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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why siblings don't get on?

71 replies

WhamBamThankyouGeorge · 06/05/2017 09:33

If you and your siblings don't get on as adults, why is it?
Different sex/different schooling/different levels of educational attainment or sportiness?
Or is it just one of those things?
Me and my sibling are like chalk and cheese and don't get on. Almost can't believe we are related.

OP posts:

DontBeASalmon · 06/05/2017 11:25

I just remembered the thread where some posters thought it was hugely unfair to inherit the same as their well-off siblings, whilst others thought it was even more unfair to give different amount based on bank accounts or the amount of children.

Whatever you do, if people are naturally jealous, things will blow up.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 06/05/2017 11:29

I think what made the difference for us was that our parents treated us equally, expected us to treat each other properly but never pushed for anything more than that.

If they'd shoved us together I'd have been very resentful. As it was, we had the space to work things out for ourselves.

HashiAsLarry · 06/05/2017 11:30

^TBH DH didn't much care and the fall out in later years cane from his brother who simply can't get his head around how un-golden his life has turned out.

He seems very angry with DH because it was all meant to be so different.^

This is similar with me and my sister. The fall out came when she couldn't contain her jealousy that I had gotten everything she deserved from life - nothing to do with me working hard for it whether it be career or relationships of course .

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 11:31

As I said above, brother is bully to me, parents narcissistic. He is golden child btw. What I failed to mention as an adult, he and his wife have recreated the exact same dynamic with our children. Their son is golden child. My lovely dd is the scapegoat. Fuck that.

MumBod · 06/05/2017 11:31

I would get on with my brother, but he's a twat, which makes it hard.

Kokusai · 06/05/2017 11:37

I get on great with mine despite big age an sex differences.

Pericombobulations · 06/05/2017 11:40

My elder brothers are very close to each other. I was the very unwanted much younger sister and my eldest brother made sure I knew it. Him and I have similar personalities and its one of the reasons we clash.

However being so much younger meant I spent my teens living like an only child and know my parents in a way they never got the chance to.

I know they were both very jealous of me and the opportunities being so much younger and my parents only having to support me for many years (my brothers think me spoilt).

WonkoTheSane42 · 06/05/2017 11:42

We don't exactly not get on, but we have very different political views. Not sure how she got hers, since we had the same roots and the same upbringing.

iwasbornaunicorn · 06/05/2017 11:42

I get on really well with my sis & my bro ( although he is a bit of a dick head at times).

I think the key is for me as a parent I expect my kids to get on & pull together as a team.

parenting has a lot to do with how siblings get on my sis & bro don't get on as well because my parents pandered to him much more than her & they still do.

I recognise my mum especially treats sis & I differently, so I do try to raise it with my mum directly & in more suitable ways, I also acknowledge it to my sis & tell her I'm not happy when she's treated like that so that our relationship stays good and because an emotionally mature adult wouldn't want someone they love being hurt in this way.

I try & teach my kids to be loving towards & have empathy & understanding with each other.
only time will tell if I've done a good job.

When a sibling relationship works it's amazing my sis & I have in each other someone who would do anything for the other it gives us both a lot of emotional stability & security.

user1482079332 · 06/05/2017 11:47

It chops and changes, sometimes we're best mates or worst enemies, if we fall out we soon make up

GrinAndTonic · 06/05/2017 11:47

Because she is a dead shit oxygen thieving alcoholic who has lost custody of her children, assaulted me, my brother and mother. She has stolen from all of us, verbally abused us, accused me of a crime she committed and is just a tosspot in general.

My brother and I get along like a house on fire despite there being twelve years between us.

You pick your friends not your family and just because you are related doesn't mean you have to like them.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/05/2017 11:47

DH doesn't get on great with his siblings because he's so different to them. He has no tattoos, no criminal record, was married to both of the mothers of his children, works, and owns his own house and car. His siblings range from addicts to gainfully employed, but all have been in trouble with the police. He hasn't disowned them, but they have stopped including him in things since their parents died because they think he's stuck up. It's a shame because the older siblings have all died and out of 9 there are 5 of them left. He will talk to them if they meet by chance though. I keep trying to encourage him to build bridges.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 11:48

I think the key for me as a parent I expect my kids to get on & pull together as a team.

I totally agree with this. My dd is an only btw. But she has a friend, who she grew up around and they sort of have a sibling relationship and we as mums have similar views on child rearing. My parents were fucking clueless and my relationship with my brother was doomed from the start.

Blinkingblimey · 06/05/2017 11:48

Elder sister (by 10 years) stopped liking me when I told her to grow up because she objected loudly when our widowed parent found a new partner. Relationship was subsequently repaired but when I moved away from the city we both lived in she seemed to see it as a betrayal and has barely spoken to me since. It's sad.

brasty · 06/05/2017 11:53

I think the key for me as a parent I expect my kids to get on & pull together as a team.

So did my parents, and we did as children. But have virtually no contact as adults. Parents can encourage or discourage a close relationship, but some of it is outside their control.

DonaldStott · 06/05/2017 11:55

I have 4 siblings. Differing sexes, some big age gaps. I love them all loads. But I only get on with 3 of them. The 4th, we are just poles apart. Have always argued. (Well this sibling has argued with all of us at one time or another). Never fell out with the other 3. Currently NC with the 4th

peripericardium · 06/05/2017 11:55

I love and really like my sibling. We live a little way apart, so don't hang out much, but when we see each other it's always great. We have a lot in common and people used to mistake us for twins. Similar temperament, looks, interests.

SabineUndine · 06/05/2017 11:57

I would get on with mine if my 'D'M hadn't used us both to get the other to do whatever she wanted till I went LC. It's a mother problem, not a sibling problem.

drinkingtea · 06/05/2017 12:01

I think that asJunglebook says it's often about being treated differently both as children and adults more than gender and age gap. Some parents label their children ("the self sufficient one" "the cuddly one" "the coper" "the fragile one" "the clever one" "the plodder" "the sociable one" "the pretty one" etc etc) and stick with these labels given at 6 or 7 years old or even before, into and throughout adulthood because they become part of a family mythology despite not being objectively accurate at all, and probably only having been even vaguely accurate for a brief period of time.

A lot of adult children play up to the roles, whether conciously or unconsciously, when around family even if they are different away from family. That can breed and grow resentment when it leads to unnecessary different treatment on all levels, with adults without any actual problems allowed to be divas and their siblings expected to play along with sucking up the inconvenience they cause and treating them with kid gloves unnecessarily whilst listening to them being praised etc.

Yes, it can be pretty, but even as an adult it is very hard to be zen about, especially when it is a pattern continued from childhood.

kimann · 06/05/2017 12:39

There is 7 years between me and my brother and another 7 between me and my sister (I am middle child) even though I live in a different continent we are all really close. The 14 year age gap between my brother and younger sister - while fairly large - didn't stop them being super close and they are (by virtue of living in the same country) closer then me and them. We all have different personalities and vastly different jobs but when we do meet - it's like it was before when we were kids. I hope my two children have the same relationship.

Questioningeverything · 06/05/2017 13:03

Because she is a violent sociopath who deserves her own series on Jeremy Kyle.
Because he disappeared 17yrs ago
Because she married a total twunt who thinks it's acceptable to intimidate women and people who are constantly doing them favours- oh and she sided with him when called out on it. Ummm... yeah I think I'm done there.

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