Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to sit upstairs when EXH puts DC to bed??

32 replies

Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:26

Name changed for this.

Back story - I own my house and live with my DC. EXH only sees DC at my house due to their physical disabilities. He could have them for
the day at his house but refuses. They can't stay overnight with EXH due to their needs. He comes up to put DC to bed but will not come in the house if DP is there. I used to ask DP to go out for a walk or go for a pint when EXH wanted to put DC to bed but stopped doing that as it seemed unfair to DP. So every time my DP is here on an evening that EXH wants to put DC to bed I text him to let him know DP is at the house and he always refuses to come up. I don't stop him, he just refuses to enter the house as he does not think he will be able to 'control himself' if he sees DP!!! (His words, not mine) BUT, DP will be moving in shortly and I know that is going to cause issues with EXH. He hates DP, even though he's never met him, and I am scared of him. He's never been physical with me but has threatened to kill me previously when we were arguing. (logged with police and have an incident number).

So now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to ask DP to sit upstairs in case EXH still wants to come up in the evening. DP doesn't really want to do it but will go along with what I want. I'm not even sure that EXH will come in the house but that means he won't see his DC. But part of me thinks, Fuck it! That's your problem sunshine, deal with it. So, AIBU to ask DP to sit upstairs in case EXH wants to put DC to bed???

OP posts:
JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 18:28

Don't tell DP to sit upstairs or go anywhere.

If your ex is so immature that he won't visit your kids when your partner is there, then that's his loss.

HughLauriesStubble · 04/05/2017 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 18:29

I'd be doing everything I could to stop someone who'd threatened to kill me sssing my dc!

notanevilstepmother · 04/05/2017 18:29

Your Ex needs to grow up. Your DP shouldn't have to hide in his own home.

ChrissieS79 · 04/05/2017 18:29

Move your DP in and tell your EXH to grow up or risk never seeing the kids.

He sounds like a complete wanker. bet you're glad he's EXH and not DH anyore

RebootYourEngine · 04/05/2017 18:30

Why does he hate your dp if they have never met?

I would tell him that he is there to see his kids not your dp so if he cant separate the two then he can come back when he grows up.

Dragongirl10 · 04/05/2017 18:31

OH op that is a difficult one ...very difficult..he is being an ass of course XH that is,
is he a good father and do you want him to spend time with DCs? if yes and they want to see him, l would try and work around it, but your DP should not have to go out of the house...another room door shut perhaps....

If you and DCs do not want to see him, then sod his bad attitude! Let him decide if he wants to come or not, but make sure he knows you will call the police straight away if he comes and causes trouble.

Stay safe

Original poster
Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:31

Thank you for your replies. I'm just so scared that he will do something to hurt me or DP. Lots of 'nasty friends' if you get my meaning, so I try and be as amicable as poss. Maybe I'm being too accommodating??

OP posts:
JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 18:33

You're being too accommodating. I understand your fear but you don't have to be held to ransom by this prick. It doesn't sound like he's even that bothered about seeing them!

Original poster
Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:33

Dragongirl10 he was fairly useless as a father. Not hands on at all, hence he is EX!! But I know DC like to see him.

OP posts:
ChrissieS79 · 04/05/2017 18:34

By going along with it your encouraging the behaviour. Easy for me to say, I know but I'm sure you know this already.

Jengnr · 04/05/2017 18:36

If you want to spend your life kowtowing to his whims you might as well sack off your partner and get back with him.

Doesn't sound good does it?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 04/05/2017 18:37

You are allowing him to control your life!!
Tell him to grow up and accept the situation - he is a parent so he can parent his dc. .
Without special bloody treatment!!

Original poster
Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:37

Yes ChrissieS79 I do know I'm encouraging his behaviour, but I've always tried to keep the peace. Maybe now I should just put my big girl's pants on and tell him to stop being such a Pr*ck!!

OP posts:
Shinesun9 · 04/05/2017 18:37

Sounds like he is trying to reign a bit of control over you and intimidate your DP by showing that hes still in charge
Your house, your rules Smile

Original poster
Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:39

Jengnr thank you for putting that so succinctly! You are right, it doesn't sound good at all.

OP posts:
Shinesun9 · 04/05/2017 18:39

It's also not a great example to set your DC exH needs to just be an adult and get on with it like you and Dp have had to so far

VerySadInside · 04/05/2017 18:40

Did you cheat on Ex with DP? Or is he still in love with you? Why does he hate DP?

If none of the above, then maybe have adult conversation with Ex in person and make him see sense instead of acting like 12 year old.

DameDeDoubtance · 04/05/2017 18:45

He could have them at his house but chooses not to? Stop accommodating him, he needs to start parenting his children.

Original poster
Witchitywoo · 04/05/2017 18:45

VerySadInside I didn't cheat on him with DP. I told EXH it was over nearly a year before I met DP. Don't know if EXH is still in love with me or not. Hope not!! And I have no idea why he hates DP. I've asked him and he can't give a reason! I've tried talking to EXH before about it but he still refuses to come in the house. But at least everyone has agreed he's being an arse and I shouldn't ask DP to sit upstairs. I thought it was me being unreasonable. Doh!!

OP posts:
Teardropexplodes · 04/05/2017 18:49

Don't let him in because you are scared of him. That's completely the wrong reason.
And don't make DP sit upstairs.
Your ex could see the children at his house, but refuses. That's his choice. It doesn't mean you have to open up your home to him, and put DP out of his home to accommodate him.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 04/05/2017 18:50

Your EXH hating your DP is a control thing.

I know it's scary but you need to put your DP before EXH, imagine how this is making DP feel?!

Also, if EXH had threatened to kill me he wouldn't be setting foot in my house. It sounds like he's used to getting his own way, this needs to stop.

Teardropexplodes · 04/05/2017 18:53

I disagree with very
I don't think you should try and have an adult conversation with him. From the little info we have it doesn't sound like that kind of relationship.
I'd tell him he can pick up and drop off but the home visits stop, personally.

PrincessHairyMclary · 04/05/2017 18:54

Don't let a man you are afraid of into your house. Tell him he can no longer put the DC to bed but can have them at his on XYZ day from 16:30 - 18:30 or whatever is mutually convienent. He is choosing when to see them so he can control you and keep track of what you are up to if he really wanted to see them he would have them at his own home. If you are feeling generous set up Skype/FaceTime session regularly during the week so he can read them a story and chat.

You should make them available for reasonable contact with their father and your current situation does not sound reasonable.

ohfourfoxache · 04/05/2017 18:58

Christ, why would you even let him through the door? Shock

If he wants to put the dc to bed then he needs to ensure that he has appropriate facilities for overnight contact.