To think you can have a goodrelationship with your teenage chikd

[LardLizard]

My mum who was frankly awful to me at times as a child
Has been saying stuff to me like when dd who is almost ten in a couple of years is going to turn awful

If course I'm expecting friendships dramas moods door slamming etc and normal teen stuff

But I'm hoping we can maintain the great relationship we have
We've always been so close and I hate to think she's reached her peak as mum tries to put it

i hope we can stay close

Do a bit of googling about how teenage brains develop and different from adults. It's facinating and i think can help to see behaviours for what they are and relax. Rather than presume the child is now going to turn into a horrible adullt, then start shouting and trying to fix them. I don't mean that you never correct and punish but pick your battles and don't start them.

EG I read a while back about how teens read emotions differently from adults, those wierd conversations I have had with mine sprung to mind. Somethimes we will be having a conversation and he will get angry and ask me why I'm angry with him. My real emotions was something like confusion because of how he was telling me something and I was trying to get him to rewind. Or I'm just trying to remind him of something. To teen with headphones:

"Can you remember to do the dishwasher. Teen dishwasher after dinner"
"I KNOW WHY ARE YOU HAVING A GO AT ME. WHY ARE YOU ANGRY WITH ME IVE NOT EVEN HAD DINNER"
I now try and check myself and to stop those situations from escalating and may make a joke about it by laughing at myself.

I had a parent who managed to turn anything into a battle, or when they were being seemingly easy going there was often a hint of ridicule behind it. I don't have a perfect relationship with my teen but I do try and not jump down his throat when he does normal teen things. If he wants to go to his room and listen to depressing music I won't tease him (mainly because he's stolen my playlist ) . I used to get "There's Huldra going to her room to brood and be all woe is me". I won't tease him about girls and emotions. If he gets things wrong I try not to make him stand there whilst I shout about how wrong he was, instead I nudge him towards thinking about how he can fix things.

We're in GCSE stress at the moment and last week he was very antsy and over reacting. Turns out he had projects to hand in the next day and still had lots of work to do on them. The temptation to make him there and shout was very strong. I had plenty to shout about; how he shouldn't have gone out last weekend, how he's had months to finish it and he should just be doing double checking by now blah blah blah. OK I may have felt better by dumping my emotions on him but it would have made him much more anxious and hinder him getting it done.

Instead I gave him some money to walk to the shop to buy coke (the drink) and junk food, on the walk I told him to clear his head and draw up a mental plan to prioritize. We discussed if he had to pull an all nighter then that's what he had to do, I told him could cook himself nuggets or toast in the early hours if he had to. I woke up to a cheerful teen who got it all done by 1 am.

I'll save the lecture, when he's doing his A Levels we'll discuss better planning and remind him of the gcse stress.

Sorry I started rambling on that post. My answer was yes, you can. It may not always be easy but it doesn't have to be 5 years of battles and arguments. Mine can be tempestuous at times but inetween he's funny and even kind.

Great practical advice Hubra
I so agree about thinking long term when talking to them. As you said he should have prepared better and you'd have felt justified in ranting but the goal was getting the work done and your prioritised that.

I find ds1 hard work. He seems totally narcissistic and selfish and only into what he wants and getting what he can. He respects no one.
He gives little affection back to me.
I keep going, why? Because I feel a strong motherly duty. But it's harder and more painful than I expected.

Oh Huldra, I want to print your post and save it until mine is doing GCSE. Really sensible.
I need to cultivate that attitude more.

I have 5 kids and 4 of them were/are excellent throughout their teens. I wondered what the fuss was about and whether other people weren't exaggerating difficult teenage years as I saw no problems. In fact grew clser with all my sons, by far, when they got older.

Then son 4 happened. He's a hormonal mess. Wishes me dead, swears at me, you name it. Recently I had (am still in the middle of) what I hope turns out to be a health scare. He's been the clingy, affectionate one.

I guess 4 out of 5 isn't bad but yes, the older three were totally not problematic as teens - a joy to be around in fact - and my youngest is, as well. Son 4, given the same parenting - has been a nightmare. So all bets are off.

You're a wise woman, Huldra

I found the teenage years quite cruisy. I am a single parent and we are very close and there were no real teen dramas. No.3 teen was a little more challenging but never, ever disrespectful or nasty. Just pushed the boundaries more than the others and chose a different path which is fine. I just needed to understand that he wanted to do different things to the others who are academic. I am now struggling with my young adults doing what young adults do. Spreading their wings and following their dreams. I miss them.

SpareaSquare just brought a tear to my eye. And Huldra wise words.
Like motherinferior my 2 teens are very different, the older, calm and level headed younger is a bit more "tricky" and moody. It's hard sometimes but I always try to listen, and even when I am cross and tell them off I try to explain the "why". I always tell them I love them, how proud I am and how both me and DH are there for them. So far so good x You are the parent OP not your mum, so don't let her negativity invade your thoughts.

I have three dds, 22,18 & 16. This has been my favourite stage by far. It's not been without its difficulties but I've found it relatively easy to navigate. I think that is partly because I began training as a therapist around the time my first was entering the teen years. It certainly changed my outlook and my ability to empathise. I firmly believe in picking my battles and in not turning up to all the arguments I'm invited to. Also remembering that teens have a very highly tuned sense of justice and fairness and they tend to react to how you approach them. So approach ready for battle and that's what you'll get, but approach respectfully and there's a good chance you'll get respect back. Decide what constitutes unacceptable behaviour and stick to it but make sure the list isn't to long! Communication is key and the worst of the moodiness peaks around 15/16.

