AIBU to say no to my boyfriend doing this....

[Emboo19]

My boyfriends been asked by his friend to help coach a tots/junior football team (his son plays) it would involve Saturday mornings for training at the moment and maybe one week night.

I'd actually really like him to do this. The friend is lovely and the only one who also has children.

But....he already has other hobbies which take his time, he's out 2/3 evenings and Saturday mornings currently. With this he'd have to switch his current Saturday morning to a evening.

We've never had the type of relationship where either of us would say you can't or don't do something. And I'm also out Saturday mornings, only I take dd along and 1/2 evenings a week.
So AIBU to say I don't want him to do it?

They live together its not like they never see each other. They see each other in the morning, he puts the children to bed so there is time in the evening there too where there will some time.

OP isn't available on Saturday morning so that time in the morning shouldn't be counted really as neither are available for each other.

There are still 2 weekday evenings and one weekend day to spend time together and do things on top of the short times they see each other when they wake up and in the other evenings before he goes to do his hobbies.

If her noyfriend was shirking responsibilities like bedtimes and stuff I could see a most justifiable reason to say no but he isn't.

I am not sure. But I do know that I get annoyed with my dh for asking sometimes. Asking means I have to say no if I want him to spend that time with his family instead. I'm not his mum , I'm not the bad guy and he should choose to spend time with his family, not make it my call.

See part of me thinks it's great he's putting it up for discussion and you cab decide together.

The sinical side of me however thinks he can now make out you are stopping him.from doing things.

It's great that you both have lives outside eachother. However it sounds borderline bloke now he is basically opting out of being a parent.

He shouldn't want to he away so much.

I'd not tell him.no cos the fact he's even asked you shows he'd rather be doing it and that actually he knows it's taking the piss a bit.

I'd let him decide for himself what he feesl he should be doing as a parent

It's a tricky one - I know from experience that the time spent coaching kids football isn't just a Saturday morning thing. It snowballs quite rapidly to Saturday morning matches , weekday evening training, time spent organising paperwork, selecting teams, emailing parents, tournaments (often all day), helping at the clubhouse (maintenance etc), fundraising events, first aid training, training for the coaches, AGMs etc.

It's a wonderful thing to do, but I would ask him to consider the true amount of time it takes, it can be quite a commitment. Especially as he already has other hobbies.

Thanks all!!
I don't think he's trying to make me the bad guy or anything. We just don't have that type of relationship, he's asked because he knows it effects me too and he won't do it if I say no. He won't mood or strop if I do either.

Currently our weeks a bit like this..
Monday, he goes out 7.30/8 home 9/9.30
Tuesday, I'm out 6.30 home 7.30
Wednesday, he tries to fit a hour at the gym either tue after I'm home or wed
Thursday, every other week I go out 6-7 he goes out 7.30/8 home 10.30/11
Friday/sat/ sun nights depends on going out etc! Plus one of his things is a band, and that can take weekend night time up!!
Sat morning both out! Until lunch time.

I do have more free time as I'm home all day at the moment and he sometimes (like at the moment) works away, so he misses his stuff then.

He wouldn't be the main coach so says it wouldn't all be on him. It's the same team both him and his friends played for as kids and I do think it would be lovely to do!!
But very worried about the time!!

He will swap and change though too, if I need/want him home earlier or if something comes up for me, he'll miss nights. Thursday is late as he stays for drinks, he does and will come home earlier.

Well I echo what others have said he is an adult and he clearly upholds his responsibilties by putting kids to bed and then doing his hobbies. I think you say yes but say you have some concerns about amout of time left over and that as long as you guys get quality time and enough parenting time then the rest if up to him to manage. I think right now because your at home it resonates more but when your studying....it might not so much.

Suggest you guys agree to a dedicated date night every week - a commitment to each other to do something really nice. I did that in a relationship once and it worked well we both have something nice to look forward to and felt really special.

It's not a two-way split; it's a three-way split. His time, your time, family time.

And the 'I'm home all day' is a red herring. I take it you can't work out at the gym, go to a book group or get your nails done during that time because you have a 7 mo baby with you. Not the same as baby-free time. Now, maybe you don't need baby-free time. But if he takes up 90% of the baby-free time, that needs to be discussed.

I am not sure. But I do know that I get annoyed with my dh for asking sometimes. Asking means I have to say no if I want him to spend that time with his family instead. I'm not his mum , I'm not the bad guy and he should choose to spend time with his family, not make it my call

^^ This

He might not consciously be making you the bad guy, but that's the net result isn't it? (DH is like this - it drives me mad)

DD is pretty portable right now, but soon she will be less easy to just take places with one of you, plus she will probably start having activities that you want to take her to. In other words, something needs to give already in the future, without adding another commitment to the mix. You're already ships in the night for quite a bit of the time, I'm not really seeing much time when the three of you just get to be together...

