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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or would this annoy you?

37 replies

Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:30

I think my mum's being a bit insensitive here.
My sister got a new job yesterday, she hasn't been working for a while, but she's been helping family, pick ups from school, looking after Older family etc.
My mum volunteered her to look after my dog so me and my son could go on holiday with her and my dad. Hmm
Now she'll be working so won't be able to do it, so I just told my mum I won't be able to go. No problem.
Mum just spoke to sister and said Ferris just said who's going to look after the dog and who's going to pick up from school.
I could hear my sister's silence on the other end of the phone!
This is made worst because I haven't even congratulated my sister on new job yet. She got told yesterday and I knew she was coming here today.
I just feel really bad for my sis.
She's trying to get her life back on track, she's had a few ups and downs recently.

I think my mum is becoming more and more insensitive, she's really upset me over the last couple of days about my ds, thinking she knows better me, whilst being amazing helpful with other things. I really don't know how to tackle this.

OP posts:
MamaHanji · 03/05/2017 10:35

She sounds like she's stirring. Yanbu to be annoyed at that. Hopefully your sister had noticed the increased in insensitive behaviour and you can speak to her and clear it up.

Batgirlspants · 03/05/2017 10:36

I think you and your dsis need a proper adult relationship and stop involving or allowing your mum to interfere.

Littlecaf · 03/05/2017 10:37

Ring your sister and sort it directly, don't let your DM organise your life. (Even if it's well intentioned!)

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:39

Er, we do have a proper adult relationship

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 03/05/2017 10:40

Your mum volunteered her? That's nice of her! And because she can't look after your dog you don't get a holiday?!

Can you not find a pet sitting service or borrow my doggy etc rather than being a martyr because your sister can't help you out?

DJBaggySmalls · 03/05/2017 10:41

Talk directly to your sister. Dont enable your mother, she shouldnt be making arrangements like that. It will give you less to worry about.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:43

Being a martyr?
I'm not complaining at all that my sis can't look after my dog.
I thought it was a bit off that my mum volunteered her, but we do all look after each others dogs, so it wasn't a big deal, except that my sister might have wanted to come on holiday

OP posts:
Frouby · 03/05/2017 10:43

Just call your sister and say you are booking the dog into kennels.

It annoys me that people have pets, want holidays and expect all and sundry to look after their pets. Kennels aren't particularly expensive, is part of the cost of going away and all dogs should be used to 'holidaying' in kennels in case they ever need vet care overnight.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:44

My sister will be here later and we will definitely be talking about it.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 03/05/2017 10:44

Why is all this going through your mum? Just call your sister and congratulate her on the job. That's why it sounds like you don't have s proper adult relationship, it sounds like everything is through your mum

Oldraver · 03/05/2017 10:46

Just talk to her and make sure she knows your thoughts and that it was your Mum sticking her oar in.

My Mum is a stirrer and she doesn't realise my DB actually talked as we both knew what she was like

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 03/05/2017 10:48

Sounds like your Mum is too involved in her daughters lives

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:48

This isn't about me having a holiday, it's about my mum thinking that my sister should have thought about the rest of the family. No she shouldn't. She got a job, she accepts it, the rest of the family should be able to sort their own commitments. It's not down to my sister to look after my dog, or pick up my brothers kids from school. It was nice that she could do it when she wasn't working. But she's not obligated

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2017 10:48

Why did you accept your mother volunteering your sister and then telling her on the phone something that you had not said?

Talk to your sister directly and tell your mother not to put words in other people's mouths. In particular don't accept anything from her regarding anyone else. Sort it out with the person involved directly.

This is why you're being a martyr. You're complaining about your mother but doing fuck all to sort it out.

Lweji · 03/05/2017 10:49

it's about my mum thinking that my sister should have thought about the rest of the family.

Tell your mum that.

Nonibaloni · 03/05/2017 10:50

I get what you're saying OP. When someone isn't physically at work for whatever reason (self employed, part time, student etc) they can quickly become a handy helper.

I speak as a student who has just been informed I'm doing the family childcare in the summer holidays so everyone can save on childcare. As it happens that was my plan but I did not appreciate being informed.

Talk to your sister, explain that your mum assumed a lot. Tell her that it's not her problem what you do with your dog.

Respect the helping she's being doing in a "how will we get on without you" type way.

Now I am away to deliver a present to dms friend which she forgot to put in the post 🙄

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:52

It's not really 'going through my mum'
This was first thing this morning and I was out last night and hadn't had a chance to talk to her.
We are a close family, we all talk, we have holidays together, or a couple of us, or separately too, dogs too!

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2017 10:52

You were there when your mother rang your sister. Why didn't you correct her then?

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:54

Lwejl- harsh
It only happened this morning! I don't really see how discussing it here is being a martyr.
I will sort it this afternoon with my sister

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 03/05/2017 10:55

When you are in a situation it feels and looks different than it does to outsiders. We have a different perspective.
Its not a sign of closeness if one person is running around organising everyone, and you then have to do some explaining to smooth things over.
How would your Mum react if you told her to stop it?

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 10:58

Because sometimes, lwejl, in the moment, you don't really know what to say, or you don't think fast enough.
If I had pointed out that it would hurt sis feelings, then my mum would have been upset.
For upsetting the feelings of both her daughters.
That's kinda the problem. We are going to have to find a way to tell her that she's being insensitive, but no way is it intentional.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/05/2017 11:05

Seriously, you don't have to have a big discussion about "hurting feelings".

You could have just told your sister over your mother that you had sorted the dogs and not to feel bad about her work.

And you have to stop accepting her volunteering other people. When she does it, just tell her that you will ask them directly.

And why didn't you ring your sister right after that conversation to clear it up, instead of posting it here?

Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I have a sometimes similar mother and the trick is not to accept her interference. No need for big emotional conversations.

Original poster
Ferrisday · 03/05/2017 11:07

I have rang my sister and text her

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 03/05/2017 11:11

Ferris

FWIW I don't think you are being a martyr, or being unreasonable.

You are a family - it's a bit bleagh! your mother volunteering your sister's services as dog sitter (rather than saying "I'll ask FerrisSister gif she minds") but your sister could have said she didn't want to, so I assume she was okay with it until she got the chance of a job.

I do think it's VERY unfair of your DM to imply that you are pee'd off because your DS can't look after the dog. Of course she can't and you know that and accept t, and are just delighted that she's back to work again.

You didn't sound very upset at missing a holiday with your DPs - are you fussed on going? If not, INSIST on staying at home - you can then have a night out with your sister and she can tell you all about her new job, too. (If she lives near you, you can even have her tea ready for her the first night Grin )

And to whoever said "Kennels aren't that expensive" - decent ones bloody well are!

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2017 11:12

Oooh your mum is a bit of a stirrer!

Talk to your sis later and make it clear that what she said was NOT comign from you and that you're a bit annoyed about it.

Don't let her come between you.