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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a heavy smoker near my newborn?

34 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 03/05/2017 09:31

I've got a 3 week old baby, DM us coming to visit to meet him. Her partner is a heavy smoker and always reeks of cigarettes.

AIBU to ask DM not to bring her partner when she visits?

Baby spent two weeks in hospital with breathing problems so I am extra paranoid.

DM's partner is someone I've only met a few times so it's not as though he is extended family to me.

OP posts:

ProudBadMum · 03/05/2017 09:33

You could ask him to not smoke before he comes. Any decent person would understand and if they wanted to meet would listen

Thefabulousfeminist · 03/05/2017 09:34

YABU

UnbelievablyChocolatey · 03/05/2017 09:36

YANBU at all. But I suppose it depends if he's going to want to hold the baby. I wouldn't mind so much him being in the same room but I wouldn't want him holding the baby

MuncheysMummy · 03/05/2017 09:36

Shower and clean clothes before he sets off to visit and absolutely NO smoking between then and entering your home/vicinity of the baby wherever that will be. Wash hands before touching baby too that's what protocol my very heavy roll up smoking MIL had to follow up f she wanted to see DS

GahBuggerit · 03/05/2017 09:38

If the partner is a heavy smoker then whatever you imagine there will be stuck to him will be stuck to DM as well so unless you are going to ask DM not to come as well then I think YABU.

Maybe just ask him to wash hands, take coat off as soon as he comes in, have your windows open and ask him to not smoke while hes there, and if he wants to have a hold of baby maybe orchestrate a convenient nappy change after 5 mins or so.

I cant imagine any harm will come to baby if you do all of that fairly easy stuff. Otherwise like I say you may have to ask your DM not to come either if you are concerned.

Congratulations!

ExPresidents · 03/05/2017 09:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, and I say that as a former smoker. I gave up smoking because I didn't want to harm my baby by smoking when pregnant or around them as a newborn. Why would I make that effort to then hand them over to a heavy smoker for a cuddle?

Your baby has had breathing difficulties, even if she hadn't YANBU, but considering that, I wouldn't have him near her! As you say, he's not even someone who's close to you.

PhyllisNights · 03/05/2017 09:45

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. Just be honest with your mum and tell her that you don't want her partner to come round. She should understand given the circumstances. It is your baby and he is not blood related.

FrenchMartiniTime · 03/05/2017 09:53

YANBU

Even without the added worry of your child's breathing problems I wouldn't be happy with a smoker holding my newborn.

Explain this to your DM and if she has any sense she'll agree.

BillyButtfuck · 03/05/2017 09:54

My twins were in NICU and special care after they were born and I told my sister that if she wanted to visit she would need to shower and put on clean clothes after she smoked in the morning before coming to the hospital if she wanted to hold them.
When we were at home and they were still a little poorly we had a big pump tub of anti bac hand sanitiser on the coffee table for guests, it was one of the NICU nurses idea and really put our minds at rest for the first few weeks with all the visitors.

Buck3t · 03/05/2017 10:00

Not remotely unreasonable. But that's not the issue. It's having the courage to tell DM and her DP that her DP is can't come within smelling distance of your baby. That I'm afraid I have no idea how to broach that subject. Good luck and I hope DM and her DP do not take it personally.

I suppose you could say it's the government guideline.

jojo2916 · 03/05/2017 10:02

There will be no more chemicals on him than if you walked with the baby down the road with traffic fumes, rural areas are rife with nasty chemicals due to pesticides etc and even the sea air at the beach is not great due to high chemical waste , cleaning products can be pretty nasty and are in the air in most buildings there's not a lot you can do unless you live in a bubble so unless he's smoking around your baby yabu to stop him seeing your baby.

IamWendy · 03/05/2017 10:02

Yanbu. Baby lungs are like butterfly wings, so so delicate.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/05/2017 10:03

YANBU. MIL had very, very limited contact indeed with ours as babies as she was not prepared to wash hands/change top etc or refrain from smoking before seeing them.

I keep saying this, but future generations will look back on our (even this generation's) attitudes to smoking, particularly around children, in about the same way as we look back on leaving babies to scream at the end of the garden, not using car seats, and putting brandy in babies' bottles.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/05/2017 10:03

And I include third-hand smoke in 'smoking around children'.

MusicToMyEars800 · 03/05/2017 10:08

YANBU, I was like this with both my dds, I didn't want them to be around smoke when they were babies.