I'd be a bit wary of the "he won't be the main coach" bit. Current main coach might mysteriously drop out once an assistant coach appears!

It does sound like you're juggling successfully at the moment. But I think this might tilt the balance. And set up a pattern that's difficult to shift later.

But I would just say something like "I can't make that decision for you, you need to work out for yourself whether it's feasible".

I am lucky MrsTerry that I can and do manage the gym, hair appointments etc through the day. My mum only works 3 days and my dads usually around, plus my grandparents are retired and happy to and capable of having dd. Come September they'll be helping out while I'm at uni though so I won't have as much time.

I'm going to speak to him when he's home tonight and am making a list of my concerns.....I'd not thought of that Stripey I doubt his friend will drop out once my bf joins, but in the future if his son stops football, I doubt he'd carry on. Wouldn't be fair on the other children if my bf then also stopped as well.

That's the thing Olennas I feel we just have so much on already! Although I'm home with dd, I do work around 10 hours a week with my mum (usually over the weekend) then if his band has a gig he can be out weekend nights with that! Obviously we both want occasional nights out too.
Now if he wanted to stop playing the stupid five a side football to do this instead.......that I'd be happy with!!!

OP I think you are missing the point.
The issue here isn't the fact he is missing out of his hobbies or that it's fair for him to do all the things he wants.
It's not the fact he is out most nights, is in a band so needs plenty of time doing rehearsals and now wats to add one more time consuming activity.
Because That's the sort of thing you do when you are single.

But he is a DAD now. What should be his priority is his dd and looking after her. That means taking equal responsibility for looking after HER, doing the shopping, cleaning etc...
I suspect atm it doesn't feel there is an issue because you are at home with her. But when you will start Uni again, when you will start working, I can promise you that you bf being away so much in the evening and weekend WILL be an issue.
Please look at the big picture and think about what is going to happen in September. You won't have any time spare in the day to go the gym. He will be out most evenings. Who is going to do the cleaning in the house, look after you dd etc..? Who will be doing the shopping for the week, wash the clothes?

He really needs to wake up and starts acting like a father that is supporting the mother of his child. You can't do that with some many activities.
Think about it the other way around. What would happened if, everything being fair and equal, yes u were spending as much time as him out of the house? Would that mean for your dd? What would that mean for the HW and so on? Would you ever consider it or would put your dd, the house etc.. first and your hobbies second??

You both sound lovely 😊

The football sounds lovely (his childhood friend, their old team, embracingbthe Dad role), so I get why he wants to do it & why you'd like him to.

You'd like him to give up the 5 a side, but he enjoys it & it's good exercise. If he wasn't doing that exercise he'd probably want to up Hugs gym time, so you probably won't gain much!

From your more recent posts it seems like, for now anyway, you get a reasonable amount of time for yourself, even if it is family having DD rather than DP. However, as long as they're happy with that, then it doesn't really matter. He seems to be spending a reasonable amount of time with her too.

I think, taking it all into account, I'd probably say I was fine with it until the end of the year/season but then we'd need to look at everything going forward. Tell him you're worried about family time, your baby free time (esp once your studying) and ending up not doing things yourself because although he would change his plans to accommodate yours sometimes, you will say no to friends if it's not important & you won't set out to make plans when you know he's out, so gradually he will end up having the freedom to do things snd you really won't.

I have a job where my hours make it pretty difficult to have a social life (evenings & unpredictable days/hours), I can book time out, but I tend not to because it inconveniences other people. I'm entitled to do it & they're fine with it, but I very very seldom do it because I don't like to inconvenience them. So pretty much the same situation you'd be in. It massively restricts my social life and I do get quite resentful. Then I feel bad because it's partly my own doing... I can totally see you in the same situation.

He's actually really good with household chores and things Lost although I'm home we pretty much split things 50/50, I do the washing, he irons, we split cooking/cleaning the kitchen each night, he does bath/bed and gives dd a bottle of expressed milk each night.
He works long hours and in a pretty physical job, but he has loads of energy and doesn't really do sitting still!

Thanks Annie
His friends girlfriend must have similar concerns to me, she text to ask what I thought of J doing it this morning. Said I was worried about time etc, she said she is too.
I'm going to meet her for lunch now, so we can talk about it!!

This may be an unpopular view, but I wouldn't mind at all if DH wanted to do this. In our family I work full time, and travel a lot, often staying overnight and even if not staying over, I am regularly out of the house for 16 hours a day. I have a second job at a football stadium which involves most weekends and some week nights, and I also volunteer.

While this all seems like a lot, I like to be busy and it makes the rare occasions where we have a weekend off at the same time more of an occasion. DS is grown now (nearly 17) but our lives have been fuller than this when he was a baby because I used to run my own company in addition to all the things mentioned above.

If your DP thinks this football coaching will help him to develop transferable skills, or will make him happy, I would say yes to it, because there will be weekends without football and they will be more valuable for their rarity.

