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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry my brother might me an abuser?

40 replies

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 20:27

He is a lovely, witty, intelligent and charming kind of bloke 99% of the time. Everyone loves him and he can put anyone at ease within seconds of meeting them.

However, he has/had a mean streak and also a bad temper.

A few years ago when he was adjusting to becoming a dad he used to smash up stuff (not people). Walls, a kitchen sink etc got damaged. I overheard him calling his wife horrible names 'bitch' etc when they would argue. He can shout so loudly it makes you jump. On a couple of occasions she turned up round mine or my parents with a black eye and both times they said their baby had head butted her. This has actually happened to me before so I know it's possible. We all just accepted this as the truth and carried on.

Also when I was younger he always wanted to test me and toughen me up by winding me up till I'd cry and tell me if I wasn't tough enough I'd be bullied. Teaching me self defence by holding me down and stuff. Then as soon as I was crying he'd tell me he loved me and I was his favourite sibling etc and apologise. This happened a lot and always out of view of other family members. I know siblings torture each other so I don't want to overreact to that but the guy is 10 years older than me!

I've just got to thinking about it now as it's the one year anniversary of me leaving an abusive relationship (after getting lots of support on mums net). I took lots of ex ps traits as normal especially breaking stuff because I'd seen similar growing up.

Am I just reading too much into things given my own past?

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 04/05/2017 20:30

Are you in a position to support his wife still? He does sound a bit of a worry.

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 20:32

I don't live anywhere near them anymore. They seem happy and he's chilled out 100%.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 04/05/2017 20:36

You may be being presented with a picture of contentedness. Who knows? Ask yourself if domestic abusers improve ever?

WomanWithAltitude · 04/05/2017 20:37

What you've described is definitely abusive, even if you believe the story about her black eyes.

Smashing things. Calling her a bitch and shouting at her.

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 20:39

I know. I love him so much and I don't want to believe it even if it doesn't look good.

They really seem like a different couple now.

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 04/05/2017 20:43

He sounds horrific. I'm sorry for you and your sister in law.

topcat2014 · 04/05/2017 20:46

On the basis of what you have posted - sounds like an abuser to me.

Normal people don't tend to 'smash' anything up.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2017 20:46

Don't be fooled. Abusers never change. Your SIL is very likely to just be hiding the abuse better.

Your brother sounds like a total piece of work. Don't be part of the problem.

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 20:50

She has changed I think in a way that accommodates him. I'm a lot younger than them and when they were first going out I saw her as a glamorous career woman. She left her job and toned down but again that could just be motherhood.

He can make you feel so special and then you hate him on a coin spin.

OP posts:

Capricorn76 · 04/05/2017 20:56

If you saw violence growing up then so did he. You are both repeating your childhoods. It sounds like you became a victim and he became an abuser. He hasn't changed, they're hiding it better

EatsShitAndLeaves · 04/05/2017 20:56

Well that pretty typical - it's how abusers real people in.

Anyone whose anger manifests itself into regular physical violence - even a wall, is a red flag for me.

Your description of teaching "self defence" for your own good screamed manipulative and abusive behaviour to me. I can hurt you because I'm teaching you a lesson. Then I'll be really nice to you and leave you utterly mindfucked about what happened.

I can't be sure of course, but in your situation I'd be very concerned about the safety of my SIL and their children.

tideishighbutimholdingon · 04/05/2017 21:00

There's nothing normal about a male abusing a female child who is 10 years younger than him.

My brother was only 2 years older than me and a crazed abuser, basically.

It took me YEARS (and loads of therapy) to work out that just because he was my sibling it was NOT ok.

I don't speak to my brother anymore. I worry about my SIL, who was 18 to his 28 when they got together. I know he was controlling from the start.

She claims he always treats her well.

I don't know what you can do about your SIL. Probably nothing.

But you can stop making excuses for your brother who chose to terrorise his tiny, vulnerable sister.

tideishighbutimholdingon · 04/05/2017 21:01

"A few years ago when he was adjusting to becoming a dad he used to smash up stuff (not people). Walls, a kitchen sink etc got damaged."

Stop making excuses like when he was adjusting to becoming a Dad. Men become Dads all the time. The vast majority don't behave like this. It isn't normal.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 04/05/2017 21:02

Might be? I think it is worrying he is in society tbh

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 21:04

I've learned so much about abuse. I was in a bad way last year and left an abusive coke head but also ended up with my own similar issues.

My brother and his family are so sorted and clean living I just can't compare the two.

Things like punching walls were normal growing up but again, it never felt abusive.

I don't want my lovely SIL to be suffering but I don't want to be seeing things that aren't there either. What I'm describing is a while ago and doesn't seem to be the same now but yes, I know that abusers don't just change.

OP posts:

Elvisrocks · 04/05/2017 21:04

Your OP set off lots of red flags for me. Your brother's behaviour is very worrying and in answer to your question: yes, he sounds abusive.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2017 21:07

The way he treated you was definitely abusive, and he knew it - "This happened a lot and always out of view of other family members." I'd go so far as to say he used you for practice .

So yes - he probably is an abuser.

Supermagicsmile · 04/05/2017 21:08

Agree with Elvis.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/05/2017 21:09

I love him so much and I don't want to believe it even if it doesn't look good.

Sounds like the reason it took you so long to leave your abusive husband is because you were groomed to accept abuse by your brother, and you were his first victim as he practiced his techniques on you before moving on to his wife. In all honesty your relationship with him is no better than with your ex and you need to reconsider it.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I think you need to as it would open your eyes to the fact that your ex is not the only abusive man in your life.

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 21:09

I hate remembering those weird encounters with him because I absolutely idolised him. I also took the lessons because I was told he was really badly bullied at school.

OP posts:

tideishighbutimholdingon · 04/05/2017 21:10

I kidded myself for years that my brother had changed, btw. I spent 20 years telling myself that he didn't mean it, was different, felt guilty etc etc.

When I finally confronted him about it he admitted it and when I asked if he felt guilty or had thought about it much over the years he looked confused and replied "no, not really". He didn't give a shit.

Abusers don't change.

Original poster

YouAreMySweetestDownfall · 04/05/2017 21:11

I did the FP this time last year. It was enlightening but I never applied it to anyone except my ex.

OP posts:

tideishighbutimholdingon · 04/05/2017 21:12

My brother was bullied at school..that was his excuse for what he did for me, when I confronted him. A couple of boys picked on him once or twice and that's why he assaulted me for years.

My parents were fucked in the head as well and terrible role models, too. It sounds like your parents may have been a little bit out-there as well.

Seriously, get some counselling is all I can say. You don't have to swallow the story of "it never happened/he's different/he's nice" etc that's probably been fed to you your entire life.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/05/2017 21:12

Maybe you should do it again but with your brother in mind.

He groomed you. There is no other word for it.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 04/05/2017 21:14

Exactly how do you intend to bring up your conclusions with your SIL? You do realise you will be stirring up a hornets nest? By your own admission you don't live anywhere near them, so you may not see them that often, you haven't expanded on that. I think you're projecting your own relationship experiences to a certain extent.

They really seem like a different couple now.
I don't want my lovely SIL to be suffering
They seem happy and he's chilled out 100%
it's the one year anniversary of me leaving an abusive relationship

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