to contact my abusive mother one last time

[Thingsgetbetter]

NC for this.

I had a pretty crap childhood. My DF left my not so DM when I was 9 and that's when the abuse started. My mother couldn't cope with bringing me and my sister, who's 2 years older, up on her own and started beating us if we so much as talked back. I got the worst of it as I would react to her abuse by shouting and calling her names. She would drag me by my hairs (handfuls would come out), punch me, bite me, kick me etc. She would tell me that she wished I'd never been born. The abuse wasn't daily. Sometimes a week or more would go by without one of her outbursts. When things were normal she'd almost behave like a normal mother. Then I would do something like tidy the house (she was very messy) and she'd come home and let rip, shouting abuse at me and beating me up, because 'she couldn't find her stuff'. Other times it would be because I was being a teenager and called her a horrible name (not proud of that). However (now) I think I was a pretty normal teenager. Talking back etc. I never did drugs, played truant, got into trouble with the law etc. Once, when I was about 9 or 10, I was eating a yoghurt and Iaccidentally spilled some on the carpet. She grabbed my head and pushed my face in the yoghurt, whilst screaming at me. She started laughing when I began to cry, brushing it off, as my fault for having spilled the yoghurt. All this time I thought it was my fault that she treated me like that. Well actually I didn't know my life wasn't normal as it was all I had known. The abuse stopped when I was 16 when I slapped her, when she came storming at me again, with her fists clenched. I went mental, shouting at her that I would never let her hurt me again. She just turned and went back to her room. And then called my father to complain about me to him (he never knew, I never told him until later in life. I was ashamed I guess). I sank into a deep depression at 18 but climbed out of it and now I'm doing pretty well. I have a career I love and am happily married. Weirdly I forgot (suppressed) my mother's abuse after she stopped. Until my mid twenties and it all came back. I then went into counselling and decided to go NC with her. Best decision I ever made. I almost lost contact with my sister too as she denies what happened and/or believes that anything that did happen was my fault for 'being naughty'. My mother once strangled me underneath the kitchen table and my sister had to pull her off me. I don't know why or how she has forgotten all of this but I guess it's a coping mechanism.

Anyhow, I haven't seen my mother for over 10 years. Now my sister is getting married, at the end of the year. And I want to be there (my sister wants me to be there too). Thing is, I am absolutely dreading seeing my mother there. I just know that when I see her I will be reduced to a 9 year old girl again who believes she got what she deserved. I know logically that the abuse isn't my fault but it's very hard to remove myself from the child in me who was always told it was my fault. So part of me still believes it. This isn't helped by the fact that I heard that my mother went crying to the rest of the family and her friends after I went NC with her, saying she didn't understand why her daughter had abandoned her. A lot of people (not all, both my GM believed me) sided with her as they'd never seen that cruel side of her that I'm so familiar with. I am scared I will be ganged up on at the wedding, by my mother, her brother (whose children have also gone NC with him, it runs in the family I guess) and her new DH, that I will get sneered at and be told I am a terrible daughter. I am scared that if she starts talking to me and pretending she's the victim I will crumble. Cry, or shout.

My aibu is, would ibu to send an email to my mother before the wedding, along the lines of: 'if you feel any regret at all for what you've done, stay away from me. You can tell others what you like about the reason I went NC with you, but you and I both know the truth'. But a bit longer and more eloquent than that of course. I just want her to know that she is the one in the wrong, and that it doesn't matter how she spins what happened between us to other people, I will never ever forget what happened, or forgive her. Most of all, I don't want her to think that my sister's wedding is an opportunity to rekindle any relationship we might have had. I need her to stay away from me. I'm so scared of losing my composure and doubting myself, being unable to get the right words out, if I have to confront her face to face.

I'm sorry this is so long!

I wouldn't send the email - it invites a response from her and the last thing you want to do is reopen lines of communication.

I would go to the wedding and just be prepared for the fact that she may speak to you... If she does, I would be light and pleasant but dismissive - so say hello back if she says hello to you for example, but I would meet any attempt at conversation with something like "This is DSs day, let's focus on her." Anything further and I would tell her she is being inappropriate and get away from her.

