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AIBU?

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Original poster

how to discuss a second child without arguing

51 replies

RoseGoldProsecco · 03/05/2017 21:20

i am 39, 40 before the end of the year. one DC, conceived at 37 on first attempt, who's 20 months.

we both definitely want another, but differ on the timing. dP thinks we can wait a year or two and accuses me of putting arbitrary time limits on it. my view is that you don't piss around and wait when you're already 39. it is impossible to discuss without an argument.

help - what can i say?! he simply won't listen to any of the medical stats. he has some good points about timing (we want to move etc), but i don't think they outweigh the risks of waiting.

OP posts:
monkeysox · 03/05/2017 21:26

If you're going to try it needs to be soon really. Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 03/05/2017 21:28

What are his objections and is he correct that a baby would prevent it?

Original poster
RoseGoldProsecco · 03/05/2017 21:37

he doesn't want to be in a flat (large but only 2 bedrooms) with 2

he's the sahp and says he wants to wait until the older one is a year older

these are the 2 main points really. the first is easily resolved to me: we can always rent somewhere bigger whilst deciding when and how to make a much bigger move. but he doesn't like the sound of that either.

OP posts:
Underbeneathsies · 03/05/2017 21:39

Go for a baby immediately.

If your DH won't oblige, use a sperm donor. You're already geriatric in childbearing terms when you're 36.

His sperm aren't up to much so to speak when he's older and the risk of having a child with a disability go up exponentially with every year. There is a proven link with older fathers and having a baby with autism, and other disabilities. It's not just old eggs you have to worry about.

Got a move on with your baby.
Things will work out with your house move, and financially.

You need to send him to a fertility clinic to wank in a cup talk with someone who'll beat him round the head with the indisputable facts of fertility, and the dangers of conception at an advanced age, for the father and the mother. He sounds rather ignorant about it.

Tick tock.

FlouncingInTheRain · 03/05/2017 21:40

A year older from when? If its from now, you'd do bloomin well to go from here to baby within 12 months.

Cheerybigbottom · 03/05/2017 21:43

Perhaps as the SAHP he's saying he can't take care of two little ones and would like the first child to be older?

Oysterbabe · 03/05/2017 21:44

Maybe encourage him to do his own research on the stats? Like for example how the downs risk at 39 is 1:110 but at 42 is 1:55. And really that's the tip of the iceberg of increased risk factors.

Cheerybigbottom · 03/05/2017 21:45

Oh sorry he has said he'd like your first child to be older! Sorry. Really, as the main caregiver he has the right to be heard on this point. It's just hard being with small kids for even the best parents.

Honeybee79 · 03/05/2017 21:45

If you both want another and just disagree re timing, go for it now. The practicalities can be worked out and it might take longer this time anyway.

Nor sure how you help him understand that tho!

cheminotte · 03/05/2017 21:45

If you definitely want one, I'd agree you should start TTC now. Likely to take a bit longer and if it doesn't the gap will still be 2.5 yrs.

Lelloteddy · 03/05/2017 21:47

If the roles were reversed and you were the SAHP there would be OUTRAGE at suggestions you should have another child you weren't ready for. MN double standards again.

CharlieSierra · 03/05/2017 21:50

Go for a baby immediately.

If your DH won't oblige, use a sperm donor.

WTF? Jeez I've read it all on here now!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 03/05/2017 21:51

Thought the exact same thing lello.

Get a sperm donor? Mature commemt.
Just start trying now? Like bringing a baby into the relationship is a lone decision. He's expressed desire too wait.

ChickenBhuna · 03/05/2017 21:51

It's tricky. I'd try to find a compromise with the SAHP situation and see if that's what's on his mind.

Waiting a year is a risk so I understand your concerns.

museumum · 03/05/2017 21:53

As he's the sahp you really can't ask him to care for two very young children if he doesn't want to.
You need to talk about his minimum age of the older child. I'm guessing maybe 3 so they get free nursery? But you will take some maternity leave won't you?
Talk about this in detail rather than just argue to ttc now.
Personally despite all the fertility risks I do not think you can basically force someone to sahp two under 3s if they don't want to.

C0untDucku1a · 03/05/2017 21:55

Can you make an appointment to see a fertility expert to discuss actual options etc?

museumum · 03/05/2017 21:56

Although, If you got pregnant now your older child would be nearly 2.5. If you can take six months maternity that takes you to age 3 / free nursery hours before dh is left home with both.

Either way the discussion needs to focus on the reality of life with two little Ines rather than on the fertility statistics imo.

PunjanaTea · 03/05/2017 21:57

How about framing it in terms of the future and how old you'll both be when the child is 18 and going to uni.

It's quite easy to get caught up in the now and babies but sometimes thinking down the line can add a different viewpoint.

OlennasWimple · 03/05/2017 22:00

If he gets this angry about discussing a second child, maybe he doesn't really want another one but isn't entirely sure how to say it...

Grenoble124 · 03/05/2017 22:01

I fell pregnant first time round easily. Second time I used an egg donor. I am 38. Even if you try now you ars not guaranteed a second child. I used to count nine months away. How naive I was then. Your dh should only wait if he will be happy with one child as it is a huge risk.

Original poster
RoseGoldProsecco · 03/05/2017 22:02

it's just so tricky. i do see his point of view about having 2, but even if i got pg tomorrow (unlikely as we're not speaking right now!!), DC would still be heading up for 3 before i went back to work.

but i just don't think we'd have the luxury of waiting, just because the first came along easily. he's a bit younger but not much!

have suggested fertility expert. might try that again, thanks.

it sucks being a woman sometimes! men just don't have the same biological time restrictions.

OP posts:
slightlyglitterbrained · 03/05/2017 22:04

What would your DP feel about having only one child? What would you feel? Both as a "we waited then it didn't happen" but also as a "we tried starting tonight and it just never happened anyway"?

What would you both feel if contraception failed and without either of you making a decision, you discovered you were pregnant tomorrow?

Smitff · 03/05/2017 22:08

It's simple: does he want potentially only one child more than he wants to wait for the reasons he gives? And what do you want more?

If you want different things, that's the thing to argue about, not timing.

ClodTheGoat · 03/05/2017 22:09

That must be frustrating for you. It's not arbitrary timescales, it's medically correct that chance of conceiving will reduce over time.

Maybe tell him chance of twins increases with age? (Joke -sorry no practical advice x)

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 03/05/2017 22:55

@Underbeneathsies that's probably the most insincere, irresponsible and mean-spirited reply I've read on MN recently...and there's been some competition! Shame on you.

OP - that's a really tricky situation Flowers. I can completely understand your valid fear about age-limited fertility, but equally your DH's opinion, especially as the SAHP must be taken into account as much as your own must too. Unfortunately this is a situation that could potentially lead to real and relationship-changing bitterness from either side if a mutually agreed solution isn't decided on. Is it possible that there are deeper issues such as your DH feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or bored by his SAH role? I think @C0untDucku1a 's advice about a fertility expert is excellent, and I would also be tempted to go to some relationship counselling where you discuss both of your fears and desires in a guided and neutral session. Good luck OP - I hope you find a way forward!