Aibu to take DS to Slimmers World?

[ILovedThe90s]

DS is 11, is 4ft 8in tall and weighs 58kg (I'm 5'4 and weigh the same). He's more like his dad in terms of body shape and his dad has battled with his weight his whole life. His dad doesn't eat all day during the week, just eats one meal in the evening, to maintain his weight.

I have been really concerned about his weight gain since the start of year 7. Over the past 7 months he has been seen by a doctor on 4 occasions, twice by his GP and twice at the hospital because I wanted to rule out any underlying conditions (all ruled out).

The GP said he was too young to diet, it's about making healthy choices and exercise. DS knows about making healthy choices, but I think he must be secretly eating because I hardly ever see him eating unhealthily. He exercises a lot, he's really active and enjoys being outdoors. He's not into computer games and doesn't have a TV in his room.

I told GP (when DS was out of the room) that DS felt sad about his weight so she referred him for counselling - he attended 2 sessions and was discharged as he's fine. GP also gave me a contact for a local children's lifestyle weight management service, but they told me they were closing due to their funding being stopped. His secondary school don't have a school nurse, I did enquire.

The hospital doctors wrote letters to the GP saying they advised healthy eating and exercise, which wasn't actually true, they didn't address his weight and I didn't ask because DS was in the room and I didn't want him to hear me voice concerns.

I feel completely unsupported by the NHS, they just like to tell me he's obese and then leave it to me. DH and I haven't a clue about dieting - I've never needed to and DH just doesn't eat to lose weight.

So Aibu to want to take DS to the children's version of slimming world, Free2Go (aimed at 11-15 year olds)? I would go with him. Or would I be giving him a complex? I'm just so worried about him

I don't know what the answer is but I don't think slimming world really wants people to get thin, their business model is based on people going for year and years. They are there to make a profit and I wouldn't trust them with my 11 year old.

So your DH who also has a weight problem wants junk food in the house. Bingo! There is your problem.
You need to cut out all junk food and look at diet and importantly portion control. It is very easy to have a skewed idea of this.

I'm personally worried about your husbands diet tbh! I think as a family you need to change your attitude to food. If your husband maintains his weight by eating one meal a day then that meal must be pretty large, is he eating the same evening meal as your son? Generally children eat in a similar manner to their parents, does your husband eat a lot at the weekend when your son is home?

Your DH sounds like he has some serious food issues going on so it's no wonder your child does too! You need to address the eating habits of the adults in the house before you start trying to change your child's. How is your DS ever going to learn what actual healthy eating looks like without seeing it in action?

I have absolutely no self control. People would never guess that about me, because I am extremely slim, but it's true.The only way I maintain my weight is by not having junk food in the house. I think your husband is being unfair by continuing to keep unhealthy food around your son. Going to a slimming club might encourage your son to learn more about preparing his own, healthier meals - which is never a bad thing in the long run. But it sounds like your son knows that he has your support, which is really wonderful. I was an overweight child/teen, and I always felt hopeless and useless. My parents made it clear it was my fault I was overweight, and that I should be the one to fix it. It's a horrible feeling to wonder why everyone else can manage to eat normally, but you can't.

The Free2Go is aimed at kids, and the old people there would be the parents

Free2Go is not a separate class for kids and parents, you and DS will attend a regular class with all the other paying members. He will just be following a different plan.

If you decide to go, the leader won't (or shouldn't) discuss his losses in front of the class, he won't get applauded for a big loss or counselled if he gains. The emphasis for DS will be on sticking to plan and making healthy choices.

Or at least that's how it should be, it depends on the leader.

I went to slimming world once and it was just a bunch of people obsessing with food before they regain their weight. I thought it was a very unhealthy mentality because it puts you at war with your body and creates an obsession which isn't there in healthy people.

Cut all the junk from the house, reduce his portions, feed him healthily and make sure he's constantly active. A healthy, active lifestyle will make the weight fall off him and create a healthy mentality that will stay with him for life.

Slimming groups don't work. They make their money based on the fact that most of their members regain more weight then they lose and need to go back and do it all over again.

I went to SW once lost nearly four stone have kept it off for ten years still go to group which is full of people successfully losing weight (and some who are struggling). Slimming groups work they make their money based on the fact that most members lose weight go out and tell all their friends family and colleagues who then, if they need to lose weight, join the group. Your one experience fails to make you any sort of expert. The middle section of your post post is great just cut out the judgemental bullshit Hilda and you're good to go

This is interesting as my DH is similar, buys them treats on a weekend, also only tends to eat once a day and sort of eats crisps and things at weekends. It is frustrating. The DCs are not overweight though or would be worried as well.

