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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague reading boss's messages.

38 replies

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 17:32

I define myself of heteroflexible and am currently in two relationships: one with a male, one with a female. The male relationship is your 'typical' relationship, although he works away a lot, whereas the relationship with the female is more sensual, nurturing and a little bit sexual. She's 40 and I am 28. [Please don't judge me on any of this]

She is a senior partner in a company I do some work for. I hold a long-term contract with them and my terms, payment and working hours are dictated by my work schedule and set out publicly for anyone I work for. So there's no way my relationship could enhance my work or career. I am my own boss. She is one member of the management team. Senior management know, but no one else in the company do. Or at least no one else in the company did until this weekend.

On Saturday I was working elsewhere and responded to a text that was sexual in nature (both the original message and the response). I did not realise she was still in the office. We were away together for Saturday and Sunday night and now looking back I did mention in a jokey kind of way she never responded and she said she didn't receive it, but when she looked later the message was there. Neither of us thought anything else of it.

I got into work yesterday and a colleague asked me how my weekend was and specifically started to ask some quite proving questions which made me feel a little odd. I did realise that one of the words used was an uncommon word that I'd used on the text... I brushed it off.

This morning the colleague (who's very openly gay) asked me out as she "now knows I'm gay; I've seen the evidence". I declined, but questioned why she would think that I was gay and she basically came out and said she'd read the text message after a bit of probing. My partner had had her phone on her desk and she'd read it through the notification screen. Now I don't think she could have read the full thing, but she's clearly read enough.

AIBU to tell my partner (her boss?) that this has happened? She currently has no idea about any of it. I feel pretty uneasy because of the content, but also I feel like it's an invasion of privacy. On the other hand I don't our personal lives dragged into the office, which is why I am wondering if it's just OK to tell my partner, but not make an official complaint?

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 17:35

Not ideal that your colleague saw it.

But I wouldn't have my personal mobile out on the desk at work.

And if you were sending those messages to her work phone (which is why it was on the desk) then it's probably not the done thing.

Original poster

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 17:39

"But I wouldn't have my personal mobile out on the desk at work."

Really, not even if it was charging and on silent? I don't know if that was the case, but I often have mine plugged in on silent on my workspace.

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 03/05/2017 17:40

Personally I would tell your partner. I'd probably also resend it so you can see the notification message and how much of the original message was displayed.

Is your partner openly out at work?

Original poster

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 17:45

Yes, my partner is openly out everywhere (I am not).

Thank you, I hadn't thought about resending the message. We have the same phones so I will send it to myself to see how much I can see.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 17:46

SexualFlexual
Nope. Not out on my desk. Inside my bag or if I need to charge it I tuck it in my top desk drawer. I'm at work so there's no reason for me to have my phone out. (If there's an emergency then DH has a work number and he'll get put straight through. Only saying that because "but what if it's an emergency" is usually the reason given)

But maybe that's me and nowhere I've worked had had a culture of personal phones out. Always in bags or desks drawers, checked periodically.

LurkingHusband · 03/05/2017 17:47

Really, not even if it was charging and on silent? I don't know if that was the case, but I often have mine plugged in on silent on my workspace.

Do you not lock it ? The potential for mischief if you don't is scary.

If you do lock it, then why do you have it set to display messages when locked ?

Meekonsandwich · 03/05/2017 17:47

That is really bad!!! That an invasion of privacy. No one should be reading any messages on phones, computers that aren't addressed to them private/personal or not. Yes I'd tell her.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 03/05/2017 17:48

Of course you should tell your partner! The colleague acted terribly in all ways - reading the message, approaching you about it, asking you out... no.

And of course it's fine to have your mobile on your desk at work, if your workplace allows it. Most places do now.

