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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding

67 replies

Stuck4Name · 05/05/2017 22:47

So a bit of background.

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have been through quite a lot of significant life events together although we do not live live together. We both have children from a previous relationship. His children sadly do not have a mother in their life and my child does not have a father in his. My son was only a baby when we got together and calls my DP Dad, his mother Grandma and his brother Uncle. The children generally refer to each other as siblings. I have always been quite involved with his children and used to take them to school and pick them up when needed, attend parents evenings and have even gone alone to their school assemblys and sports days when my DP hasn't been able to attend.

DP has a family member who is getting married soon and DP's children are set to be rather involved in the big day.

The issue is that my son & I have not been invited to the wedding (but have been invited to the evening do). This in itself is not an issue, I am fully aware they are entiltled to invite who they like etc. and generally I would be fine with that. The thing that has really pissed me off is that whilst I am not invited they have invited BIL and his DP of 2 years when the only time they ever have anything to do with anyone in the family is when they're broke and after money.

I work weekends and had I been invited would have booked the whole weekend off so that we could have attended (and left) as a family. Since we would have been attending together we would have split the cost of sharing a cab and with having no work the following day I could have had a drink. However I am now basically expected to work all day, go collect my son from childcare, rush home to get us both ready, drive to where ever the venue is, have to go find my DP (who by the time the evening do starts will probably already be half cut), not be able to have a drink because I have to both drive and get up for work and have to stay for more than 2 hours (do starts at 7.30) to not be seen as being rude and antisocial and then go home alone.

So the crux of the matter is, AIBU to not go as quite frankly it is too much like hassle when I'm neither being invited as part of the family nor am I a friend of the couple who's wedding it is? Does that make me a total bitch? My DP seems to think that I am.

OP posts:
TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 00:34

YANBU ......but.
Does your DHs brother and his partner live together? Maybe that's why they were invited? Or perhaps it's just that the bride and groom are closer to them Confused
If you weren't initially bothered test you weren't invited then presumably you aren't close to the bride and groom.

I think you should go if you want to or don't go if you want to. I don't think it's worth worrying about it or getting mad about it. The worst option is getting mardy and offended about it when it doesn't sound like you are close to them anyhow 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I would give it a miss but not in a bad tempered way just because I could be arsed 😂 I wouldn't have any issues at all with your DP going though.

Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 00:35

Thumbs. Leaving work early is subjective on the day itself depending on workload left and staffing amoungst other things.

I've not really been told much about the plans just that I am only invited to the evening do and that it starts at 7.30, I don't even know where it is. From what I can gather the ceramony is just going to be a small private affair not in church, again I couldn't say where.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 00:43

What? How has your DP not told you the rest of the details, he must have them in a full invitation, surely?? That's a bit weird.

OK, if it's not in a church then my cunning plan wouldn't work so well - but I think you should ask your DP where the bloody thing is happening and whether there is anything nearby that you could take your DS to. I'm trying to find ways to accommodate them because I'm a bit of a sap where weddings are concerned - I once got invited to sing at a friend's wedding, but then wasn't included in the main reception, just the evening reception, so I had to find something to do for the 4 hours in between (too far to go home again). I did it, because a) I'm a sap and b) they were friends - I know these people aren't your friends but they seem to be important to your DP, so I'd probably do it in your circs as well.

ADishBestEatenCold · 06/05/2017 00:44

Certainly, don't go for an hour or two.

Either go and enjoy a reasonable amount of the evening, or decline the invitation.

I think if in that position I would probably decline, as I'd feel rather awkward having to arrive hours after my partner and his brothers/family and their partners.
I would also tell my partner that the reason I wasn't going was because doing so would make me feel uncomfortable, that my decision was about my feelings and, as such, I would hope that he would support me in that, but fine for him to go, given the circumstances (ill relative).

Casmama · 06/05/2017 00:48

Have just read your op again and I think your dp is being pretty selfish. I wouldn't go and I think he can make his own way home.

MissEDashwood · 06/05/2017 00:59

Maybe the bride & groom don't understand your relationship as you don't live together after 8 years, yet your son calls DP 'Dad' & considers his family like his Dads family.

I know it must be annoying, but maybe they just think well she can come to the evening do. If they're getting married in reg office or church you can go to the ceremony part, just not the meal.

It sounds like you've got an issue DP will have been drinking, so you'll be sober & he'll be quite tipsy. Although if you have children to look after is it advisable getting drunk?

I can see why you're annoyed but there must be a reason they thought not to invite you. Maybe it surrounds your DS not having a part in the day. You could ask if it really bothers you. I'm guessing it could be costs and seating plans etc.

MissEDashwood · 06/05/2017 01:00

Also if they know you work weekends, maybe they were trying to be considerate.

Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 01:14

ThumbEitches, I imagine he does know the full details he just hasn't shared them. Tbh I really can't be arsed with the hassle for people who clearly don't give a shit about me, my son or my DP's feelings.

ADish, it doesn't start until 7.30 snd I have to be up early for work the next day as will my son so with travel a couple of hours will make it late enough. And yes I will feel arkward turning up on my own and having to go find him.

I think it just pisses me off so much because despite the fact we may not live together we see a lot of each other and I have always been fairly involved with his kids, for all intense and purpose I am probably the closest thing they have to a mother (their grandmother aside) and yet a day important to them and I will not be there to share in it. I'm treated better by my DP's IL's and their families who have never excluded me from anything despite the fact many of them barely know me.

