AIBU to ask DP to sit upstairs when EXH puts DC to bed??

[Witchitywoo]

Name changed for this.

Back story - I own my house and live with my DC. EXH only sees DC at my house due to their physical disabilities. He could have them for
the day at his house but refuses. They can't stay overnight with EXH due to their needs. He comes up to put DC to bed but will not come in the house if DP is there. I used to ask DP to go out for a walk or go for a pint when EXH wanted to put DC to bed but stopped doing that as it seemed unfair to DP. So every time my DP is here on an evening that EXH wants to put DC to bed I text him to let him know DP is at the house and he always refuses to come up. I don't stop him, he just refuses to enter the house as he does not think he will be able to 'control himself' if he sees DP!!! (His words, not mine) BUT, DP will be moving in shortly and I know that is going to cause issues with EXH. He hates DP, even though he's never met him, and I am scared of him. He's never been physical with me but has threatened to kill me previously when we were arguing. (logged with police and have an incident number).

So now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to ask DP to sit upstairs in case EXH still wants to come up in the evening. DP doesn't really want to do it but will go along with what I want. I'm not even sure that EXH will come in the house but that means he won't see his DC. But part of me thinks, Fuck it! That's your problem sunshine, deal with it. So, AIBU to ask DP to sit upstairs in case EXH wants to put DC to bed???

build a life with the new DP ....I hear Australia or New Zealand is nice - threatening to kill you??? Just please read your post out loud to yourself in your head ...babe do it ......NOW... and then apply for the visas

I don't think you need to antagonise him. He's a nasty bastard, caution is sensible.

Just say that DP is there and when he says he's not coming in, just tell him that's fine.

Hopefully he will stop seeing the kids. They like seeing him now, they won't later when he starts getting violent with them too. What kids like & what's good for them are frequently not the same thing.

Your DP sounds nice, I hope he is 😊

I wod stop that right now, either he puts DC in bed when your partner is in the house or he does not see them. I wod be wanting my partner there for safety.

He's an Ex for a reason, he shouldn't even be coming in your house.
He chooses not to have the kids for the day at his, thats his problem. You make the kids available for him to collect and visit with, if he decides not to spend time with them, thats not your problem either.

I agree with a PP, does he want your DP out of the house because it'll be easier to intimidate you? Or worse?

All the more reason not to do it then.

Also I disagree with this trend that kids must see their parents regardless of the fact that some of them are abusive pricks.

As scary as it may be, you need to just face up to this. What is the other option? You continue to allow him to dictact to you for the rest of your DCs childhood? And how is this going to make your DP feel? Presumably not like he is a valid member of your family in a home you presumably want him to feel is his own.

Personally, having him come over for bedtime sounds preferably to him taking charge of the children.

He has to behave though. And your DP has to feel at home. That's what you have to tell your exH. He can take it or leave it.

dictate