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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say fuck it lets have number three

69 replies

Ps4widow · 05/05/2017 20:56

Am 25 have two dc ages 4 and 1. My dd starts school in August. Iam a sahm but plan to return to work after my ds starts school in a few years.
So i have only worked a few years in my adult life.
My ds was born unwell and we have only come out of the other end of it and he us a normal healthy 1 year old .
I need a op which means after it i wont be alble to have more kids.
I can life without it for a few years but after that i really would need it .
Iam not ready yet to close the door on no more kids but i need to op.
Iam starting to think that we might be better just ttc as i know we want number 3 just not this soon . Money wise we would struggle abit but when i start working it will be fine and also ive spend more time not working then working which isnt good.
I dont know what to do

OP posts:
Splinters6 · 05/05/2017 22:19

If you can afford it and you think you can cope then go for it.
2 wasn't enough for me. I always felt someone was missing. I had no desire for another baby as I actively dislike that stage. I knew what I wanted was another member of our family. I kept putting it off for various reasons and wondered if the strong urge to have another would fade but it never did and we had our 3rd 6yrs after our 2nd. I very much wish we had just gone for it soon after the 2nd and been done with baby stuff. Plus being in my 40s meant I was utterly exhausted.
Good luck with your decision.

PhyllisNights · 05/05/2017 22:20

Only go for child number 3 if you can emotionally and financially support it.

Splinters6 · 05/05/2017 22:22

It wasn't broodiness for me. I don't like babies at all. The older they get, the more I enjoy it.

VerySadInside · 05/05/2017 22:30

What if dc3 is as ill as ds? would you cope?

Psolomon · 05/05/2017 22:42

YABU. The planet is over populated.

Do you have life and heath insurance for yourself and your dh? Do you have some savings to tide you all over a period of redundancy? Could you manage if your dh left, or you wanted to leave him? These are all things that needed to be considered before baby no. 3 tbh.

do u have the resources to give them opportunities.

OP, please ignore the snobs who pretend to know what the precise prerequisites to having a third child should be. Bloody tedious with their hand-wringing nonsense. Having children and providing those you have with an extra sibling; nurturing a brood despite being on a low income (not that you have any problem there); being a SAHM instead of withering away in an office whilst paying £1k-a-month childcare are all perfectly legitimate and lovely choices.

Buck3t · 05/05/2017 22:43

This post is crazy to me. The world is overpopulated it is true, why should that not be a consideration? Our resources are being overstretched. It is something to consider.

I personally wouldn't do this. Your position does not sound stable and your future (and that of your children) are too uncertain - just cause a man is working today doesn't mean the same will happen tomorrow. But I'm practical and use logic before my emotions.

Everyone is different and you need to do you. But I personally wouldn't.

Psolomon · 05/05/2017 22:44

Only go for child number 3 if you can emotionally and financially support it.

Did you read the bit where the OP said her husband earns well? How do we measure 'emotional support'? Hmm

Original poster
Ps4widow · 05/05/2017 22:46

Financial side is ok if dh was to die or leave we would be ok before i give up work i made sure of that . Before i start this its about a mc.
I feel pregnant last year ehen ds wad 4 months old st the time he was quite unwell at times we could've lost him.
We had sex once and it was to try and get some norm in our life
(Stupid i know) anyway i feel pregnant when the words pregnant came up i throw the test and said to dh i want an abortion.
He told me we would work it out . The day i was planning on asking my gp for one i couldnt do it. Dh was happy and me i was unhappy . Ds at this point was getting better so know more trips to a and e but he was still needing a lot of care . At 11 wks I Started Bleeding which turned into a full blown mc only then i wanted the baby i felt such grief and guilt that toke over me i often wonder if the baby knew what i was thinking but i would of loved and doted on it with all my heart. Part of me wants to make up for thatSad

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 05/05/2017 22:52

Have a baby if you want one. Don't understand how your husband is paying into a,pension for you though. You have to be employed to pay into a pension

Figaro2017 · 05/05/2017 22:54

So it seems as though your husband wouldn't want a third?

amyyyyy · 05/05/2017 22:55

Sounds like you want to replace the one you lost.

Psolomon · 05/05/2017 23:00

You did not lose the baby because you considered aborting it; miscarriages are very, very commonplace. I'm sorry you're hurt and guilt-ridden, but you ought not to try to make peace with yourself in this way.

