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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should do SOME research

45 replies

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 21:32

I have a family member who is about to give birth in 4 weeks. She is 19 and the baby wasn't planned but she is happy now and the baby boy is very wanted.

But what is worrying me is she has done no reading or research at all about either labour or how to care for a baby nor is she planning to do the tour of the Labour ward or pre natal classes. Now I know the tour or classes are not for everyone but she really knows nothing about labour or caring for a baby (at her own admission) and I feel worried for her. I did loads of reading etc in preparation for what was to come but I still had a HUGE shock at everything. I felt woefully under prepared even with all the books and the classes. She is a really lovely kind girl who will be a fantastic mum but I just worry that she is going to feel out of her depth in the first few weeks and during labour.

Am I wrong in thinking she should do SOME reading or at least have a look at the Labour ward. Did any of you do this? Or is it a sign that she is scared and burying her head in the sand?

OP posts:

WhenTheDragonsCame · 03/05/2017 21:42

I had DD1 when I was 22 and didn't read up on what to expect or do classes, I've had another two since then and still not attended a class.

I think I was in denial though and refused to talk about it to anybody. When ever the baby was mentioned I just shushed them and refused to engage. Partly i was probably scared of having a baby and partly scared of losing my job. I was admitted to hospital at 34 weeks and that was the first my boss knew about it. I was so worried about her finding out a few weeks earlier I helped her lift a fridge freezer on to the top of the large bin outside!

Does she have a lot of support? If so I am sure she will be fine and will get the information she needs when she needs it.

JustMarriedBecca · 03/05/2017 21:44

I'm 34 years old and a professional woman. I did zero reading on labour or birth because I wanted no expectations. I've too many friends who wanted a certain birth, didn't get it and then were disappointed.

Children are not overly complex. They need love and comfort. That's it. You don't need to read a book to tell you how to parent. The best parents I know have read nothing, are flexible and just go with it.

Her age has nothing to do with it.

Original poster

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 21:46

She has loads of support thank goodness. She has recently moved into her own flat with her partner, but lots of family nearby.

OP posts:

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 03/05/2017 21:47

I didn't do any research or classes and tours.

In my mind there was no point because you could panic yourself about things could go wrong, or not read about something that may happen. Its scary and new anyway and you just don't know how you're going to react until you're there. It can't really be planned.

She will have heard enough stories, spoken to enough midwives and had all the leaflets and books they hand out to know the basics.

She just has a different attitude than you, neither is right or wrong.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 03/05/2017 21:48

I think everyone has different approaches to this sort of thing. I am someone who reads all the books and does the classes and the tours, but my DH is the total opposite. It drives me nuts but he tends to do everything based on common sense and instinct and it more or less turns out fine. Is she much of a reader? I read loads but struggled getting through some of the books on childbirth... Pretty dull stuff! Does she worry about being a younger mum in classes? She might just need a different approach, like more fictional accounts on DVD from which she could pick stuff up? I was advised to watch One Born Every Minute! And isn't there a new reality tv thing about the first year of parenthood? Ultimately, I'm not sure how useful all the reading I did was... I still ended up googling or on mumsnet at 4am when I had no idea what was going on and I'm sure she'll do the same!

user1471453601 · 03/05/2017 21:48

I was 19 when I had my daughter. No classes or scans (this was in the 70"s, so not unusual). I managed just fine. Let her do it her way.

Lj8893 · 03/05/2017 21:48

I did very little research, I did AN classes and the tour but don't know how much I got from them really.

I'm now a student midwife and every woman I work with is different from the ones who do absolutely no research and the ones who have read more in depth pregnancy etc books than I have. Doesn't make the slightest bit of difference in the outcomes of thier labours, births and parenting though.

MrsMoastyToasty · 03/05/2017 21:48

When I was expecting (age 39) I mentioned to the midwife running the antenatal class that all the women there appeared to be older mum's to be and that I had thought that there'd be a wider age range. She replied "The youngsters THINK they know it all!"

MajesticWhine · 03/05/2017 21:49

Hmm. I think YABU. It's her journey and her problem. It may well be that she is burying her head in the sand, but it doesn't necessarily mean she won't cope when it's time.

Wando1986 · 03/05/2017 21:49

Yabu OP. And frankly a bit silly. Buy her a copy of Lucy Atkins 'first time parent' and leave her to it. It will answer any questions or problems she'll have.

