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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should do SOME research

45 replies

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 21:32

I have a family member who is about to give birth in 4 weeks. She is 19 and the baby wasn't planned but she is happy now and the baby boy is very wanted.

But what is worrying me is she has done no reading or research at all about either labour or how to care for a baby nor is she planning to do the tour of the Labour ward or pre natal classes. Now I know the tour or classes are not for everyone but she really knows nothing about labour or caring for a baby (at her own admission) and I feel worried for her. I did loads of reading etc in preparation for what was to come but I still had a HUGE shock at everything. I felt woefully under prepared even with all the books and the classes. She is a really lovely kind girl who will be a fantastic mum but I just worry that she is going to feel out of her depth in the first few weeks and during labour.

Am I wrong in thinking she should do SOME reading or at least have a look at the Labour ward. Did any of you do this? Or is it a sign that she is scared and burying her head in the sand?

OP posts:

PenelopeChipShop · 03/05/2017 22:31

I read everything I could get my hands on but oddly I forgot all my best laid plans in the throes of labour...

And fortunately for the newborn stage there is now Google on phones!

I'm sure she'll be fine. Some people research some don't.

starfishmummy · 03/05/2017 22:44

I'm an older mum.I didn't have much of a clue and tbh the nhs classes I went to were not much help! But we all survived!!

chitofftheshovel · 03/05/2017 23:08

Ignorance was bliss for me. I think I viewed it as the most natural thing in the world and decided to let myself get on with it, with no expectations. It worked for me, each to their own.

user1493022461 · 03/05/2017 23:13

but I just worry that she is going to feel out of her depth in the first few weeks and during labour

Everyone does anyway no matter how prepared you think you are.

LockedOutOfMN · 03/05/2017 23:20

I couldn't go to any classes as they were when I was at work and there are no tours of the maternity hospital offered here. Nor do they have birth plans where we live, not even in posh private hospitals. We didn't buy much before baby came as we had no idea what to get but with internet shopping and a willing husband and in laws we managed to struggle through and end up with everything we needed. Don't worry about your niece, OP! As long as the baby is healthy and loved.

Original poster

witchofzog · 03/05/2017 23:30

Thank you everyone. I am very pleased that obem was not on though when I had my ds all those years ago

OP posts:

BeeThirtythree · 03/05/2017 23:30

With DD1, I had read numerous books, subscription to all baby mags, prepared for every eventuality, stocked the freezer, watched OBEM, quizzed any woman I knew who had given birth...to the playlist on my iPod being almost timed! Ended up with an EMCS, with a random song playing, came home and discovered as long as baby was fed, clean and cuddled...she did not need any of the super gadgets I had bought, nor did she want to adhere to any of the methods the book suggested.

DD2-ELCS a week after Mil passed away, travelled across country to attend funeral 2 days after we came home...
Having supportive DP will help and the girl has supportive family, own flat. Have you spoken to any other family member about your concern?

LockedOutOfMN · 03/05/2017 23:34

witchofzog
Thank you everyone. I am very pleased that obem was not on though when I had my ds all those years ago
Me too. I'd rather give birth twice than watch obem. As evidenced by the fact that I have two children but have never watched a second of obem.

VimFuego101 · 04/05/2017 00:30

I actually thought OBEM was very useful and informative. I did a 2 hour breastfeeding class, no birthing classes. I did OK. In hindsight I would have at least made a birth plan (even though they're not really a thing here) so that DH knew what I wanted and could have spoken up for me, since I was a bit incoherent. They were very keen to have me lay down and have an epidural, which, in hindsight, was the worst thing for a back to back labor. I wish I'd asked DH to help me to walk around a bit before accepting the epidural.

HildaOg · 04/05/2017 00:36

I didn't read anything about labour because I didn't want to be disappointed. My only aim was to walk out healthy with a healthy baby. So labour was great fun with gas and air... And when I had to go for an emergency csection, my thought was us both coming out alive not 'oh my birth experience has been interrupted...' and then I was pleasantly surprised at how neat and small my scar was...