And to be fair my moodier one is also funny, charming and interesting - and a terrific cook !

For those of you struggling, one of my brothers was a horrible teen. I vividly remember him staying with friends most of Christmas holidays and barely able to hold back how much he didn't want to be with us on Christmas day (soo bourgois and old fashioned!)

Roll on (ahem) a few years and he is lovely, married with 3 teens of his own. They give him a run for his money as they are as strong willed as he was, but really once he reached his early twenties it was obvious he was going to turn out all right.
And he is really close to my mum and dad now too.

We have our troubles (one teen with mh issues) like everyone else but we have a great time with our 3 teens. Love sitting down to dinner with them and chatting - it can be a real laugh. We definitely pick our battles, have very much come to accept the children we have rather than the ones it would be easier to have. I think our teens enjoy being around us too.

As a very perspicacious pp said, your mum needs you to have a crap relationship with your teen so she can absolve herself from responsibility for being horrible to you. Next time she says it say "nah, I think she'll be fine - she has me for a mother which will make a big difference".

Great thread, great advice and much appreciated as ideal into the teenage years with dd. I've found what's been helpful is not going down the "oh you're going to be a teenager soon groan. ." and challenging others as me and dd agree we know lots of lovely teenagers. Of course there will be challenges, but many ifmy friends seem to expect the worst from day one which I don't think helps.

Think I might end up printing this one out!

Wow thanks for the great advice
It's wonderful to hear you can actually have a good relationship with your teens

I remember finding out hat dd was a girl and thinking oh no A bit
This is going to be difficult as I'd heard nothing but girls are awful my whole life

But turns out my dd is fab and as soon as she was born I knew we were gonna be ok
And we've always got on great
We are lucky hat I get to spend lots of time with her and we are able to spend time doing fun things too

But it's like mums trying to do the same thing again
Telling me that dd is about to turn into a horror etc

I do agree that, thats probably what my mum would like to see
I actually hate it when she starts talking about teens as it's like she's trying rewrite history
When really she's was more the one that was the problem
Everything had to be a big power struggle
Kinda like she abused the power

I've listened to every word you've said and you probably have no idea how much you've helped me

I think it would be wise for me to start researching this and maybe read a book or two now
Any partidlcular reccomendations

I think the key thing will be always sure dd knows how much she is loved and respected
And accepting that a bit of moodyness etc is just normal and will pass in time
The way we accept toddlers have trantrims but outgrow it

Thanks v v much indeed

I firmly believe in picking my battles and in not turning up to all the arguments I'm invited to.

love it!

your last paragraph os spot on, keep the love flowing.

I still like the book How to Talk so your kids will listen. There is a teen version too I think.
I just think it gives a great basis and starting point for parent child relationship which will last for teens too.

The one which is something like I hate you....but can you take me into town first? is often recommended too

You built a good relationship with your daughter. Maybe thats a bitter pill for your mother. She cant sabotage it though.
It sounds like you'll be fine. I think the thing that really helped me and DS, is that I said to him that teen years were hell, I could remember how bad it felt at times, and was on his side to help him through it.
That if he ever needed to talk he could say anything and I'd just listen without judgement. then help him sort out what he wanted to do.

Your Mum may emotionally need you and your daughter to have problems. It proves that there's an integral design flaw in Teenagers so it's being a teen that is the problem, the parent is absolved.

You 'll be fine you have it summed up in your last paragraph about accepting undersirable toddler tantrums. You accept it as a developmental phase, you will have several techniques that work for you both but you don't turn it into a character assasination.

Why are you always like that
You're such a selfish young lady
Why do you have it in for me
Why can't you be more like your friend / cousin / brother
You're so ungrateful
Why is it always you
You're are always so rude
Well off you go again with another sulk
You're so difficult

It sounds as if you may have had similar thrown at you as a teen.

motherinferior ditto - I think you might have my DC !

Thanks guys that actually really means a lot to me, feel better for chatting to you about it cheers

Thought to myself as well this afternoon, that at least when dd is older, I won't be arranging play dates
They can do that for themselves

I always think that the teenage years are like a rerun of the toddler years only more personal grooming products and a bigger vocabulary.

I have 3 teenagers and am close to them all in their individual ways. I'm very close to DD17, she's like a friend in some ways, she chose to go on holiday just me & her after GCSE's last year rather than go away with friends. We have our moments, as everyone does, but she & I are much closer than I ever was with my Mum. My Mum used to pry, go through my things in my room, read my diary when I was 16/17 and it just pushed me away. I respect my DD's privacy for that reason, I think that's important.

My other two are twin boys of 15. They aren't cuddly-close and they're pretty solitary creatures as many boys of that age are, but they always say 'love you' when they go out of the house, they are good company and funny. They do jobs around the house without complaint.

None of mine is prone to storming tantrums or anything, all fairly even tempered. If they seem a bit moody I back off & leave them to it rather than follow them about demanding to know what's wrong. Often it's nothing, just one of those days. If it's something then it comes out when they are ready to talk not when I think they should talk.