Hassled · 03/05/2017 21:50

TBH I don't think any amount of books or tours or classes will prepare you for the reality. The head in the sand approach is as good a plan as any.

Unihorn · 03/05/2017 21:51

I did no reading, I didn't even know how to change a nappy. I soon got the hang of it after watching DH a few times
It's nice that you're concerned but everyone has their own way.

JustAKitten · 03/05/2017 21:52

I researched my planned cesarean but I did no research on labour or parenting. I figured I'd just get on with it.

DS seems happy enough with it.

JustAKitten · 03/05/2017 21:52

I had to get a lady on the ward to show me how to feed and change him!

Original poster

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 21:55

All your responses are very reassuring. I am 100% certain she will be a lovely mum but she has so far had quite a sheltered life and I didn't want her to feel totally overwhelmed. I certainly will not be intefering. After a few weeks I know she will be fine. I was just concerned about the Labour and first few weeks really.

OP posts:

Summerisdone · 03/05/2017 21:57

YABU, not everyone reads 'what to expect' type of books or goes to classes etc.
I didn't read any parenting book nor go on a tour of the ward nor any classes and I coped, as have many many other mothers before and after me.

I think for a vast majority of people having their first child it does take a bit of getting used to things, no matter how prepared we think we are.

Would you be so concerned and invested in how prepared this woman is if she was 10-15 years older or is it just because she's so young?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 03/05/2017 21:59

It's a very long time indeed since I last gave birth, but I would have hated to go into an experience as intense as that with absolutely no idea of what was going to happen. I don't think a pregnant woman needs to cram up on labour to midwifery finals standards, but it's surely a good thing to have done enough reading on a reliable website to have some grasp of what happens, common problems and how they get dealt with and in particular what can be done for pain relief.

It's also a good idea to think about feeding, I'd have thought. If you plan to formula feed, you need the equipment and you need some grasp of how to sterilise bottles.

Original poster

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 22:02

I honestly think I would feel the same about any woman in my family or any friend I was close to. It's not her age.

OP posts:

1nsanityscatching · 03/05/2017 22:13

I was 18 when I had ds1, I did no research about his birth as he was born before I got chance. Babies are pretty simple, you put it in one end and clean it up the other and the rest is common sense really. Ds thrived and I enjoyed it so had another within eighteen months. I don't really see the need to make it some sort of specialist subject tbh.

geekymommy · 03/05/2017 22:19

I'm not sure I got much out of my childbirth class that I couldn't have gotten from a little Googling. Maybe it's different if you have your heart set on using a specific method like Lamaze, but I didn't. I found the baby care class more useful.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 03/05/2017 22:19

I read every book going, attended NCT classes diligently, bought my birthing pool, etc.

All I can say is that I was totally unprepared for a crash CS and that changing a nappy on a doll is not at all like changing the nappy on a wriggling crying baby. I'd have been better off spending my money on a cleaner and some ready meals. Ignorance is bliss - if you're doing it 'wrong', at least you don't know and get yourself even more stressed about it.

frostyfingers · 03/05/2017 22:21

My twins were born 2 months early, I'd been to one ante natal class and done almost zero reading as I was planning to do that when I gave up work. Best laid plans and all that! It was fine - they're 22 now and seem unharmed by my lack of preparation!

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 03/05/2017 22:22

I was 32 when dd was born. I never went to classes or took a tour of a Labour ward.

I was hiding my head in the sand though as I was utterly terrified of having a child. My dp though kept telling me I would be an amazing mum as I wanted it so much and I started to relax and believe him.

When she was eventually born I was like a rabbit in the headlights for the first few weeks. Now I'm fine.

She'll be fine with some encouragement and support.

WyfOfBathe · 03/05/2017 22:22

I watched OBEM, read a couple of articles online and what I needed for a newborn. I considered NCT classes but they were too expensive and the hospital classes were all mid-morning which wans't convenient with work, I didn't visit the birth centre either.

I don't really think that reading books or going to classes would have helped very much and I expect reading about everything that could go wrong would have made me very stressed. It's a personal choice.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 03/05/2017 22:26

From my own observations I find that most "younger" women just get on with things and don't really have any expectations.
Older women I find have often invested a lot more money and time into their pregnancy/labour and therefore expect results from the "service".

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