To just silently walk off..

[strugglinghuman]

OH is afflicted by martyrdom. Every day I hear at least once how hard OH's life is, and everything OH does for their family is seen as currency in some kind of petty power game I'm not interested in. What has made it a bit worse over the years is that we live near OHs family only, and they seem to play into the pettiness.

I'm reasonably sure I have not been doing anything seriously wrong over the years that would justify my sainted spouse's feelings of persecution, but I kinda might have started to now, as if anything that made me deserve it, would actually make it more tolerable.

Recently I have realised an even better way of dealing with it is I can just exit the conversation right there the second it starts and do something else, and be happy.

Is this a terrible thing to do? It's been quite a few years so it's not like I'm going to fix it by talking about it, and I'm devoid of sympathy for DP''s plight so what's to discuss? It seems super PA and checkouty.

This is one of those threads where you really need to hear the other side. This poster's partner could be telling a completely different story of having zero emotional or practical support and having to live and co-parent with a selfish lazy person who makes no effort to share any of the day to day burdens or responsibilities. Without knowing a bit more about the nature of this alleged martyrdom we couldn't possibly comment on who is being most unreasonable here, but if you are making one another that unhappy then one of you has to be prepared to make some changes in your behaviour or just leave.

I continue to be amazed how awful some people's marriages are and yet they grit their teeth and stick with it. Why? One crack at life and this sounds like you're living with someone you despise.

I agree, blinky it seems nonsensical to pre-plan a PA walk off, all ready for the next time the OH commits the misdemeanour. Why not try to resolve the matter head-on, if their tales of woe get on your nerves so much. How is walking off going to solve anything?

If it gets to the stage where you lose that much respect for who they are as a person, is curtains for the relationship.

People choose one of two ways to resolve conflict "Silence or Violence" - they either shout and scream and get upset, or they sulk and walk off in a huff. Better to discuss and move things forward or het the hell out.

I do this ignore or just walk away. My now dh is a dreadful martyr. Tbf he does have a bad ankle but it's much better if he does his exercises, which he doesn't and nagging him too both bores and irritates me. I was a single parent for 15 years and managed to just get on with things. I have had two major operations in the last 5 years which have left me in a lot of pai and he has been a bit shit so my early empathy has dissipated. Competitive whining and competitive tiredness bore and irritate me so I either say "you win" or walk away. I think a lot of his whining is just that whining, ignore, ignore,ignore.

Slightly paranoid the op is my dh! OP what you are describing is a bit like where me and dh are but the other way round- I don't go on about things being oh so hard etc but he has accused me of martyrdom and said he thinks I do go on at him to do things and says what he does is never enough. He also stonewalls now when I ask him to do something. Does this sound familiar?

I would suggest you take an honest look at the balance in both your lives. Are things really equal between you in terms of the contribution you both make to day to day life or is your OH doing more which is causing resentment? Could you try sitting down and try having an open conversation about why they feel the way they do and be prepared to hear their perspective and share yours?

Walking away etc will further erode what sounds like an already detailed partnership (saying this from experience too), if you want to be in a happier place with each other you need to deal with each others feelings about this not walk away from them.

Yep just block it out, make a listening noise and nod your head while moving on to do something else. It is so draining and listening to them seems to validate their martyrdom. However be prepared, that your not listening to them, will be another cross for them to bear.

Why do people stay married to partners they have zero respect for?

Best to leave.

If that's aimed at me or posters who have expressed simiiar sentiments, give your head a wobble Monkey. I have tons of respect t for my dh, he works hard has a great sense of humour is a fantastic dad he's also exceptionally good looking. Having one minor personality flaw that I deal with by ignoring him doesn't mean I don't respect him it means I recognise his faults and love him anyway. That's a real marriage not a reason leaving someone.

Thank you for all of your posts! You've given me plenty to think on.

As much as I knew I needed to hear that I might be being unreasonable (I mean I basically asked for that) it is nice to know that you're not alone sometimes as well.

I was a bit surprised at it coming off like zero respect - sometimes confrontation doesn't resolve anything, especially if it's about something where the conversation gets fundamentally unreasonable fast, and you've had every permutation of that conversation before, and nobody ever feels better afterwards. I don't think it necessarily signifies contempt to nip nonsense in the bud... but an eye opener to see that others view it that way.

Thank you