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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Be Really Pissed off With my mum

32 replies

helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:21

So this is the scenario. My mum comes over at 4.30pm tonight, ds2 and dd eating tea. Ds1 still at school doing piano lessons. I go out to collect ds1 come back give tea bath all three sort pj's etc as I had to go back out to parents evening for ds1 and ds2.

I left the house at 5.45 and got back at 6.45. As soon as I walked through the door I knew everyone was not happy.

The boys ran up to me saying "nanny has been shouting all the time" and dd who is 21 months looked a bit upset as well.

I said to mum what is the matter, she then said "she has been fine, them two have been horrendous, I have had enough of them im going and left the house shutting the door"

Now ds2 gets very upset if he dosent get a kiss and cuddle so he was very upset asking for a kiss and cuddle so I openened the door and said "mum, come and give ds2 a kiss please", she said "no way, I have had enough of them", ds2 now inconsolable hyperventilating for a kiss and cuddle, which deeply upset me. So I said "aw come on mum you know he loves a kiss and cuddle he is only 4, they are only kids" she then reitterated what she had already said. So I shouted at her, which I know I shouldnt "well dont bother looking after them anymore if you feel like that" and shut the door.

Now, if i took advantage of her I could understand but I do everything myself, as dh works long hours, mil dosent "do babysitting" so mum helps out now and again for an hour here and there not even once a week as she works full time.

I have tried phoning her but she is not answering my call.

What do you think? How would you feel? Asked the boys if they had been naughty, I think they wear just playing as boys do with one another. Oh, ds2 normally goes to bed early so I had said to him nanny will put to bed, so why was he still up??

Sorry for the length

OP posts:
Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:22

bump

OP posts:
emkana · 13/03/2007 21:26

You are impatient bumping after less than a minute!

The way you describe it I would be upset with your mum as well.

snowleopard · 13/03/2007 21:26

Sorry no experience of this myself as we have no grandparents nearby, but it sounds as if she doesn't have a very good relationship with them and she's being childish. NBU!

Soapbox · 13/03/2007 21:27

I think it sounds as if she couldn't cope. Perhaps working full time then looking after them was just too much for her this time.

Maybe the children had had a bad day and played her up badly and she lost control.

Maybe there is something going on at home or at work which is upsetting her and this was just a knock on thing.

I think without talking it through with her you won't know exactly what happened. In any event, I would definitely not leave them with her again in a hurry!

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:29

sorry for being so impatient but i am so upset. My mum is the one person after myself and dh that kids are always asking after and she comes over a couple of times a week to see us. Like I said I never take advantage asking her to look after them all the time just the odd time like tonight.

The kids were so upset. What would you do, she wont answer the phone should I email her or just leave it until she phones me

OP posts:
Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:29

sorry for being so impatient but i am so upset. My mum is the one person after myself and dh that kids are always asking after and she comes over a couple of times a week to see us. Like I said I never take advantage asking her to look after them all the time just the odd time like tonight.

The kids were so upset. What would you do, she wont answer the phone should I email her or just leave it until she phones me

OP posts:
cazza6 · 13/03/2007 21:37

I think something else is up with your mum that has nothing to do with you or your kids. Maybe something happened at work and she felt undervalued and it just rubbed off on her when she came to help out. Give her the benefit of the doubt and don't be too hard on her. She'll probably ring later on tonight but if not keep perservering with the calls or even go and see her in her lunchhour tomorrow. She'll appreciate your concern. Sounds to me like she dotes on your kids and vice versa.

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:40

thanks cazza, i hate myself for shouting after her, but seeing ds2 sobbing because he wanted a kiss broke my heart.

I think she is prob stressed with work, but I am going to say to her that for a while she can leave looking after them, not that she does on a regular basis anyway.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 13/03/2007 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 13/03/2007 21:41

Parents, eh? Who'd have them?

You did the best you could, you thought you could rely on your mum, and she wouldn't even let you know what had upset her. The children are so young that whatever they did, it can't be their fault.

Could your mum be going through the menopause or have some other health problem do you think?

I must say that working all day and then looking after 3 young children may really be more than she can manage now. It can be very hard work as I'm sure you've noticed and she is several decades older than you. People age at different rates. My own mother, for example, is slightly older than dh's mother but much more energetic, healthy and able to do things. Your mum was no doubt asked to help out, and as you say, not taken advantage of, and so felt under pressure to say yes. How could she refuse? And yet she could not manage the situation and is left feeling angry and (probably) humiliated.

I hope you'll be able to speak to her when she has calmed down a little. Maybe you'll be able to find out what the matter was, really.

tinkerbellhadpiles · 13/03/2007 21:46

Gosh, sounds like a whole houseful of petulance on one level or another (not you, your mum and kids!)

