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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - quality time with partner.

29 replies

owletta · 03/05/2017 18:33

It has been bothering me for a while that DP and I don't really go on "dates" anymore, and I've been wistfully reminiscing about the early days when he used to arrange lots of nice things for us to go and do. I think I'm feeling a bit neglected, and this has just felt like the final straw and really pissed me off.

DS is on a residential trip with school next week. Five days away. I had been looking forward to being able to do "child-free" things, like going to dinner/the cinema on a weeknight, etc with DP. Sleeping naked. Having sex in the lounge! All the things you can't normally do when there's a wee one in the house.

Anyway, DP didn't realise the dates of DS's residential and is now booked to go on a training course with work for the same week. He'll be staying away, so I'll be home alone for the week. No big deal, but I am a bit disappointed. It'll be great in other ways - no-one to cook dinner for, a totally tidy house and so on, plus I can go and see my friends in the evenings instead.

HOWEVER, we have this Saturday night without DS, and DP has just called to ask if I'd mind if he went fishing with his mates.

AIBU to be pissed off by this, when he's already away for 4 nights next week with work? Or am I being a bit needy?

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 03/05/2017 18:35

Yeah I would be annoyed about the fishing thing. Is everything ok otherwise in the relationship? He's not trying to avoid you is he?

CMamaof4 · 03/05/2017 18:38

He sounds very thoughtless op yanbu

QuiteLikely5 · 03/05/2017 18:41

Ask him to reconsider his fishing trip

Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 18:46

As far as I'm aware, everything else is fine in the relationship apart from my little gripe about not really "dating" anymore. He has accused me of being controlling in the past so I'm really trying not to be and we are both doing more with our friends now. I think that's why I'm struggling to see if I'm being a bit needy and unreasonable here or not.

Sorry to drip feed, forgot this part when I wrote the post. He also asked yesterday if I'd be ok with him going away on a long weekend with friends in a few weeks. I said I'd rather he didn't as I'm having an operation 2 weeks before and we don't know if I'll be driving by then, and I'm also doing a degree part time and the weekend away is right before my exams (so I'd like him to be around to help with DS so I can revise).

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/05/2017 18:50

Oh op Flowers that's such a shame, I would feel the same, yanbu

Though i would expect/hope my dh to look forward to the first week off in, what, 9 years too, and want to spend it mostly with me. Is there a backbstory?

LilacSpatula · 03/05/2017 18:52

The long weekend with extenuating circumstances I agree with you but a sat night? I'd go out! Also, why don't you organise the first 'date' and tell him the next one is for him to sort. Take it in turns Smile

HermioneJeanGranger · 03/05/2017 18:55

He asked if you were okay with it - if that were me, I would say no, I want to spend some quality time with you without DS before you go away with work all week.

What did you tell him when he asked?

HermioneJeanGranger · 03/05/2017 18:56

X-post.

Why has he told you you've been controlling? What are the circumstances around that?

Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 18:57

That's a good idea about taking it in turns about date nights.

He's currently ignoring my calls after we argued about the fishing trip Hmm

I think I will just tell him to go fishing and then do what someone suggested and go out myself. It'll feel enforced if we spend Saturday night together now anyway I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 19:02

When he mentioned fishing, I said something along the lines of "Oh. Ok. Yes, go if you want to". He could tell from my tone that I wasn't best impressed. I tried to explain, it got heated and then my phone signal cut out. He hasn't answered my call since.

Re me being controlling.... I don't like being at home alone on Saturday nights. His friends go out drinking a lot, mine are more settled. So I asked that if he's going out on a Saturday night, he gives me a week's notice so I can also make plans rather than him ditching me last minute on a Saturday evening. I hated it when he was going out and leaving me sat in doing nothing, which I know is wrong on my part. The week's notice thing was supposed to be a compromise so that he still gets to go out, but I can also plan other things and not be brooding on it! That's where the "controlling" part has come from.

OP posts:
witsender · 03/05/2017 19:06

Yeah, a week's notice is a bit off.

Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 19:23

Yeah I get that's a bit of an "unusual" deal but it seemed to be working for us.

Like I said, it's hard to know against the background whether I'm being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 03/05/2017 19:36

The long weekend would be a real problem, when you are trying to revise, and have just had an operation
He sounds very selfish.

HermioneJeanGranger · 03/05/2017 19:39

A week's notice is a bit off tbh - I can see his argument on that one. It's obviously not working for him if he's not happy about it.

Why can't you arrange to do things with your friends or find a hobby to do so you're not reliant on him for entertainment?

I would feel really stifled if I had to spend Saturday nights with my partner just because I hadn't organised myself a week in advance!

HildaOg · 03/05/2017 19:43

He's extremely selfish and isn't contributing to the relationship. Personally, I'd find someone that wants to spend time with me. He obviously doesn't. It's not controlling to expect your partner to love you, spend time with you, take you on dates, woo you... You shouldn't have to beg for it.

PNGirl · 03/05/2017 19:49

Hmm. My husband is my favourite person to spend time with, so we tend to want to spend Saturday nights together - takeaway and film, cinema, etc. It sounds to me he views his time with you at home as "empty" time he can fill with other things, a bit like a teenager. A week's notice is a bit much but I'd be upset if mine was merrily filling his weekends like you're his housemate.

MuncheysMummy · 03/05/2017 19:50

He shouldn't want to go out on a Saturday night leaving you home alone!

Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 19:50

I do worry that I'm stifling him as he was single for a long time before me and has always been a free spirit, likes to go out to pubs socialising etc. But so do I! It's obviously a different scenario when you have a child though.

If he decides he's going out at the last minute then it gives me no opportunity to arrange something myself, to invite a friend over etc if that makes sense. To a degree that's not his problem but who wants to spend a Saturday night sat in alone?! I thought the week's notice thing was a compromise.

OP posts:
Original poster
owletta · 03/05/2017 19:52

PNgirl that's exactly how I feel about him, but I'm not sure it's reciprocated. I guess he thinks we see each other everyday but I'd just like a bit more than our routine weekday evenings on the sofa!

OP posts:
AfroBrown · 03/05/2017 19:53

You should tell your husband that your plan was to sleep naked and have sex in the lounge all week, but now that he is away you have to have all that week's fun on Saturday night. If that does not keep him home nothing will

DaniHood · 03/05/2017 19:53

OP - YANBU.

I cannot believe the number of posters saying a weeks notice is " a bit off"

Thats ridiculous. Any couple or family should plan things in advance the majority of the time, unless you are both 14 and wanting to go out with your mates every night its silly. We have so many child classes or play dates or family events we probably need to plan 3 months in advance just to find a free afternoon!

I also think its really out of line him getting the dates wrong for the week your son is away, i would not accept that.

We use a google calendar and a written one in the kitchen and try to sit down once a week to plan the week ahead or any major dates. We both work shifts and travel although it still isnt perfect you need to take the lead on managing this if he isnt. To me that is in no way controlling, you need to plan things around each other.

I am sorry OP but I think he is being incredibly selfish and i would feel he doesn't want to make any effort .

Janeinthemiddle · 03/05/2017 19:54

Sounds like you just need to communicate more with your DH. Why not organise the dates and tell him about it rather than expects him to plan it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 03/05/2017 19:55

Could you alternate weeks? One week you do what you want, one you spend together? I just think expecting someone to plan things a week in advance because you don't want to be alone is a bit unfair - I don't know what I'll fancy doing that far in advance.

I don't think he's wrong for wanting to see his mates on a Saturday night tbh - presumably they're also busy with work/kids during the week?

C0untDucku1a · 03/05/2017 19:55

He cannot possibly go away on the weekend. You need to revise. Going would look like sabotage to me.

C0untDucku1a · 03/05/2017 19:57

A week in advance i xont have a problem with. We Have a family calendar and we put our nights out etc on it is usually waaaaaay in advance. Ive two for august and one for november on it already Grin

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