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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can have a goodrelationship with your teenage chikd

50 replies

LardLizard · 05/05/2017 07:46

My mum who was frankly awful to me at times as a child
Has been saying stuff to me like when dd who is almost ten in a couple of years is going to turn awful

If course I'm expecting friendships dramas moods door slamming etc and normal teen stuff

But I'm hoping we can maintain the great relationship we have
We've always been so close and I hate to think she's reached her peak as mum tries to put it

i hope we can stay close

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 05/05/2017 07:52

You're not at all.

It is completely possible to keep a good relationship going, but it's hard work.

Keep communication open and strong and be mutually respectful. The biggest causes of teens and their parents falling out or not being close of my teen's peers seems to be they feel not listened to or that their parents are "control freaks"...

Dd (16) and I fell out for 10 hours the other day and it felt like forever as we are normally close.

Let your child (as she is now) begin to make her own choices and help guide her to make good ones... as she gets older engage with discussions about everything and help her to think critically about what's going on around her. Be on her side but demand honesty. Then start to let go. From maybe 13/14 ish...when she starts to push against you I guess. It feels wrong but it's right and natural. Be there to pick up the pieces from bad choices but consequences are hers. Talk about sex and relationships. Encourage her to be true to herself despite whatever her friends do.

And get plenty wine in for the difficult times! 😂 🍷

Original poster

LardLizard · 05/05/2017 07:57

Thanks so much for the kind advice

I think my mums style was to turn everything into a war

And apart from somethings which were imo abusive
It was things like ignoring me for days n not speaking to me and knowing I was a dependant child so that I'd have to go to her for something sooner or later

It was all like a power game to her

OP posts:

Original poster

LardLizard · 05/05/2017 07:58

I do find it quite difficult when she tries to tell me how hideous it's all about to start to become
As really she was the biggest issue in my childhood

OP posts:

Mistigri · 05/05/2017 08:41

My DD (16) and I have a very close relationship. Of course we argue and fall out sometimes but we have always managed to maintain mutual trust and respect.

Tbh I have found the teenage years much easier than the pre-teen ones - teenagers have a bit more self-awareness and a better sense of humour. I like teenagers, even the annoying bits like black-and-white thinking (if you can't be an idealist at 16, when can you?).

Ignore your mother and tell yourself that the best years are yet to come!

Chrysanthemum5 · 05/05/2017 08:48

I have a big family so seen a lot of nieces/nephews go through the teenage years. They generally go through a phase of wanting independence and being difficult as they try to achieve it. They all get through it and come out the other side as lovely adults. Some take very little time, some take longer

corythatwas · 05/05/2017 08:53

Of course you can. You are not your mother. She needs history to repeat itself so she can tell herself it was nothing to do with her. You don't have to play that game.

Imo the top tip for getting along with teenagers is to ditch all silly ideas of "downhill from here", "she's not the child I knew" and enjoy the fact that they are changing and growing into their own person.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/05/2017 08:58

Of course you can. You are not your mother. She needs history to repeat itself so she can tell herself it was nothing to do with her. You don't have to play that game.

^THIS with bells on.

PookieDo · 05/05/2017 09:01

I have a difficult and fractious relationship with one of my teenagers but I wouldn't say we are not close - she has some issues (ADHD, anxiety) and most of the friction comes from me never giving up on her and trying to guide a troubled person in the right direction. She doesn't always like what I say and do but it's all out of love for her and I respect her. When there is no respect that is when there will be a problem. They do make bad choices and they do silly things and you may be the only person they can show their deepest insecurities to, it's a rollercoaster knowing how close you are but they still push you away. I know my parents didn't deal well with me and I don't want to make the same mistakes

It is hard but in a rewarding way

sparkli · 05/05/2017 09:05

I have 6DC, 4 teens. I can honestly say I love this stage. I thought it would be hell, but they're funny, thoughtful, independent and intelligent humans. We have great discussions on anything and everything, and I still get hugs and kisses, even from my 15yo 6' 3" DS. Of course we have arguments and fall outs, but I wouldn't trade the teenage stage for anything.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/05/2017 09:06

I find the parents who have the most problems are those that don't listen to their children or don't take on board the child's strengths and weaknesses

Trying to get a teenager to be academic and wanting A levels and university when they want to be a plumber is never going to end well

Badbadtromance · 05/05/2017 09:12

I have a great relationship with my almost 15 DS. I love the teenage years so much easier than when he was a baby

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/05/2017 09:19

I have two 16 year old DDs and I'd say we are close. We have our ups and downs but we still have a laugh together and I occasionally force a hug out of them.

You do have to accept that they are growing up, wanting more independence and freedom, and that they are not you, they'll make different choices.

You have to let them go and cross your fingers that everything will be ok.

