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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to my boyfriend doing this....

49 replies

Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 20:28

My boyfriends been asked by his friend to help coach a tots/junior football team (his son plays) it would involve Saturday mornings for training at the moment and maybe one week night.

I'd actually really like him to do this. The friend is lovely and the only one who also has children.

But....he already has other hobbies which take his time, he's out 2/3 evenings and Saturday mornings currently. With this he'd have to switch his current Saturday morning to a evening.

We've never had the type of relationship where either of us would say you can't or don't do something. And I'm also out Saturday mornings, only I take dd along and 1/2 evenings a week.
So AIBU to say I don't want him to do it?

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 04/05/2017 20:31

YANBU if you live together but I'd discuss what is going to 'give' to make this happen. Is it family time, another hobby...?

Mummamayhem · 04/05/2017 20:34

I think it is unreasonable, if he wants to do it (and it's with his son!) then you shouldn't stop him. If he wants to spend more time with you he will a way and if he doesn't then.....

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 20:48

We live together Thomas he won't stop his other things, but as said he'll keep week nights to no more than 3 out, they will just be longer than they are now.

Not his son Mumma it's his friends son. We only have dd who's 7 months.

OP posts:
Mummamayhem · 04/05/2017 21:01

Ah okay. But still if he wants to spend his weekends doing that then what is the point in telling him he can't? It will only build resentment imo. Surely he can see he will have less time with you both.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 21:39

He's asking though Mumma and has said he won't do it, if I'm not happy with it.

I'm torn though, I think we juggle quite a lot as it is and I'm going to uni in September so will have more on. Plus I know football usually comes with lots of extras, matches, galas etc! That come up!
At the same time. I do think it would be lovely for him to do.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/05/2017 21:45

Oh I couldn't ask my partner to not coach a tots team his son plays in. You can ask him to drop something else if you have concern about time together but not that.

pennypickle · 04/05/2017 21:48

And I'm also out Saturday mornings, only I take dd along

Your OH has been asked to be involved with tots football training on a Saturday morning. You state you and dd are out on Saturday mornings but you don't want your OH to be available for training....Have I missed the point here?

haveacupoftea · 04/05/2017 21:50

Well if he wants to do it he should. If he doesn't then he says no.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 22:01

Sorry! My op wasn't very clear. It's not his son playing bluntness we only have dd who's 7 months, no other dc. It's his friends son.

He's already out on Saturday mornings penny so he'll have to re arrange a different time for his current Saturday morning activity to fit this in.
I can take dd with me, but it's not something for her.
Currently it's 50/50 with who takes her as he can sometimes.

OP posts:
LostPeppers · 04/05/2017 22:08

The point is

  • football isn't just Saturday morning. There'll matches etc.... to at tend too
  • he isn't going for HIS son but his friend's
  • activity he is doing on Saturday am atm will be moveto another evening, one that the OP and her DP could spend together.
  • whilst he is away doing his things, the OP is keeping busy with THEIR child but she has NO time off for HERSELF unlike her DP
  • him doing the football would mean no 'me' time for the OP at all and no time as a family (evenings etc...). I would ask also want to ask when the evenings activities are, i.e. Before or after bedtime for tdc??

OP I suspect he asked you so he could say No and say it's because of you and not take responsibility for it.
I also think your organisation is very unbalanced atm. You we need to talk about it already so don't agree to another activity. It will come back hunt you in the future when he will need more and more time for the training, matches etc

Westray · 04/05/2017 22:18

It's not a case of you saying yes or no.

He would rather do other things than spend time with his own family.

And you can't change the way he feels by saying yes or no. You can't force him to want to spend time with you.

It would sadden me.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 22:24

He doesn't want to do it unless I'm ok with it haveacup

Thanks Lost they're my main issues!
At the moment he goes out after dd's bath and bedtime, which he does. So he goes about 7.30/8.
He thinks they will eventually switch to a evening football training to free weekends for matches, but then it will earlier.
And to fit his other things in, he'll probably need at least one night where he goes out earlier.
He takes dd swimming on Sunday mornings so I get me time then and he's said he won't change that.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/05/2017 22:25

How would he feel if you were out 3+ nights a week & Saturday morning when you couldn't take DD?

Does he see you as the 'default' parent? I do understand he's asking, but I actually think it's pretty crap he wants to be out that much & leave you at home with DD. Is he not enjoying being a Dad/DH?

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 04/05/2017 22:26

Westray said it much better than I did.

luckylucky24 · 04/05/2017 22:29

It won't change until a match is scheduled for 11am on a Sunday.
I wouldn't be happy with this on top of other things. He is currently out at least two evenings and will add at least another two by doing this. It's too much and you will resent it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/05/2017 22:29

Cross posted with you.

At least he's doing DD's bath & bed some nights and he is asking how you feel...but I'd still feel upset that he'd rather be out more than he's home (and that by doing that you are tied to the house).

TheNaze73 · 04/05/2017 22:30

YABU

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 22:30

We are both generally busy people Westray I don't think he's choosing to not spend time with us as such. He doesn't always think of the practicalities though, so to him a hour or two Saturday morning is nothing and he knows I'm busy anyway.
It's the other stuff, that I know will come up and I do think if you sign up for things like this you've got to commit. It's not fair to the children involved if he can't make the other stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 22:52

He'd say he's fine with it AnnieAnoni but he wouldn't think of the reality if we were both out 3 night each!!
Honestly he struggled with dd at first, but he's really great with her now. And I think the whole football thing is him embracing a 'dad' role a bit more.

He said his friend knows he has to prioritise me and dd, so if he does it he can't guarantee he could make everything. And if something comes up for me, night out etc, he'll change his plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/05/2017 22:54

But in what way TheNaze73

OP posts:
Treaclespongeandcustard · 04/05/2017 22:54

YANBU I would ask him not to OP

Spectre8 · 04/05/2017 23:05

I think you should let him, to be fair he is doing al lthe bed time stuff and then going out at most 3 nights in the week day and then it will be saturday all day he will be busy, so leaing 2 weekdays and a sunday free for spending time with. Its a 50/50 split.

Plus with you studying in Sept you will start being unavailable for almost a fair few nights too so if you ask him to cut back would he not have the same argument to say to you? Just to put it into perspective.

If your worried commitment might grow than tell him yes but if commitments increase he will need to balance it out and that doesn't mean using up any more time. So essentially drop something.

I am all for people in relationships having their hobbies and its nice you both puruse your interests and still have time for each other, remember its quality and not quantity.

DixieFlatline · 04/05/2017 23:12

so leaing 2 weekdays and a sunday free for spending time with. Its a 50/50 split

I am all for people in relationships having their hobbies and its nice you both puruse your interests and still have time for each other, remember its quality and not quantity.

If the OP goes out three weekdays and a whole weekend day as well (so... you know... actually an equal amount), they see each other at virtually no point and the DD is left without a carer for one evening a week. Sounds great! Right on!

elephantscansing · 04/05/2017 23:18

Nah. It's not for his son, it's for a friend's son.

Your bf hasn't got the time at the moment - not with juggling family commitments AND ALLOWING YOU THE SAME EVENINGS/TIME OFF AS HE HAS.

Which is only fair.

MrTCakes · 04/05/2017 23:20

Sounds like he would be spending more time out doing what he wants than at home parenting. I wouldn't be impressed.