how to discuss a second child without arguing

[RoseGoldProsecco]

i am 39, 40 before the end of the year. one DC, conceived at 37 on first attempt, who's 20 months.

we both definitely want another, but differ on the timing. dP thinks we can wait a year or two and accuses me of putting arbitrary time limits on it. my view is that you don't piss around and wait when you're already 39. it is impossible to discuss without an argument.

help - what can i say?! he simply won't listen to any of the medical stats. he has some good points about timing (we want to move etc), but i don't think they outweigh the risks of waiting.

Can you afford to pay for some nursery time? Is DH's main reservation the difficulty of coping with a smallish age gap? agree to rent somewhere bigger now and then start trying?

I see your point, I wouldn't want to wait longer for your sake, the baby's sake. But I also see that if he's feeling overwhelmed that may be why he's digging his heels in.

If he teally does want another as you say he would be stupid to wait as there's a reasonable chance of it not happening, or happening more slowly or requiring interventions.
The speed it happened before is no guarantee. I have also got pg quickly but it didn't work out. Threads here on secondary infertility abound.

I agree with you on the health points. But it's his body and you have to respect his right to veto being a father when he's not ready.

I'd take the DIY suggestions with a pinch of salt too. It's very easy to advise abandoning a relationship and going gung ho from behind a keyboard.

Personally, I think he doesn't want a second child and he's hoping to 'wait you (or your biological clock) out'. I assume he's not ignorant, he knows the difficulties and dangers around conception/childbearing after 40. If he really wanted a second child he'd be thinking 'Well, it's going to be rough with two so young, but our chances of a successful pregnancy and a healthy child mean that we don't really have the luxury of waiting. I really want two children, so I'll just have to suck it up for the next couple years, it'll be worth it in the end".

Do what I did and trick him. Only way.

Underbeneathsies Hahahahahahaha!!!

Phyllis is that you?

I don't know what costs are like but could you perhaps have some embryos frozen? I think that's the term, sorry I've never dealt with it so don't know much about it but it seems a good compromise. Your DC is only young I don't think you should pressure him to try right now

ohgosh I really hope you aren't serious

Does he actually want another child?You need to both be honest abut how much you both actually do. If he really does want one, TBH, you may need to get a move on or may not happen at this stage in your life. He may not really want one, in which case, this is another discussion entirely.

Are you actually sure he genuinely does want another at all?

I think he's trying to kick it into the long grass. SAHP of two or more is very different to being at home with one. I agree you are right to be worried about timing. I'm just not sure he's as on board as you think. 2.5 y hardly a small gap. Hope you find a compromise.

I think if you can't discuss it without arguing then now's not the right time to have another. It's hard enough when the baby is desperately wanted let alone if one of you isn't really up for it?

what's the issue with only having one? would it be such a big deal if you only end up with one child?

It would for me, yes. I know we are v lucky to have one, but I want a second. And I want her to have a sibling

Please don't wait. So many of my friends around your age have had secondary infertility - some eventually successful in conceiving, some not. It was unexpected as they had no problems first time around.

Hope you can agree with your dp.

Surely there is a compromise - wait 6 months?

Xmas - I would like to start trying in September. He is adamant he wants a second; we are house hunting and he keeps talking about "the kids' bedrooms" and schools for both kids; he has a list of names and he also wants a sibling for DD. He just seems utterly convinced that we should move and sort out jobs first, and then that DD will be a bit older, making the stay at home stuff easier.

And I just don't think we have that time. If I were 29, no problem!

I fell pregnant very quickly with my son at 31 years old. I fell pregnant again v quickly at 34. Sadly I misscarried the baby. Then, it took 10 cycles to conceive my dd at 36.

As pp have said, it gets harder to conceive the older you get. Increased chance of disability etc.

Having a smaller gap between dc is advantageous in some respects - older one may still nap for example.

Maybe worth showing your partner this thread....

Best of luck to you and your partner

It is a very different thing being a sahp to two compared to one.

Have you discussed whether he would continue to be sahp and how long for. One argument for a smaller age gap is the sahp is in a position to go back to work earlier

hm seems fixable to me - you need to look at ways of mitigating the increased effort of being a SAHP to 2 children for him.

We have a 4 year gap between ours and they scrap like a pair of cats. There's no perfect age gap - plus DD had longer to be on her own and really resented DD2 for ages.

He has to want to compromise though, I feel sorry for you, I completely understand what it's like to desperately want a sibling. Yes only having one is fine if that's a choice you've made, otherwise you're allowed to not want that!

The two positions aren't incompatible. 1. Must try asap due to fertility. 2. The sahp is wary of a small age gap.

What are DH concerns about? If you ask he to be specific then you can listen and address those concerns together with a sensible plan e.g. use nursery, remortgage now etc.

I'd be tempted to let the subject go completely for a couple of weeks and let him have time to think about it. If you want to start ttc in Sept your dc will be nearly 3 at the absolute youngest. That's not a small age gap. Your eldest will get 15 or 30 free hours when 3, so many people aim for that gap for that reason.

I wouldn't panic as it sounds like you and dp do want the same thing - he's just being more confident / unrealistic than you.

After all the worrying you may well fall pregnant immediately. It took us 9 months to conceive dd1. We aimed for 2-3 year age gap and I got pregnant with dd2 in 2nd month and had exactly 2 year age gap. It was actually very difficult as dd1 was a real handful then and had stopped napping. If we'd realised we might have waited for a bigger gap. You just never know.

Thank you xmas! Everyone has been great but you've been particularly comforting.

I will shut up about it for a week or two and then try a more measured approach