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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I selfish

61 replies

user1494083116 · 06/05/2017 16:25

I do everything for my partner who doesn't work do anything around the house unless it's for him I run around after his daughter when she's here. I run around for his folks and work 50 hours a week. This week was my first holiday since Christmas and I was looking forward to some rest some fun and some quiet. In stead of anytime for me we've had his daughter who is off school yet again and as her mum won't have time off to look after her I'm doing it because she knows I'm on holiday this week , so I've had no rest no fun nothing for me at all. She was supposed to go home today leaving me 1 day left for me , I came home from visiting family to find out that we now have her until Sunday night without being asked. I had a romantic night and day planned which I've got to cancel and was told I was selfish for wanting 1 day to myself before I go back to my 50 hour a week job which isnt easy and is very tiring am I wrong to want 1 day for me. I feel like everyone and everything comes before me I just wanna scream what about me I am really selfish ????

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 06/05/2017 16:49

You are not getting anything from this relationship. It sounds like you would be better off on your own.

Sparkletastic · 06/05/2017 16:51

One chance on this earth. Don't waste it.

Happyfeet1972 · 06/05/2017 16:51

You'll find somewhere to go OP if you are paying 90% for the 2 of you, you should be able to afford to live on your own. I can't think for one moment why you'd put up with this life when it sounds like you have the means to leave. I know its scary but surely not as scary as wasting your life on this ungrateful person.

user1494083116 · 06/05/2017 16:51

Rented

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2017 16:54

I don't understand this at all. You dont have a mortgage together. He doesnt do a thing in the house. You pay for almost everything. He cant even parent his own child. He doesnt work. You work full time. He doesnt love you. You have, quite rightly, no respect for him. Certainly none from him.

Why cant you leave?

Neverknowing · 06/05/2017 16:57

It seems he only contributes negative things towards your life. I would leave, you can do better. Partners are meant to help your life not make it worse!
Why couldn't he look after his own daughter? I would let him look after her today, go out and have a nice day.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/05/2017 17:01

I cant see what you are getting out of this relationship.

You live with him, in a rented house, no children, you work and pay for everything, he shows you no affection - nah, can't see the attraction myself

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 06/05/2017 17:01

Oh god, what do you see in a man like that?
Could you stay with a friend tonight or book in to a hotel?
You really need to think about this relationship and what you're getting out of it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/05/2017 17:07

Are both of your names on the tenancy agreement?

FeckinCrutches · 06/05/2017 17:10

More fool you. You work 50 hours and have nowhere to go?? Kick him the fuck out.

SabineUndine · 06/05/2017 17:13

Go, and take the cat. At least they clean up after themselves. Wink

gregoriesgirl · 06/05/2017 17:13

Why are you with this man? What do you get from this relationship? From where I am sitting it looks like it's not much, if anything.

user1494083116 · 06/05/2017 17:16

Not married although he's asked me to and we're in rented accommodation

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 06/05/2017 17:20

What medical condition does he have that means he can't do anything?
There are tons of MNers with chronic and severe conditions and I suspect most of them would tell you that when they can do something around the house they do it.

My OH has MS and I don't do everything! I do the majority but he does stuff when he is able.

You are not married, you don't have kids, you dont co-own a property, why keep yourself in this miserable condition?

gregoriesgirl · 06/05/2017 17:21

Do not marry this man. You marry him and then he's got a claim over you for assets that you share. As you are the wage earner and he's a layabout unemployed you are going to be the one who is expected to pick up the financial pieces; he can run up all kinds of debts which then fall to you to pay when he can't or won't pay.

JaneEyre70 · 06/05/2017 17:27

The problem with a relationship with a taker is that at some point, they have taken all you have to give and there is nothing left. I think that's where you are OP, and you've realised that you not only deserve but you want more. You sound very kind, generous, compassionate and hard working. And somehow you've found yourself with a leech attached. Pull that leech off, and walk away. You know you deserve more. Can you honestly do this for the rest of your life?? You know darned well that you aren't the selfish one here.

Obsidian77 · 06/05/2017 17:27

Leave. Take the cat.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/05/2017 17:34

Call the landlord. Get your name off the lease. Get a new little flat all for yourself. If he can't afford to keep on the old flat then that's his problem.

mumofthemonsters808 · 06/05/2017 17:37

Why do you live your life like this ?.If someone asked you to score your happiness out of ten, what number would you give ?, if I were in your shoes (I'm only going off the information you've given) I'd say 2 maybe 3 on a good day. He treats you like a doormat and serves no purpose in your life.Raise your standards, have some self respect and put your foot down.

eddielizzard · 06/05/2017 17:40

if you got hit by a bus tomorrow is this what you would have wanted to spend your last 6 years doing?

EezerGoode · 06/05/2017 17:43

Wow,he's got you right where it suits him.as has his ex...cook,cleaner,and babysitter...get rid fast.and find a man that appreciates you,but also earns and shares the household tasks

RainbowJack · 06/05/2017 17:43

I love him but he never shows it hasn't for 6 years

So your love for a cocklodger who doesn't show you any love outweighs the love and respect for yourself? Wow.

You make the money and pay the bills. Find somewhere else to live.
And for the love of god free yourself from this torment.

DisorderedAllsorts · 06/05/2017 17:44

How old are you OP? Do you have or want children? Now add childcare to the mix and do you think you'll be able to cope. I have a medical condition and it certainly doesn't prevent me from pulling my weight around the house. What you've done is enabled them to disrespect you hence you've got the situation you have now.

While you plan your new life, slowly start to disengage from him and his family and put barriers up to maintain emotional distance.

Don't provide additional care for his daughter apart from what's already been agreed. She wants to stay an extra day, fine you go out for the day and leave her with her dad.

You don't tell him when you have your next week/days off, he's less likely to dump his kid on you.

His mum wants you to take her shopping - point her in the direction of online or book her a cab etc. You get my drift.

Meanwhile, look for a studio/ 1 bed flat to move into. Whose name is the tenancy in?
If you're not on it, even better as you're free to move into shared house or a studio. You don't even have to tell him you're leaving.

Go out for a night out with friends to see what life could be like if you were single.

Make sure you have your own bank account & that your wages are paid into a separate bank account. Make sure you are financially independent & separate from him.

With your job, can you transfer to another city? That would be a very good way to cut ties with him very quickly and permanently.

Lemonnaise · 06/05/2017 17:50

Don't leave, put him out!!!!!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/05/2017 17:51

OP, of course you can leave, and you can take the cat with you.
You work full time, rent somewhere else.
There is a life out there for you, you were not born to be a drudge.
Don't be taken in by emotional blackmail, he is capable of taking his medication, himself.