OP posts:
MissEDashwood · 06/05/2017 01:24

If after that time you don't live together, maybe they see you two as a bit like FWB. To them maybe they don't understand how you can 'be together' but in that time, no living together or marriage. I'm guessing it's a benefits thing or related to money somehow.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 01:26

I think that's fair enough. I'm just projecting wildly about how I'd try to accommodate it (because, y'know, sap). :)

Just explain to your DP that it's really not reasonable or in fact feasible for you to go along for a couple of hours, because of your DS, work, driving, work and your DS. And driving (therefore not drinking). Repeat as many times as necessary until he gets the point. And also that if they don't care enough about his feelings, having his partner and almost-son excluded, then you shouldn't have to worry about their feelings, as they don't seem to want you there at all anyway.

Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 01:35

Thank you all for you imput its nice to know I'm not being completely unreasonable in not wanting to go. I don't think I will attend as I think I would struggle to hide how fed up I am with it all and it will just be very arkward and the last thing I want to do is cause an atmosphere and put a dampner on the day. I think I just need to have a frank but calm discussion with my dp about the fact I will not be going any why in the hope I can get him to try and see it from my point of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 01:45

MissE, thank you for your speculation on my financial situation. There are many reasons why we don't live together most of which have nothing to do with money.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 06/05/2017 02:22

Why dont you live together after 8 yeas? Where is the relationship going?
You real problem isnt not being invited tona wedding you don't reasonably want to attend, it is your partner calling you a total bitch for it. Whats your relationship like normally?

MissEDashwood · 06/05/2017 03:01

It's not a criticism, I know people have been together 20 years and decided they'd never share a house, but they go on holiday together. I also know a friend of the family who kept getting pregnant with DP but admitted to living at home & having bills go to their parents, so say tax credits get paid amongst other things.

It's not my business what you're doing, wouldn't you like to live as a blended family?

Would you enjoy dancing with DS, DP & family. You might even catch the bouquet, I thought it was notice but someone caught my bouquet we made a fuss out of them. They got married in about 18 months.

I'm a bit scrooge like and wouldn't date again once we split as I don't believe in happily ever after. My DH or AH (annoying husband) wants me to leave ASAP or to go to a friends for a visit.

picklemepopcorn · 06/05/2017 06:25

I can think of loads of possible reasons why op and her DP don't live together. Children's schools, size of house, different housekeeping styles, another rellie living with them...

None of them mean she wouldn't want to see the children being bridesmaids, and be with her DP and his family at an important occasion!

Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 14:52

Thanks pickle.

As I said there are LOTS of reasons, from being a carer for his disabled mum who relies on him quite heavily and working from home (there is nowhere he could call office space here) down to the fact he is a scruffy git and the mess he creates would drive me insane and many many things in-between that I don't feel the need to get into. This thread is not about why we don't live together it is about whether I am unreasonable to say I will not go to a wedding reception.

He hasn't directly called me a bitch but intended or not its how I have been made to feel I am being.

I know its hard for him because he wants me there and is annoyed at the lack of invite himself and if it wasn't for the fact his kids are involved and the family member being terminally ill then he probably would have declined the invite and been honest about why but at the same time I think one of the other posters has kinda hit the nail on the head in that he is probably angry with me because with family member being so ill he probably thinks I should just suck it up and sees it as me rocking the boat.

As I said before I will have a proper talk to him about it in a calm manner now that I can be fairly sure I am not being completely unreasonable (it didn't come up at the best of times last time and I was rightly or wrongly pretty snappy about it) in the hope he can get his head round where I am coming from.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 06/05/2017 14:59

Instead of booking the whole weekend off, just book the day after off and then proceed as you had intended but for the evening bit only (cab home after so you can have a drink)

ComputerUserNotTrained · 06/05/2017 15:11

If the ceremony is small, likelihood is that there isn't room for both you and your ds. It could well be that when compiling the guest list, they had to choose between BIL's DP (ie one person) or you and you DS (so two). Register offices can be very limited on numbers - or the cost for a larger room can be two, three or four times that of the standard one for not that many extra people.

Given that one of those getting married is terminally ill, choosing another ceremony venue might have been out of the question - not just because of finances but because of availability.

Original poster
Stuck4Name · 06/05/2017 15:21

But surely in those circumstances Computer you would have the decorum to make the decision to either make room for both parties or to exclude both out if fairness not invite one and exclude the other especially when the one invited has the least to do with any of them.

OP posts:
itsmine · 06/05/2017 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 06/05/2017 15:37

They've probably got bigger things on their mind than "decorum".

And what itsmine said.

Coastalcommand · 06/05/2017 15:40

I'm not sure I understand. Why can't you take the weekend off anyway? Then you could have a nice relaxing day with your son, then both get ready and go to the reception at 7:30 PM. You could spend the evening having fun and getting to know everyone, drink if you want to, and then go home with your husband in the cab? Or if it's a distance then stay over somewhere, and then do something nice the following day as a family?

itsmine · 06/05/2017 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 15:50

Perhaps you should have the decorum, as well as some compassion, to realise that the wedding of a terminally ill family member of your boyfriend is not about you.
How self absorbed do you need to be to be complaining about this. Go, don't go, they won't care, It won't be on anyones radar.

onalongsabbatical · 06/05/2017 16:06

Things seem to be getting a bit stupidly hostile towards the OP. As far as I can see, she's not massively upset by how the wedding's being handled - a bit peeved but that's not the issue. The issue is she's upset because her DP can't see that it's really inconvenient for her to slot into it and she'd just rather not go, and he's cross about it, and cross with her! That's how I'm seeing it.