Give her the night to fume and then drop off a card or a pot plant, something that will make her smile. Don't try and talk to her till she's calmed down, just be nice and take the moral high ground. You don't know what's really going on in her head, could be something bad and could be just a horrible, horrible day.

Besides which, you must realise all kids have their moments of being exasperating. If she had a bad headache and the kids decided to be little sods (as ALL kids sometimes do), she probably just lost it a tad.

Perhaps the TWO of you could go out for a cuppa somewhere to take the pressure off?

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:47

my mum went through the menopause about ten years ago, so it cant be that. The thing is with me if I have a problem I like to get it out in the open talk it through and put closure to it. I hate this, I am not answering the phone shit, or I will just walk off like a child, an area were we both differ. I would have just said something like "they have been little toads, but, not to worry they are tired and I am tired so I am going home" kiss everyone and leave. Why the f*ing drama, I am getting more angry as I think it back over. ds1 is 6 ds2 is 4 and dd is 21 months, so they do like to have a laugh, and that is all that it is a laugh. If they cant enjoy themselves now when can they. But, on the other hand, my mum knows they do get disciplined when they are naughty, and generally they are not naughty.

OP posts:
Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 21:50

thanks tinker, I think sometimes my mum struggles with the noise levels, 3dc gets noisy. I am only child, and I was a very quiet child at that, did everything I was told first time. Shit that halo is slipping again

OP posts:
batters · 13/03/2007 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 13/03/2007 22:14

Oh Helbel, sounds like she never had to cope with 3 until yours. I often think that women who have only had one child forget what it's like much quicker than women who've had several.

OK, so maybe not the menopause but at 60ish she is still entitled to be very very tired and there may be health probs she's not told you about, or other probs.

Looking back, my worst time with my mother was when she was in her 60s. She also did things which I found childish and irritating at the time. It got better.
Hope it does for you.

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 22:16

My mum isnt 60is, she is 56 years old. So not really old, or is it??????

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 13/03/2007 22:28

56 is late 50s and yes, it is old for some people. I don't know your mum, and maybe I'm completely wrong, maybe she's being cantankerous out of pure devilment and isn't feeling her age at all.

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 22:31

I know what you are saying elastic, but, she is normally so lovely with the kids. I get really pissed off as the only reason why I stay in this area is out of the duty I feel towards my mum as I am only child and she says to me oh I would never want to move away I would miss you so much. So get pissed off when things like this happen as I think should just do what I feel is best for me dh and dc.

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Soapbox · 13/03/2007 22:36

I really do feel that you should be a bit more worried about your mum than you seem to be. You seem to be pissed off with her rather than worried about her.

In these circumstances I would be terribly worried about what had triggered this response from her and less bothered about yourself!

She probably feels awful and embarrased by the way things turned out - and your pissedoffedness certainly won't be unseen to her.

Elasticwoman · 13/03/2007 22:38

If she is normally lovely, and this happened out of the blue, I would feel more worried than angry. But I would be angry too! Her behaviour was terrible - but there may be a reason for it.

Be honest. It's not JUST duty that keeps you living near her, is it? She's been useful, up to now.

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 22:39

Your right soapbox, I suppose I have got that way with my feelings as she hasnt picked the phone up when I have tried to phone her to sort it out in a nice way. If she dosent answer what can I do, suppose just feel a bit helpless and stewing over it. The thing is my mum knows I stew over things and like to get things sorted, she also knows I will be worrying all night about her and the things that have happened. She will probably ignore me for at least a few days. Would that not bother you???

OP posts:
Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 22:42

I can see what you are saying about duty elastic, but it is really, of course I would miss her, but like I said I dont put on her for help all the time, but would miss her because she is my mum and normally a lovely nana to my dc. Maybe I am just reading into things a bit too much.

OP posts:
Soapbox · 13/03/2007 22:44

But perhaps right now she is too upset to talk to you. Why should your way of dealing with it be the one that is followed?

Leave it be, send her a card/text/email saying 'Mum, I am really worried about you and about what happened this evening, because you are the most wonderful granny ever and the boys love you to bits - please get in touch soon so we can chat things through.'

Original poster
helbel3 · 13/03/2007 22:46

thanks soapbox, I have got tears in my eyes now. Your right about how people deal with things, I will send her a text as she has probably gone to bed now. Thank you all for your comments, you have all really helped me. Thank you.

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friendlyedjit · 13/03/2007 22:47

completely agree- sorry think there's something more going on,as from what you write seems uncharacteristic behaviour for your mum. I'm sure you'll sort it out if you have a chat.
Hope its just one of those hormonal/ bad day things that we all sometimes go through.