to be highly offended and deeply upset by my 'I'm so painfully right on' neighbours attitude towards DS?

[grouchyoscar]

DS is 3.7, chatty, intelligent. big and blustery but just over 3 1/2

We live in a Victorian Terrace with a shared back yard and private gardens beyond. It can be difficult as you can feel that we're all in each other's pockets at times but it has it's benefits and you learn to take the rough with the smooth.

Today we're out playing, loads of DS's toys in our segment of the yard and we're sharing them with next door's twins (2.5)

DS spots a ball that used to be his but we passed it on to the twins. He has a meltdown for it and will not listen to reason. He asks me, the twins and next door's mum for it back. Calms down a bit about it.

Other neighbour, who paints herself as painfully right on comes out to plant. DS approaches to tell his troubles. I detect she is prickly so I try hard to get him ollut of the waqy when she turns to hin abd says (loud and sternly) 'My vegetabke garden is my peace and quiet. I don't want to have to spend all summer in doors' and 'Whenever you appear there is always chaos'

WTFF...How f*ing dare she. I appreciate DS is a big handful but that is offside, especially directed at a child when it was obvious his mother was trying to take him from the situation. Does she forget what a handful her ADHD son was when he used to come round?

I brought him in saying I appreciate her point of view but HE IS ONLY 3.

I feel lousy, judged as a bad parent and viewed as a poor neighbour. I am none of these. Am I being unreasonable and what do you suggest I do?

don't let it change what you do in any way - she sounds like a sour bitch.

poo to her with knobs on - and you can tell her that from me.

She's 36 ish and a little bit up herself tbh/ I'm sur we can all do a good line in 'life's been a bitch to me but I've managed and aren't I amazing?'

Thinh is her huseis the 1st on the yard and we have to walk past it when we come in the yard.

jodie, i did not excuse the woman's behaviour to the child, that was out of order. think the OP in this instance is quite entitled to be angry, but i can't get over how many people on this thread are operating on the basis that the child should be treated with more consideration than the adult. why should she move house in order to get some peace?
if you share a yard, you share it. and that means teaching your children to keep it down if there are others about who might not want to hear loads of noise (which quite clearly is what the OP in this instance tried to do).
i hate this assumption that your precious children's happiness is actually more important than your neighbours' it's so uncivilised. take them to the park.

nasty old witch, if she goes off on one again tell her to live somewhere with her own garden.

yes the child should be treated with more consideration in this instance. We were all children once, and hopefully we were allowed to play freely and develop to our full potential by being allowed to do so. Children shouldn't be hamstrung by being told to 'keep it down'; so long as the children are in the house for dinner and bed at a reasonable hour, that's fine; adults have quiet time after 7pm to enjoy their garden; I don't think it's reasonable to expect more.

Specific things like kids behaving anti-socially, or older kids banging footballs on walls, that's not acceptable. But young kids of 3 - it's not appropriate to tell them to be seen and not heard. And not reasonable for people not to expect to hear kids playing in a garden.

sunny, i'm not saying that she was in the right, but i well remember being told by my mum to keep it down in our private garden because it would disturb the neighbours, and my ability to self-express has not been harmed as a result.
i think that everyone coming on here saying that she's an old witch etc etc and suggesting ways to further torment her are ridiculous and worrying.

At 3, though aitch? That seems age inappropriate and nigh on impossible to me...older kids, yes I can see that it's no harm to help them to think about their impact on others, but at 3 I think that's too much.

I just think how does this woman exist in the world if she gets so vitriolic about toddlers playing fgs?!

"my ability to self-express has not been harmed as a result"

it could however explain your inability to urinate while sitting in a car seat?

But I don't think kids should be told to pipe down all the time.

Not because it's a stress for them (they'll forget to pipe down 2 minutes after you've told them anyway), but because it's a stress for the person being expected to tell them to pipe down every 2 minutes. It smacks of teh "children should be seen and not heard" mentality that we have in this country. And it puts people under the stress of feeling they can't use their garden, because their children might behave like children, shock horror. (I do actually know someone who very rarely uses her garden because she's so worried about the neighbours being disturbed by normal children's noise.)

as i've said many times, i'm not really too fussed on this example. the child just went over to speak to her, and she shouldn't have been horrid to him. and i'm not sure how unpleasantly noisy a three year old can be, in fact i rather like the noise of young children playing.
what worries me is the reductive 'children have a right to play wherever they want/make noise/disturb everyone' response. children don't pay that woman's mortgage and she's got as much right to enjoy her home and garden as they do.

Message withdrawn

In what way could you be seen to be unreasonable? Just cos we're British, we don't have to feel apologetic for another adult's bad behaviour.
Whether you choose to confront her or let it lie, you shouldn't feel it has anything to do with you personally. It is entirely her problem.

I'm totally with AItch on this one .. I think she speaks much sense

I hate this pack mentality when everyone rounds on someone for daring to speak to our children .. yes she was probably in the wrong but she was making a clear point and was probably in a bit of a bad mood and I think you should give her a break

but yes OP has the right to be upset about it

we had our neighbours say last yr that the boys were on their little cars banging into the fence alot..........they were one and two yrs old. there play area is down the other end, but we had the decking so we can sit and relax, so i calmly explained that obviosly i didnt encourage it and would tell them not to, but they are children, they are noisey and i refuse to feel i cant go out in my garden with them to play. if they have a problem, stick in ear plugs ffs, its not like they are in a war zone. some ppl forget what kids are like.

Message withdrawn

But I'm sorry, if you share a garden with someone, you have no right to view it as "your" sanctuary.

It's a communal space. Not a sanctuary.

I don't understand the right on bit either, btw

Message withdrawn

I throw mine out into the garden and stay in the house.

I am assuming the 'painfully right on' thing means the neighbour is sort of 'I'm so caring' in a holier-than-thou way which would make the whole affair more irritating, rather than there being any direct connection IYSWIM.

Not sure about the right-on bit either.
I know the sort of shared yard/private gardens beyond set-up as a relative has one. She and all her neighbours do work on the principle of communality in the yard, but gardens beyond are private. And there are children of various ages too.
The neighbour should not have snapped at your ds, but if he wandered in to her private garden then if I was her I would get a good, firm, spring-loaded gate for it and try my hardest to be pleasant to him and to you in the shared yard.
I think it is entirely reasonable to be upset by her behaviour, but she needs to accept, especially as she is a mother herself, that little children make chaos and noise - it's in their job descriptions!
How old is her son now?

no but hang on

the OP's kid was being friendly and chatty.

She wasn't even telling him off for anything specific, she was just having a go at him with "Whenever you appear there is always chaos".

Damn right he's only 3. ffs. She sounds utterly miserable.

if you chuck beer on her vegetables it will attract the slugs.

Weed killer!!