What's your relationship like with your sister? Could you talk to her about how you feel? Just to ask that you are seated away from your mother, not to ask her to get involved or speak to her etc... Could you explain to your DSis that you are really looking forward to the wedding and were wondering if when she does the seating plan she could keep you and DM apart to avoid any awkwardness? It's probably on DSis's mind too and she might be pleased for the opportunity to talk about it with you.

Good luck.

I literally could have written your OP, word for word, with one major difference. I went NC at age 16, when like you, I'd finally had enough of being smacked around (right down to the chunks of hair being pulled out) and the verbal and emotional abuse (I never wanted you, I couldn't even look at you after you were born etc etc) I've never looked back and I've never considered having any contact, in any way, since. For one thing my children do not need her in their life in any way. Personally, and especially since you are unsure of your sister's possible response, I'd advise you not to go to the wedding. It's taken me til my mid forties to even get anywhere near being 'ok' mentally, I certainly wouldn't be this ok now if I'd ever had any, even brief, contact in the last thirty years.
Always remember, you were the child, she was the adult. Get on with your life and don't look back.

My username may go against me here, but you were NOT an evil or bad child and you know you did not deserve to be beaten. Try and remember your counselling, or go back if you need to.

You sound like an amazing person to have dealt with this and gone on to be happy. I wouldnt email your mother, just go along, keep your head down and ask your DH to bodyguard you!

This is nearly me except that it's my dad. I didn't deserve the abuse and neither did you. Kids are ungrateful at times and selfish and badly behaved etc. I was lucky in the fact that my dad threw me out in my teens and I went to live with my mum. My behaviour did such a u-turn it's unbelievable. Yes, maybe you were being a bit blinded that your mum had to use your birthday money to buy clothes for you, but at that age you don't really understand money, bills and what can happen if you don't pay them etc.

I have been NC with my dad for maybe 5yrs (I forget the amount) but we live in the same town (or did until recently) and I have had to see him fairly often.
The first time he spoke to me I calmly said I wasn't interested in what he had to say and removed myself from the conversation. He hasn't tried to contact since luckily.
This is what you need to do at the wedding if your mum tries to talk to you.
Do not put yourself in her direct vicinity (but do not make a point of moving if she wanders close to you). If she speaks to you calmly say that your sisters wedding is not the time for this conversation and then remove yourself from her. If she starts making a scene/shouting then again, remove yourself without reacting.

You do not owe your mum anything and if you want a relationship in the future then that is there for you to explore later on.

I know what I have put sounds easy but know from experience that it can be quite hard.
By emailing you are the one opening up the communication which is not what you want.
Good luck with the wedding and try to enjoy the day

I agree that you shouldn't email.

I think you should also plan to protect yourself at the wedding. If you feel upset and uncomfortable by being in the same room and having to try to avoid eye contact (I know I would) then leave early. If she tries to speak to you and make a scene, leave early.

Do you really feel up to going to the wedding? It looks like it's going to cause more heartache than it's worth, tbh. I know you want to support your sister, but you're in a very difficult situation.

I would also second the suggestion of going for therapy, it does really help, especially when you are minimising to yourself (very common and not something you should feel bad about). You don't have to stay in therapy all the time if you don't want to or can't afford it but when you have a tricky time coming up, that flicks all your triggers, it can help enormously to have the support of a professional. Crisis are wonderful, I can't recommend them enough and I now see a therapist who has experience of childhood abuse.

What everyone else has said. Get your DH to be prepared to shield you with 'She doesn't want to speak to you. Leave us alone. It's X's wedding, don't detract from that' as needed.

And even if you were ever badly behaved as a 9 yo, that doesn't excuse or justify hitting and abuse. It's a parent's job to cope with that without becoming abusive. Your mother let you down. She doesn't deserve you.

I've been in the same position; dont email her beforehand, blank her on the day. NC means just that. dont invite dialogue, dont try to explain how you feel and definitely dont make any requests or demands as it just gives them some power over you.
See if you can get a few counselling sessions n before the day and ask your GP for beta blockers if you feel you need them.

On the day, it wont actually be as bad as you think it will. And they will be just as upset and off balance as you are.