I know it's that he likes to be busy AndNone and its not me minding him doing it, so much as the time aspect. I also like to be busy. I've just gone back to dance and am thinking of maybe training as a teacher, only I'd need to commit to more hours. It's ok while dd is small, I know my dance teacher well and she lets me take her along. But that won't be the case when she's a toddler.

I missed the bit about 5 a side earlier Annie it's a bit of a issue tbh!
He had a pretty bad injury when he played on a professional youth team and stopped completely for a while. Then he joined a adult team, but struggled with the commitment with his other stuff and his injury.
The five a side was supposed to be one night a week, just a fun kick about with his mates, somehow they joined a league and he's had more injuries in 6 months than years of proper football.

His friends girlfriend is pretty unsure too, she knows a fair bit more about what it entails than me, so was good to chat to her.
She's pretty much saying her bf has to stop the 5 a side to do it. Don't know if my boyfriend knows that or not (they play together) if he does he's kept it quite!

He's home now, but taken dd to the park for a bit. I've got a list of concerns/questions and I'll talk through them with him tonight when dd's in bed.

We had a really good talk last night!!

And he's really looked into it, spoken to the guys currently doing the tots, spoken to his old coach about exactly how much time it takes up.
I'm quite impressed really, as he'd done all that after us talking on the phone, so he could realistically tell me what it will involve.

He's even spoken to his boss, who's a big football fan anway. But he also likes to support local groups and he'd be happy to sponsor the team and will be flexible with work if my boyfriends got the football commitment too.

This first year won't be too bad, as they will be coaching alongside the current tots while they do their training and get to grips with it all. It will be next year, when they become a league team!

I'm still a bit unsure...he does seem very excited about it though.

He's promised it won't effect his time with dd and he won't be out any more evenings, if that means dropping something he will do! Although he hasn't said what!

If he used to play professionally and stopped due to an injury, it's a good thing that gets to be back in that world. It'll be very grounding for him to have such a big part of his life back.

It was on the youth team Stripey he enjoyed it but never really thought it would be his full time career or anything.
But I do think it would be good for him and he's really excited about it!

So I've agreed we can give it a go and see how it works.

He went on Saturday morning with his friend and took dd, which he's saying will be possible if I can't take her or I don't want to.
He's agreed (probably because his friends been told he has to) to stop the 5 a side league and will just go on Thursdays for a kick about with his mates, as was the original plan.
That gives him some extra evening time.

He said they plan to keep the team small, so they won't be spreading themselves too much and a few other dads who'd kids play have agreed to help out. So when it gets to the matches stage they won't have to be at everyone, they can take turns a bit.

I'm still a bit his friends girlfriend says it's galas and stuff in the summer that take up full days. He's trying to convince me, these are fun and me and dd can go along, not feeling overly convinced yet through.

Hopefully our dd, will like dance and can come with me or football and go with her dad. If she likes horse riding or something else we are screwed!!

On a slightly selfish thought. I'm hoping spending time with all those kids, might make him want another one, someday.....I guess it could have the opposite effect too though....hopefully they're nice kids!

Well, that all sounds very civilised 😊

I hope it works out for you all.

By the time DD is old enough for clubs of her own, life will look very different anyway and you'll hopefully have her siblings keeping you busy too!

He really needs to think about his injuries & whether the kick about us really worth it. My cousin was forced to give up pro football through an injury, he went the 'fun' route, but has lots of injuries...in the end his Dr was very blunt & asked him if he wanted to be able to walk, run, cycle etc with his kids & into his middle years or not?! If he did, to stop playing any kind of football! ANY including kicking about with his mates.

Thanks AnnieAnoniMouse I may live to regret it!
He's already been trying to show me videos of training tatics and looking into the different levels of courses available. I guess there's worse hobbies though.

And on the plus side, he's pulling out all stops at the moment...I came back from dance and he'd done dd's bedtime, which he always does. But he'd also cleaned the kitchen after dinner, even though it was my turn as he'd cooked. He went to the gym but was only gone 45mins, where as he's usually at least as hour or more.

Ha, he's kinda agreed to consider another in 6/7 years! It's an improvement on never or then at least 10 years though....just trying to get him down to 4/5 years!

He should be fine with a kick about, it's the league they get really rough, he needed stitches just the other week!

Oh dear god, tell him you'll injure him if he shows you any more training videos!

Make the most of him pulling out all the stops! 😁 ...and you can always remind him that no man was ever killed while doing the dishes!🤣

When you're ready for another, you'll be able to convince him the time is right. There's 101 'good reasons' for every age gap, we'll help you with a few.

Ha, I'm very tempted to do just that Annie

Tbf, he's really good with the house stuff, I can't complain at all in that regard.

I'm happy it's just no longer a definite no to another child. And sometimes, just sometimes I think he might actually quite like the idea of it!!