LadySalmakia · 03/05/2017 17:50

Given that your partner didn't see the notification I would guess that the nosey parker actually went into the phone and yes, you should tell your partner straight away. It's slightly sticky because of your relationship but no one should be going through anyone's phone in the office, that's a management issue she'll want to keep am eye on.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/05/2017 17:50

No she should not have done that
But then again shagging the boss could be viewed dubiously too
As could be sending sexy messages in a work setting

I don't know OP - I would mention to your partner /boss and advise that more discretion is needed ? Let her decision de how to handle it

Moreisnnogedag · 03/05/2017 17:51

My workplace allows us to have phones out when we're not in front of patients. Bloody hell, in our morning meeting, practically half the room have their phone out :)

Moreisnnogedag · 03/05/2017 17:52

Oh at least your partner is out, at least that's one less concern. I think your colleague is a bit ick tbh thinking about. Who approaches someone when you know they already with someone else?

ClodTheGoat · 03/05/2017 17:53

Tell your partner in case she's subject to gossip etc.

I don't think you'd have grounds for an official complaint - phone was out and colleague saw message pop up. It's not like she hacked into her emails or anything.

I have my personal phone on desk but sadly I don't get any sexy texts, if I did I'd probably keep my phone out of sight.

noitsnotme · 03/05/2017 17:53

The fact that your partner has no recollection of reading or opening the message, but it being in her inbox suggests that the colleague opened it, does it not?

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 17:54

Three -
Mine doesn't ban mobiles out. There are times I've had to check more than usual due to DH being ill.
But it's not considered to be great if you're sat with your phone in front of you. You're meant to be working.
The people I've worked with who have their phones out and near all the time are the first to complain about work and also the least productive (that might just be because next to nobody does)

Agree on what someone said about not having notifications and message previews to display on the lock screen.
Ditto about sending sex messages to your boss on work time.

Moreisnnogedag · 03/05/2017 17:59

The complaint would be that they acted on it by making suggestive remarks and asking the OP out. It's crossing a line I would have thought.

Original poster

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 18:37

The point that has irritated me is that she was reading someone else's phone. It's also because it was a pretty explicit message and I would have thought that if any decent person had read it they would have pretended to not have seen it given the contents. The sleeping with the boss bit as well but I guess that's my own fault.

I can't check how much she saw as if I send it to myself it comes straight through as a message rather than a notification on a locked screen.

My partner by the way is very productive - super driven and shit hot at her job. She doesn't usually work Saturday's and whilst I knew she was going in for 'an hour or so' this was hours later. We don't spend our time messaging each other during work hours each day. The most that happens is she calls me 'Poppet' if we are in her office alone.

I do get that shagging a boss isn't exactly ideal but it's a bit late for that now... I will speak to her later tonight, and I'll keep my phone in a bag in future - thank you for that suggestion.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 18:52

If it's a Saturday and she doesn't normally work Saturday so just popped in informally then I'd take back my phone on desks thing.

Reading it may not be malicious e.g. Friends round and a phone goes off on the floor and I glance, realise it's not mine and get on. I've definitely seen openings of messages from friends. It's almost like we're conditioned to turn and look.

I think you're looking for malice where there isn't any.

Original poster

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 18:56

"I think you're looking for malice where there isn't any."

That's what I was wondering, if I am actually just making a big deal out of nothing and should just let it slide without mentioning it.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 18:59

I think the phone went off, they glanced at it, saw part of the message on the screen and then made an unwanted advance towards you.

Not ideal. But not malicious.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/05/2017 19:00

You need to let her know that one of her staff is an idiot. And a snoop.

Kokusai · 03/05/2017 19:01

I always have my phone turned face down at work - or turn the notifications on to notification only, no text showing.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/05/2017 19:05

The most that happens is she calls me 'Poppet' if we are in her office alone.

Tbh she shouldn't be saying that anywhere at work.

Original poster

SexualFlexual · 03/05/2017 19:05

I wish the phone had been turned down! Or was in a bag.

Arghhh

OP posts:

Teatowelfairy · 03/05/2017 19:10

Surely if they'd just seen part of the message on the screen then your partner would still have received the message as normal as it wouldn't have been opened.
The fact that your partner was unaware of the message, the other person deliberately used the same unusual word as you, and also now saying they've "seen the evidence" suggests that she has deliberately read both messages. Otherwise your partner would still have seen the notification and for all the other woman knew you could have sent the message by mistake.

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