Mrsmadevans · 03/05/2017 10:09

YANBU at all , it is your baby and you need to start off as you mean to go on . If you don't lay the boundaries now then you will have this all the time while your little one is growing up. Congratulations btw and enjoy your beautiful baby op

gillybeanz · 03/05/2017 10:14

I wouldn't allow smoking around a baby, but depends on how long their visit is.
If the partner smokes outside and then washes hands it won't harm your baby.
YABU but it's understandable why you'd worry.
Will he be handling the baby, chances are he won't get a look in with your dm.

BillyButtfuck · 03/05/2017 10:15

Hi DM we are really looking forward to your visit. Having done some research into it, if Your Partner is planning on coming with you and meeting DS could you please ask him to ensure he has a shower and clean set of clothes on after smoking. With DSs breathing issue and the danger of third hand smoke it is really important to us, I'm sure you'll both understand.
See you soon.

silkpyjamasallday · 03/05/2017 10:38

Ugh it's such a difficult situation, I have an in law who is a heavy smoker and she also smokes in her kitchen and car. I didn't want to cause a massive fuss (she took up smoking again due to suffering two significant losses in the last year) but I had to when she seemed to think it was ok to hang over the buggy with fag in hand in the kitchen, she still tries to smoke by the door but inside, luckily DP is more forthright with her. She smoked in the car despite saying she wouldn't after insisting she gave us a lift somewhere even though we have our own car, got in with DD and I realised it absolutely reeked. I wasn't happy about her going in anyway as the smoke lingers in the seat fabric but that she thought it was ok to smoke just before we got in with her blows my mind, no better than smoking when the child is in the car which is illegal. DD had a little cough for a feed days after and she has never been ill before. I'm an ex smoker so I'm not just bashing smoking in general I just can't believe the selfishness, I will have an occasional cheeky one if we are on an evening out and DD is being babysat but not when I'm around her. I don't let the relative hold DD if I can help it because of this, which I feel terrible about but I would feel worse if DD developed asthma.

In your situation where your DC has already had breathing difficulties I would just be honest, say you are not comfortable with her being so close to smoky fabric due to her recent issues. If they throw a strop so be it, better that the smoker doesn't come over anyway to be honest. Anyone with half a brain would understand your concerns and respect them. Smoke clings to hair and clothes so is different from car fumes and other pollution as you are covering yourself in smoke every time you light up.

silkpyjamasallday · 03/05/2017 10:42

Oh I forgot, now DD is a little older she has started crying when people visiting smell of smoke and tries to wriggle away when they are holding her. Our whole house stank after FILs last visit, he picked her up out of her bouncer, I hadn't got her out as she was perfectly happy and didn't really want him to hold her when he was clearly emitting smoke fumes, she made her own objection very clear so I just said she was fussy and took her to bed for the remainder of the visit.

user1493759849 · 03/05/2017 10:45

'Babys lungs are like butterfly wings.' That sounds so cute.

YANBU anyway OP. Your baby, your rules. People smell vile when they have just had a ciggie. (Sorry smokers. JMO.)

Gillian1980 · 03/05/2017 10:59

Yanbu.

My dad smokes like a chimney. He showers, changes etc before visiting as he knows my feelings on it. He leaves after a couple of hours absolutely gasping for a cigarette!

My child, my house, my rules... never been an issue.

Onynx · 03/05/2017 11:11

Yanbu at all. Could you just say in light of her breathing issues the hospital / paediatrician have advised you that you must not in any circumstances let her near smoking visitors or second hand smoke? Make it that you are simply following instructions?

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 03/05/2017 11:18

Maybe while she's tiny and has breathing difficulties, but after the first few weeks I'd think you were overreacting a bit. Assuming he's not wafting an actual cigarette over her. I've always thought the benefits my DD gets from a relationship with her relatives hugely outweighs the tiny risk from the smell of smoke on clothes. I would have missed out on some of the most important relationships I had as a child if my mum had 'protected' me from smokey aunties and uncles.

GahBuggerit · 03/05/2017 11:18

The issue is the DM aswell though as she'll also have the smoke/chemicals lingering on her also so if op goes down the road of absolute no due to second hand smoke then this also applies to the DM surely?

I think better to be insistent on clean clothes, washing hands etc.

What's your relationship like with DM? Is she likely to agree with you or be a bit funny? I guess how she would react would dictate how I'd handle it (but as I say if I was so concerned about a heavy smoker being near my baby then that logically has to apply to those living with the heavy smoker. I suppose someone living with a heavy smoker is the same as if they were a normal smoker themselves in terms of what they will have lingering on them)

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