The point is you have always considered a third. Now that the operation is sitting on the horizon you need to decide a little quicker whether you should just take the plunge. Don't let the miscarriage define you or your decisions about a third child.

(and definitely don't listen to the planet-loving naysayers who probably drive gas-guzzlers )

LittleWingSoul · 05/05/2017 23:02

Is it just because the OP is young everyone is assuming she can't 'afford' DC3?! She's already said her DP earns a good salary and she plans on returning to work at some point.

OP, if you do have DC3 it won't be long before your first 2 are both at school full time so childcare won't be so much of an issue.

I am in a similar situation to you Re going for DC3... I had mine young too so haven't necessarily progressed my career as other people my age but life is too short. Also had issues around timing of an operation and TTC but I know I'll regret it forever if I don't do it now, while I still can. I'm lucky enough that my DH's salary is enough to float us while I take another 'career break' if we do manage to conceive.

Original poster
Ps4widow · 05/05/2017 23:21

Ive got a pension might not be a proper full blown one but there's money being saved for it .
I think things a a bit raw at the moment to make that call but thanks i have been given a lot of food for thought .

OP posts:
themueslicamel · 05/05/2017 23:25

We had a DS now 16 and then a DD now 13 before going for a third.

She is now 9 and I we can imagine life without her.

People said we were nuts.

To be fair they have a point, as 4 bedroom house, bigger car and don't even go there with holidays plus extra food and activities all add up.

Good luck if you go for itWink

themueslicamel · 05/05/2017 23:28

*can't imagine life without her...

khajiit13 · 05/05/2017 23:46

If you're 25 and have hardly worked it's not great tbh. If you plan and have another I'm assuming you won't be looking for work until you're 30? That's going to be incredibly difficult to even get a job with no experience imho.

Fruitcorner123 · 05/05/2017 23:48

The thing is it's not just about the time not working it's the tiny age gap and how hard that will be. You are young so may well conceive quite quickly and have two under age two which is hard hard work and a lot of nappies!

SuburbanRhonda · 05/05/2017 23:58

Yeah, just ignore people spoiling the party by mentioning the impact of overpopulation on the environment.

MistySparrow · 06/05/2017 00:01

Go for it OP. We had so many reasons not to go for three but our hearts said three and it is perfect, if a little busy. We had only two home last week and it was so quiet.

Claireshh you too - lots of time left - I didn't have our third until your age.

Headofthehive55 · 06/05/2017 06:48

Go for it. Plenty of time to work later.

Frazzledmum123 · 06/05/2017 08:21

I'm sorry for your loss OP, must have been very hard for you

I have 3 and love it. TBH I'd like a 4th but I can see it's not really right for our family and probably more about finding it hard coming to terms with baby being my last. I didn't feel that last time, I knew I desperately wanted a third. I doubt you'd regret having another but you may regret not

With timings, it depends on how desperate the op is. You don't really want to be having it with a tiny baby at home, that'd be hard so if you need it in the next 3 years then you'd probably be better off having a baby sooner rather than later. If it can wait a bit longer than that I'd say maybe give it another year, I have a 2 yr age gap and a 3yr and the 3yr gap is definitely easier! Although the closer you have them the easier some things will be as their interests will be more similar. Just some things to consider

I wouldn't worry about work, raising a family is a good reason to have been out of work and you can honestly tell them you are done having children so won't be going on maternity leave (not that you should have to but I bet it would go in your favour)

Sounds like maybe you could do with getting some help with your feelings of guilt though. You didn't lose your baby because you didn't want it to start with, please don't think that x

IJustLostTheGame · 06/05/2017 08:39

Ignore the work comments OP.
I hated my job before dd. A baby gave me the perfect excuse to quit and focus on her for a while.
I'm lucky in that DH's earnings had risen by then and although things were tight we paid the bills.
I now work and run a small home business and I love love love it and I love my life.
I had no experience in the field I'm now in and I plan to stay in it and I didn't start this career until my mid 30s so it isn't too late at all.
It's about being a family. DH earns most of the money and I do most of the house stuff. He cooks and I garden.
It works for us.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/05/2017 08:50

The planet is horribly overpopulated in terms of how much western societies consume, and we are draining its natural resources at a terrifying rate. But humanity has proved over and over again that that concern is always outweighed by the belief that we have the right to have what we want and screw the long-term consequences.

MadameSimoneSartre · 06/05/2017 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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