To worry my brother might me an abuser?

[YouAreMySweetestDownfall]

He is a lovely, witty, intelligent and charming kind of bloke 99% of the time. Everyone loves him and he can put anyone at ease within seconds of meeting them.

However, he has/had a mean streak and also a bad temper.

A few years ago when he was adjusting to becoming a dad he used to smash up stuff (not people). Walls, a kitchen sink etc got damaged. I overheard him calling his wife horrible names 'bitch' etc when they would argue. He can shout so loudly it makes you jump. On a couple of occasions she turned up round mine or my parents with a black eye and both times they said their baby had head butted her. This has actually happened to me before so I know it's possible. We all just accepted this as the truth and carried on.

Also when I was younger he always wanted to test me and toughen me up by winding me up till I'd cry and tell me if I wasn't tough enough I'd be bullied. Teaching me self defence by holding me down and stuff. Then as soon as I was crying he'd tell me he loved me and I was his favourite sibling etc and apologise. This happened a lot and always out of view of other family members. I know siblings torture each other so I don't want to overreact to that but the guy is 10 years older than me!

I've just got to thinking about it now as it's the one year anniversary of me leaving an abusive relationship (after getting lots of support on mums net). I took lots of ex ps traits as normal especially breaking stuff because I'd seen similar growing up.

Am I just reading too much into things given my own past?

Yes, your brother is abusive and violent. He sounds dreadful from what you say. A dangerous man.

when was the last time u saw them

u say i think hes changed but youre clearly worried still

I'm worried yes. I don't think my concerns would be listened to in my family.

My guess is she has changed to suit him and things seem OK because she works around him.

I might do the FP again and apply it to him.

"He groomed you" - that's my reading also.

Highs and lows - keep you off balance and STILL not trusting your own experiences and intuition.

I don't know how close you are to SIL - so the following may not be appropriate, but I'd be tempted to speak to her alone and say "you know that Brother and I didn't have the healthiest childhood. I've had therapy and come to realise that behaviour I thought was normal, simply wasn't. I'll be honest, I'm was very concerned about you when I heard Brother was becoming violent when angry and I saw you with repeated injuries. I still am concerned and worried and want you to know that if you ever need support, help, someone to talk to or a place to go I'm here for you. He may be my brother but my priority lies firmly with the safety and emotion wellbeing of my niece/nephew and yourself."

My brother was abusive to me growing up. He did finally apologise the last time I confronted him. Didn't stop him pushing me over a couple of years ago and I'm chronically ill with ME/CFS (which he doesn't believe exists). He's a heavy drinker and married to an alcoholic. Shes equally fucked up with psychopathic tendencies and smashes plates sometimes etc. Theirs must be an interesting marriage. I worry for their child, who is getting massively fucked up.

In your place I'd be worried about your sil and kids.

Agree with eatshitandleaves. An alternative if you don't want to be too direct is too talk to her about leaving your own abusive relationship, how you though smashing things up etc was normal but now realize it isn't and that what went on in your relationship wasn't and never is acceptable. Although she might be unlikely to chime in that your brother is the same, it gives her an opportunity to talk about if she wants to and even if she says nothing about her relationship then at least you have planted some seeds there, enabling her to think differently about her situation. I appreciate that might be hard for you though, given the circumstances.

Fwiw, quite apart from the black eyes, being violent around someone - hitting walls, smashing things etc is regarded as dv. It's done to intimidate - this could be you - and obviously on occasion it has been SIL going by her eyes.

I think you need to wise up and stop idolising a violent bully. He's not charming he's just an arsehole.

I have no doubt that his behaviour normalised abuse for you and paved the way for your absuive relationship.

Your brother sounds a little like an old colleague of mine. He found fatherhood really tough - and whilst I never once thought he was abusing his wife or child - his temper was often out of control at work. We experienced some very angry outbursts in the office.

He's much calmer now his child sleeps through the night, he's not feeling ultra stressed about 'providing' for the family and being the sole bread winner and his wife has decided not to have another child.

He'll be the first to admit he was actually very close to breaking point - there was no support for him.

I've had some serious head butts to the face from my whirlwind of a baby, and not once has he bruised me.
So many red flags in your posts

There's no point talking to your family about it, you would have to tell them how he was in childhood and they would likely go into denial.

If anyone I would reach out to SIL.

i feel your pain OP!

My brother is abusing his wife, I know he is! I've been convinced he was an abuser since his reaction to me leaving mine and since I did the freedom programme and I've spoken up about it on a few occasions with my parents.

I encouraged my SIL to move closer to her family before she had children. He'd managed to have her 300 miles from home but also 100 miles from his family so she was very isolated as she didn't have a car when he was away working. I've talked to my SIL about my experience with my abuser at times when my brother is doing things that are abusive and she knows she can call me anytime and that despite them now living about 200 miles from me I'll happily make the trip there and back after work (which I've done a few times to prove it) so she always has a reasonably quick escape route.

My parents have found it hard to accept, accusing me of seeing thing because of my 'past', but he said something last time we saw him that horrified me and struck my father enough that he asked a woman at work how she'd feel if her husband had said it and her reaction was 'that's abusive'

I'm not sure what more we can do for SIL or what you can do for yours other than, I guess, believing them and supporting them when they see it for themselves.

I hate being in this position so I really feel for you

Got headbutted by my 10 pound nephew at 3 weeks and split my lip. I definitely am inclined to believe her story. But if you're concerned why not discuss your own experiences with her - she might open up if abused.

Could you try and open a dialogue with you Sil via Facebook or something, no mention of abuse but just making sure there is a line of communication if she ever needs to talk or it gets to a point where you feel you need to ask?

I'll try to reach out to her. Hopefully to just see I'm reading into stuff and have a brief awkward moment. Or on the flip side maybe help her.

That's a good idea