Don't email. Go to the wedding, don't approach her, simply hold your head high, but if she or anyone else says something to goad you, reply, smiling "That's interesting, why do you say that?" Hold on to yourself, your composure. You have done nothing wrong. If anyone sneers at you, perhaps reply, smiling "I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?" (I like this as it calls attention to their underhandness...). If they say something really snidy, you could say "Oh. That's not very nice." and look away. Don't look at them when they're talking to you. Give them the absolute minimum of your attention. Smile and shrug. You do not care what they think. You do not care what they think. You do not care what they think!
If you are feeling like you're 9 years old again when you're around your family, that's Complex PTSD, and I recommend "Complex PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, and the YouTube channel of Richard Grannon the Spartan Life Coach, and the YouTube channel of Lisa A Romano.
I hate seeing my family but if I maintain a calm indifference then they cannot get me. It's knowing they can throw you off balance that makes them do it.

I'm in tears reading all your posts - and so grateful, thank you! I think going for some counselling sessions prior to the wedding - I am determined to go, with my head held high - is a great idea. I'm quite emotional as a person and it will be difficult to act a certain way on the day, but I will prepare, prepare, prepare.

It is admirable that you are prepared to put yourself in a vulnerable position to support your sister. As such, I would make her the focus of your response to any unwanted attention from your mother or assorted Flying Monkeys:

"I am not here to discuss our past, I am here to celebrate DSis's future. Excuse me."

Neutral smile. Walk away.

Weddings are conveniently full of distractions so you can use "Excuse me I see long lost friend." Or prep your husband with a similar line if you need extracting from a conversation: "Darling, I promised long lost friend that I would bring you over to say hello."

Very best of luck to you

I'm so sorry OP! I'm going to echo everyone else and say, both as someone's child and someone's parent, that ABSOLUTELY NO CHILD DESERVES TO BE BEATEN OR HUMILIATED under no circumstances.
Well done, for turning your life around and do not engage with her. She's not sorry. I'd be extremely upset if my child went NC with me and wouldn't let it rest until we talked and found a solution. Your mum didn't do any of the above except blame you, that is telling.
Good luck.

I wouldn't email.

I would just keep DH alert for people who are trying to bring up the topic so he can deflect them.

If she approaches you just say "hello" if she starts saying "doesnt sister look great" "its a lovely day" etc just say yes and walk away. most of the time in weddings there are other people to speak to/get a drink/ walk around with DH. if she starts talking about past/being NC etc say you "don't want any drama on sisters wedding day" "nows not the time" and walk away.

Personally I wouldn't bother trying to say anything to her, like "we know the truth" or "stay away from me" as you may be looking for recognition that something happened. You don't need it, you remember and it was abuse and wrong.

Don't stay late. Don't drink alcohol.

Suppose my mum and dad were so booringley normal in comparison to what some children had to put up with.

I'm not the one to advise but i wonder if the best course of action is to go, and maintain a respectful calm and see if it might be a possible to start to some sort of reconciliation between your mum and you, shes deffo not right in her behaviors and you haven't been deserving of that what did happen. Seems she is well fucked up and It will have to come from her to get that right if indeed it can be put right but if you can get the strength and courage to keep yopu cool and not let her demolish you then it might be beneficial to you.

And perhaps your sister too.

Strange as it might seem i do feel a bit for your mum whatever made her behave that way?.

I'm a mummy to a lovely girl, who's nearly 9. No way would I want to treat her this way. I disagree with physical punishment. Hands are for cuddles. My dd is beautiful and precious and special as were you.

You said your mother only changed when your parents split. I imagine your mother didn't want to treat you this way either. Her marriage failed and she fell apart. To maintain her illusion of a "good" mother, who would never hurt her children, she has convinced herself this never happened and created a victim status.

I totally agree with others, she is not going to have an epiphany. She's had the past 10 years to reach out and make amends. Instead she's entrenched herself in her fantasies and enlisted others to side against you. I agree with others that you should have a few short phrases at the ready to shut her down such as the. "Im not interested" suggested above or "That doesn't work for me". It is great that your dh will be there to protect you.

The only thing I would want to ensure in your shoes is that I wasn't sitting anywhere near my mother. So if you are able, please ask your sister to sit you apart from her.

I wouldn't send the email.

I think in your situation I would try and stay at the venue if it's possible, so that you can go back to your room if you feel you need to. I'd try not to find myself sitting/standing next to her and just generally avoid talking to her. If she did approach me, I'd keep the conversation light - doesn't dsis look lovely etc.

I say that because I think there is no point in trying with people like this. They only think of themselves, never the impact they have on others. What's important is maintaining your wellbeing.