TheHobbitMum · 05/05/2017 09:19

Absolutely you can! I have an amazing relationship with my 15yr old although my 14yr old prefers to be left to his playstation lol

GnomeDePlume · 05/05/2017 09:20

Agree with PPs, my DCs are now 17, 18 & 21. These are good years. DCs have their own opinions. We dont agree about everything but why should we?

Isadora2007:
Keep communication open and strong and be mutually respectful

this many times over

Harvestmoonsobig · 05/05/2017 09:22

Of course, you might with your hand on your heart believe you did your best to support your teenagers to become confident young adults, and indeed they are, but it may still end up with you having a very separate relationship.

GetAHaircutCarl · 05/05/2017 09:23

I have very positive yet different relationships with both my teens.

We still choose to spend a lot of time together. And we're a very loving and open family.

I don't try to or even want to control them. I like all their friends and am very welcoming. I'm aware that they're very good kids and I tell them that all the time. That who and what they are, pleases me greatly.

In return they're not overly moody or dramatic. They're extremely respectful of me and seem to value what I say ( even when it's a bollocking).

TBH the hardest part of the teen years are outside factors; endless exams, peers having problems, new drivers taking to the roads etc

FluffyBathTowel · 05/05/2017 09:24

I hope so. My DD is only 10 months but I had a terrible relationship with my mother. She was very cold when I was a child and the teenage years were hell-ish. She is NC with all of us now but I'm petrified of having a dufficult relationship with my DD or giving her the same emotional issues that my mother gave me. Logically I know that I'm not my mother and I don't and won't treat my DD the same way that she treated me but there's still that niggle there.

I love reading about people who have good relationships with their teens and the experience is so alien to me.

Aria2015 · 05/05/2017 09:25

Not at all. My lo is still very young but my sister has two teenagers and they have a lovely relationship. They are very open and respectful of each other. There are still 'rules' at home but she also shows them a lot of trust and so far they've not abused it. They are still a pleasure to be around and despite both having phones, they do still interest with people - they are better at it than me lol!

Maddaddam · 05/05/2017 09:38

I have 3 teenagers and good relationships with all of them. I've always enjoyed other people's teenagers, and teenage nieces and nephews.

I do have an appallingly bad relationship with my own parents, to the extent that I almost didn't have children myself as I couldn't bear the thought of replicating that. But I work hard at doing the opposite of what my own parents did/do. Maybe I'm still so busy being angry with my parents that my inner teen is very active so I am quite sympathetic to teen strops and moods as I'm still a bit like that.

rightwhine · 05/05/2017 09:46

Apart from the usual mess making arguments/nagging, I have a very good relationship with mine. They are generally good kids.
I advise but they have to make their own decisions now and learn from their mistakes. I don't punish because there is no point now. They had consequences when they were younger. I was probably quite strict compared to some but now they are teenagers they should know right from wrong.
I talk around things, tell them my thoughts and the reasons behind them and then say that it's their choice as to how they live their life. They don't really have a lot to rebel against as they know they can generally do things even if I don't approve. They don't tend to do anything though as they appreciate that I have their best interests at heart when giving advice or my thoughts on life.

steppemum · 05/05/2017 09:56

my dcs are the youngest of 8 granchildren.
All 8 have been pretty nice people through their teens, although some of them are still right at the beginning.

Of course they do normal teen stuff, of course there are days when you wish for toddlers instead of teens (the tantrums aren't that disimilar) but fundamentally I think they are all lovely young people.

Watch the Child of our Time 16 year olds, what a great bunch of kids. All different, doing their own thing, but really impressed with them.

steppemum · 05/05/2017 09:58

my key things - be clear about the boundarries that matter to you, and try and make those as reasonable and as few as possible.
Assume and expect your young people will contribute to the household (clear table, wash up etc)
Keep reminding your self that they need to learn to be themselves, and back off when you can, even if it means letting them make mistakes.
never let them stop knowing you love them and have their back. Always.

ShelaghTurner · 05/05/2017 09:59

My eldest is only 9 but I have a 14yo niece and she's fab. Of course she's a pain in the arse at times and obsessed with stuff I have no idea about but she's funny and clever and interesting and slightly bonkers. I love spending time with her. My eldest is calmer than she was at 8 but I'm hoping we'll continue to have a good relationship once she hits the teens.

Gottagetmoving · 05/05/2017 10:06

Every mother/teenage child relationship is different.
My daughter was an absolute angel up to the age of 12. I had no idea at all she would turn into a devil child so was totally unprepared when she did!
I made the mistake of being too soft and allowing her to dictate to me how things should be but I turned it around by being stricter and setting definite boundaries. Even though I doubted that would work, it did. By the time she was 18 we were very close again and have been ever since.
Even when it was bad, we did always share a sense of humour, so that helped.

motherinferior · 05/05/2017 10:12

I love my teenagers. I get on very well with the older one: the younger one is moodier but also utterly lovely.

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