way of dealing with it! When DD was little and had her tantrums, I would walk off and say "hmm, wouldn't it be nice to talk to a girl who wasn't crying and carrying on" - worked very well!

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 07/05/2017 03:33

Sorry but it is very PA and disrespectful

melj1213 · 07/05/2017 03:37

If I'm ever in one of those conversations I either walk away or confront them ... so once you've heard the latest tale of woe I listen then say "So what are you going to do about it?" If the answer was any variation of "Nothing" then my response is "Then there's no need to discuss it ... anyway the cat's on fire so I'm going now"

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:37

Sorry I did apologise, I did give advice that I think it's pretty much a form of gas lighting, ignoring it is 100% the way to deal with it.

Does he have any other behaviours that are bothersome? For example could he be a bit autistic or have OCD? I say that as such persons see the world differently.

Again OP I'm really sorry for going off topic.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 07/05/2017 03:40

I meant that the OP walking off is disrespectful not your chat MissE

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/05/2017 03:44

MissEDashwood I have just re-read your posts and agree esp about the gaslighting.

myvoiceitmadeanavalanche · 07/05/2017 03:45

OP, I think if you need to walk away in order to avoid doing whatever it is you have started to do that 'justifies' the martyrdom, then yes I'd do that. Because otherwise you are of course a part of the problem - your behaviour is your responsibility, regardless of the other person's actions.

And seriously, EDashwood?!? Why on earth would you think nobody would recognise one of the most famous protagonists in British literature?

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:50

I think maybe being silent and not acknowledging is the first step, the second is saying I can't deal with this, then walk away. I think it definitely fits in with either gas lighting, or perhaps OCD/ASD. OP knows him better than us.

Are there any recurring topics.

Sorry to PP for crossed wires.

Allington · 07/05/2017 04:37

When DD is getting over dramatic I sometimes become over sympathetic - depends whether your OH has a sense if humour, but DD knows she's being a drama queen and usually gets the giggles.

If not then saying 'oh dear' and walking away, or just walking away, are excellent options.

You could always do the 'starving children in Africa' conversation and point out how lucky you all are...

FrenchLavender · 07/05/2017 05:07

I can just exit the conversation right there the minute it starts

You could do that, yes. But given you say your partner has been banging this same drum for years and you have no sympathy for them, if you just start stonewalling and refuse to discuss what to them are real and serious issues, then they may well just leave you.

I suppose it really depends on how much you care about the prospect of that. I always think in situations like this it doesn't actually matter whether the complaining party has a good point or not. They think they do, and they are entitled to act on it. It's not about absolute truths or right versus wrong, it's about being mismatched in expectations.

It comes down to how much you want to work to keep the relationship in the end. You don't sound like you want to work or compromise to keep it at all, but neither do you sound bothered enough by your partner's unreasonableness to act on it by walking away yourself.

tillytown · 07/05/2017 05:28

You clearly don't like your wife, so why are you still in the relationship?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/05/2017 05:38

Being around a martyr is very draining. These are their demons to deal with, not yours. If you can't handle their behaviour, I see nothing wrong with walking off.

Blinkyblink · 07/05/2017 06:29

I continue to be amazed how awful some people's marriages are and yet they grit their teeth and stick with it. Why? One crack at life and this sounds like you're living with someone you despise.