I know a few who plotted their birth to the last breath and they all had some kind of emotional trauma due to it not going the way they wanted.

Baby books for how to care for them post birth on the other hand are probably a good idea. If I was doing it again I'd read one...

geekymommy · 04/05/2017 01:05

It's also possible that she has done some research, but doesn't want to talk with you about it. I try to avoid the subject of child care and discipline with people if I don't know that they more or less agree with my approach. I know I'm very unlikely to change anybody else's mind on that, and I don't really want to argue or listen to them telling me to do stuff I'm not going to do. Or maybe she finds you intimidating.

sobeyondthehills · 04/05/2017 01:46

I did loads of reading etc in preparation for what was to come but I still had a HUGE shock at everything. I felt woefully under prepared even with all the books and the classes.

Maybe you felt under prepared because of the books and classes?

I didn't do anything, and yes of course I felt under prepared but name me a parent that doesn't. Every pregnancy, every labour, every baby is different. The only thing you can do is make it yours and your baby.

Lynnm63 · 04/05/2017 01:46

I was 36 when ds1 was born, I'd barely even held a newborn. I knew I was having a csection but that was it. Twins were prem and the day twin one was coming home the midwife had to teach me how to make up a bottle as ds1 had been exclusively breastfed and I'd never made formula or sterilised a baby bottle 😳.
We managed and all three are still alive!

geekymommy · 04/05/2017 01:54

I read a LOT of books. I'm still winging it as a parent, just like everybody else.

notangelinajolie · 04/05/2017 02:02

Sometimes less is more.

Everyone is different. We learned as we went along. No birth plan, no classes, no books, no mumsnet, no friends with babies and very little family help. Me and DH did it together and it was fun. We took it all in our stride - before and after birth and we did fine.
Yes, it's sometimes good to prepare but I believe that over planning is far worse.

Bloodybridget · 04/05/2017 03:31

Surely it won't make any difference to her labour and the birth whether or not she's visited the ward? I've often wondered if any woman since, say, 1970 has had a child and brought it up without reading a single book about it!

DrQuinzel · 04/05/2017 04:30

Haven't rtft. I I had DD at 22, not planned and with a man I hadn't been with for that long. I am too laid back for my own good and therefore barely finished an Emma's diary page let alone anything else. I followed my instincts when she was born and managed to breastfeed for 2 years, cosleep and everything else that came naturally to me. I think it did my mental health the world of good as I was able to go with the flow instead of worrying about things that may or may not happen. Some people need to feel informed and in control, some people don't. She's doing what works for her, it's her body and her choice.

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 04/05/2017 06:56

I went to NCT classes and to be honest I don't think I learnt anything from them that I didn't get from the midwife at antenatal appointments. If she's going to her appointments she should have some idea about labour, pain relief options etc. And I don't think it's rocket science once the baby's born. Could you take her out for coffee and let her know you're there if she has any questions? And if you're worried that she really hasn't got a clue and isn't engaging, perhaps you could make her up a starter pack - nappies, wipes, muslins, dummies, towel, vests etc just to give her a leg up? (I got a present like that in a lovely box and it was very welcome!)

Susiethetortoiseshellcat · 04/05/2017 06:59

I have a one year old and did no research and pretty sure my hospital didn't do tours, etc.

As someone said babies are not complex and most of it is quite instinctive in the first year. You also get quite a bit of support when the baby is actually here from the hv, children centre classes, etc.

I think, as you have had children, you should have a conversation with her about it. Perhaps ask her about any birth plan she might have? To be honest it all changes once you're in labour anyway bit might be good for her to be aware of the different options she has.

Also support once the baby arrives will be the most useful thing you can do for her.

Susiethetortoiseshellcat · 04/05/2017 06:59

I have a one year old and did no research and pretty sure my hospital didn't do tours, etc.

Also support once the baby arrives will be the most useful thing you can do for her.

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