Staying at the venue is a wonderful idea! It'll give you somewhere to go to regroup or be alone. Is ths a possibility, OP?

*this

justaboy I'm sure your advice is well meant but a reconciliation would not be appropriate here. Indeed if it goes wrong (which I guess it will seeing as the mum is in denial) OP will no doubt come away blaming herself even more. It could literally set her back years...nope not worth the risk. Having a parent abuse you, the one who's supposed to protect you and guide you and love you unconditionally as a child, it fucks with your head and has lasting ramifications in all the other parts of your life in a way I can't begin to describe

Luckily I'm staying at the venue purplecollar so if it does all get too much I can go to my room. And breathe. I'm going to reread this thread before the wedding, and take the next few months to do some healing. I've been fine up until now but I guess it'll always stay with me and at least there is help (books, youtube, websites, counselling, mumsnet!) out there :)

And no, a reconciliation will definitely never happen. My life is so much better without her in it!

Not much more to add to the already great advice here. Don't break the NC, whatever you do. Definitely worth going back to counselling for reassurance that no child - regardless of age - deserves to be abused either physically or emotionally (or both). ❤️ Logically, you know that, but sometimes we need validation to help it sink in.

Could you ask your GP for a low dose of beta blockers/anti-anxiety meds for use on the day?

I also agree re not drinking; stay alert. If possible, try never to be alone where your Mother or her flying monkeys can get to you. Rehearse a phrase in your head, e.g. "I have nothing to say; this is DSis's wedding and not the time or the place to talk about anything else."

Very best of luck. xx

I wouldn't email her. I would remain NC. That is go to the wedding but don't look at her, speak to her or about her. If you are confronted hold your head up high and walk away. Make sure you have supportive people around you. And if I were you I wouldn't drink. Good luck.

I completely agree with this, with the slight exception that if she spoke to me, for example just a conciliatory 'Hello, how are you?' 'I'd do a tight lipped smile and say fine thanks' and then try to avoid getting into any conversation deeper than 'what do you think of her dress?' type thing. Avoid any further eye contact or conversation, move politely away at the first opportunity.

With some people, completely blanking them is likely to cause an almighty ruckus and the last thing you need is a show down on your sister's day, but I guess you know her best and how you think she might react.

If it were me, and she tried to engage me in any conversation beyond an initial greeting and some a bit of small talk I'd just say in as calm and pleasant voice as I could muster:

'Mum, sorry but this isn't really a great time for us to be doing this after so long, it's awkward. For the sake of DSis, let's just go our separate ways today and not draw any attention to ourselves please.'

Try to do it with a couple of supportive witnesses there, so that nothing you do or say could be twisted or misrepresented as you trying to start a row.

And then do your best to stay right away from her. Hopefully she will have more decency than to make a scene.

I was a "difficult" teenager too apparently. About like you I imagine. Y'know the sort to not play truant or shoplift, who always let mother know where I was, reliable and dependable. I know I shouted and screamed a fair bit and she still bangs on about it to this day. I'm 46. That was all to do with my home life and not being listened to. My abuse came from my mother and I more witnessed it to my elder brother from my father, who gave him bruises from time to time. From mother it was low level abuse so not very much violence - still whacked round the face when I was 17 though. Hers was more calling and general belittling and making me feel less important than her much coveted Kenwood spatula . My elder brother was horrible to me and bullied me both verbally and physically and nothing was done by either parent. He totally denies any parental abuse. He did "apologise" but it didn't stop him shoving me over 3 years ago and I'm chronically ill, which he disbelieves and denies. He denies a lot rather like your sister.

If you weren't being nurtured or listened to, is it any wonder you shouted louder..... and louder still? My mother sounds very much like yours in that she will never ever take responsibility for her behaviour.

DH had a similar situation. He had been NC with his narc mother for several years and we were all invited to a family member's wedding (not quite a sibling but someone he's very close to). He debated about what to do. We decided I wouldn't go (MIL hadn't met me and wouldn't resist temptation to come and introduce herself!). He went, they were seated far apart and although she kept looking over she kept her distance. Okay, she spent the wedding banging on to anyone who would listen about how cruel her son was not speaking to her and whatever but no altercation occurred.

If you do email, I think I'd simply say that you will be attending but you will not be engaging with your mother. It might be better to write a letter your sister can pass on? Otherwise she knows your email address.