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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding

67 replies

Stuck4Name · 05/05/2017 22:47

So a bit of background.

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have been through quite a lot of significant life events together although we do not live live together. We both have children from a previous relationship. His children sadly do not have a mother in their life and my child does not have a father in his. My son was only a baby when we got together and calls my DP Dad, his mother Grandma and his brother Uncle. The children generally refer to each other as siblings. I have always been quite involved with his children and used to take them to school and pick them up when needed, attend parents evenings and have even gone alone to their school assemblys and sports days when my DP hasn't been able to attend.

DP has a family member who is getting married soon and DP's children are set to be rather involved in the big day.

The issue is that my son & I have not been invited to the wedding (but have been invited to the evening do). This in itself is not an issue, I am fully aware they are entiltled to invite who they like etc. and generally I would be fine with that. The thing that has really pissed me off is that whilst I am not invited they have invited BIL and his DP of 2 years when the only time they ever have anything to do with anyone in the family is when they're broke and after money.

I work weekends and had I been invited would have booked the whole weekend off so that we could have attended (and left) as a family. Since we would have been attending together we would have split the cost of sharing a cab and with having no work the following day I could have had a drink. However I am now basically expected to work all day, go collect my son from childcare, rush home to get us both ready, drive to where ever the venue is, have to go find my DP (who by the time the evening do starts will probably already be half cut), not be able to have a drink because I have to both drive and get up for work and have to stay for more than 2 hours (do starts at 7.30) to not be seen as being rude and antisocial and then go home alone.

So the crux of the matter is, AIBU to not go as quite frankly it is too much like hassle when I'm neither being invited as part of the family nor am I a friend of the couple who's wedding it is? Does that make me a total bitch? My DP seems to think that I am.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 06/05/2017 16:10

I'd agree it's an invitation - OP can go or not -

Her DP should be cross about the lack of invite - but in the circumstances he should just accept OPs decision

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 16:10

That's what she says, but really its about not being seen as a full partner of his.
Which is entirely understandable.

It would be bad enough for any wedding, but making a fuss about this one? Unbelievable.

Astro55 · 06/05/2017 16:15

its about not being seen as a full partner of his

It's having a partner that agrees with this statement - he hasn't said 'I'm sorry you're not invited and I feel crap going with out you' has he?

NightWanderer · 06/05/2017 16:24

It's a long way to go for evening only so I wouldn't attend especially as you have a child. I don't think it's a big deal to decline. Your DP should respect you decision.

itsmine · 06/05/2017 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haveacupoftea · 06/05/2017 16:57

I'd just book the time off anyway and go along to the evening do. Nice party, drinks and buffet and stay in a hotel or stay at home seething?

haveacupoftea · 06/05/2017 17:01

And yeah I wouldn't expect my DP to tackle someone who is terminally ill about a wedding invite Confused especially if as you say it's a small private ceremony. Be gracious and go along to the evening.

2014newme · 06/05/2017 17:04

You aren't "expected" to do anything. You've been invited to something that would be inconvenient to attend, so don't go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2017 13:12

The OP's DP is pissed off at her lack of invitation, but he can't refuse to go, his children are part of the bridal party. He wants the OP to come along, I would imagine because he wants her to be there, but also because of the terminally ill family member aspect, I believe.

However - it's still up to the OP whether or not she feels that it's worth it, given that she doesn't know them that well and they've clearly decided she's not close enough to be there the whole day, despite the longevity of her relationship with her DP. That's their choice - and it's her choice to not bother going if she doesn't want to.

GoodDayToYou · 10/05/2017 08:47

I think sometimes, when numbers have to be limited, not inviting the unmarried partners to the day, is used by some people. It's a 'wedding thing' which no one would get away with in normal circumstances. I definitely wouldn't feel any pressure to go if you don't want to.

derxa · 10/05/2017 09:02

yabu

selsigfach · 10/05/2017 09:39

You've said in your OP that you're not even friends with these people, why would you expect to go? It's going to be a very bittersweet day for the couple and it's totally fine for them to only want to have people they know and love there. It's not like your partner is going to be on his own twiddling his thumbs, he'll know lots of people there. Go or don't go, but don't kick up a stink.

Chinnygirl · 10/05/2017 10:35

Fuck that, say a few days in advance that DS has some sniffles and you can't go. Make a nice evening of it with DS. Do something special that he really likes.

MissingPanda · 10/05/2017 10:47

The OP isn't kicking up a stink. She just doesn't want to waste precious AL on what is essentially a party. Nor does she wannt to go for just a couple of hours especially as her DP will probably be well on his way to getting drunk by the time she gets there.

When you do invitations for a wedding you start with those most important to you and work your way out to the least important. As an evening guest the OP is obviously not that important so they won't be bothered if she's not there.

I can understand why he doesn't want to make a fuss and the OP doesn't expect him to. She's feeling a bit peeved and she has the right to her feelings but she isn't expecting him to do anything other than to respect her feelings and decision.

DreamilyLookingOutOfTheWindow · 10/05/2017 11:14

I often think there would be no wedding dramas if it wasn't for the guests

No one is ever entitled to an invite to someone else's wedding.

Op this isn't about you as such, they haven't not invited you in order to display their feelings about your relationship or make some statement about how serious they feel your relationship is or isn't.

This day is actually about the bride and grooms relationship.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2017 11:36

Why would she expect to go? Perhaps because she's been in a LTR with her DP for 8 years, has been very involved with his DDs who are going to be bridesmaids and has a good relationship with them to the point that they call her own DC their siblings - but why on EARTH would she expect to be included in a family event? Hmm

MrsHarveySpecterV · 10/05/2017 13:35

We had limited numbers for our day and only invited partners who were living together. Nothing personal against individuals but we felt it was the fairest way for us. I can understand you feel upset but I think YAB a bit U

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