So what I do is try and only have healthy stuff in the rest of the time, so they can have things like cheese yoghurt or an apple for a snack, I don;t tend to go for low fat things and they do have full fat milk, as think carbs are more of a problem to be honest.

I feel for you though as it is especially hard when your partner is not on board, I think they get entrenched attitudes from childhood as DH's parents are the same, food is a treat etc and bring choc bars and the like. DH also has this habit of having biscuits with his tea every morning before breakfast and giving them to the DCs (then they don't want breakfast) which is really annoying and again, a habit from childhood.

I wonder if as your son is overweight maybe a talk to your DH from a doc / nurse or some type of thing might help. What about those weight things from school, letters they write.

I wouldn't do slimming world- they are about profits and calorie counting rather than healthy eating habits. Simple habit changing can make a difference, even things like walking to school rather than having a lift, can be good daily exercise, going on bike rides together or long walks at weekends, if he's not into sporty after school clubs.

Also I've seen something at the local sports centre just for this sort of thing, in case there may be something like that nearby. Maybe get any thing he's interested in, say climbing or any activity and go for that. Good luck.

I'm not judging Infinite. I was just stating what I had experienced. It didn't seem healthy to me but different things work for different people.

Can you track his food/ exercise in MyFitnessPal, making sure you entering the portion sizes correctly? I think it might be an eye opener for you.

What does he eat in a typical day - does he have school lunches?

Can you track his food/ exercise in MyFitnessPal, making sure you entering the portion sizes correctly? I think it might be an eye opener for you
I was going to suggest that too. I think many people are a bit confused about portion sizes, and also tend to "forget" the drinks and little nibbles which all mount up. There's also a lot of confusion about what is healthy and what isn't, mainly because of the whole "low fat" trend the government started, when it's actually carbohydrate - especially refined carbs and fructose - which are the far bigger issue.

My DS put on ALOT of weight in y7 as he suddenly had access to snacks, tuck shop, high calorie school dinners, shop after school & eating before we got home. We don't give him much cash any more for school as he couldn't make healthy choices at first. We give him a healthy packed lunch with water.
I would suggest the Op make sure her DS eats only 3 meals a day - no snacks, no junk in the house whatsoever, no deserts but a good portion of healthy food for each meal. This is basically what slimming world is, good luck!

I would say go for it, I have several colleagues who have lost and maintained their weight loss on SW.
I am a teacher, and have seen 3 very large students (youngest 12) lose significant amounts of weight by following the plan, and they have maintained this loss too. One of the most effective things seems to be when the family all follow the plan, which is actually fairly easy and boils down to simple healthy eating. I agree the leader is key though to how he feels about it- maybe he goes to 'support' his mum but joins in as well? A phone call to several leaders in your town will help you to find the best fit. Hope it goes well.

If my son had a weight problem there is only one way I'd tackle it and that is to have the whole family eating healthier, and to not mention to my son anything to do with his weight. I'd cook us all healthy meals and have smaller less regular unhealthy snacks. If my husband wasn't happy that he can take a hike as children come first.

Thanks so much for all your replies, I've read through them all and have been thinking about everything that has been said.

I think I'm as much to blame as DH. He has had a lifelong weight problem (his DM, who was a lovely person and not intentionally abusive in any way, didn't know how to help him lose weight, and so only fed him once a day and put a lock on the fridge). DS has inherited his DF body shape and from an early age he was teased by relatives for being fat. We explained about his body shape and how his DF is the same, that people come in all different shapes and sizes, and emphasised that he shouldn't compare himself to others, but that if he eats healthily and exercises then he will be fine. It's only been since September that his weight has dramatically increased. The hospital doctor said pre-puberty is part of the reason.

I've never had an issue with weight and am one of those people who eats whatever they like - I do eat healthily most of the time but can also binge on biscuits and cakes (I hide that from the kids) and I'm a constant grazer. I think maybe I'm afraid of feeling hungry, and use food to comfort and when I'm tired as well, and maybe that's what DS picks up on. I allow snacks in the house, but I say it has to be fruit, veg or dairy, even if I don't necessarily keep to that myself.

I think our portion sizes are too big and I'm so used to that I don't see it. My DM (70 years old) who can't eat much anymore, regularly comments that DS has a plateful bigger than she does. I did MyFitnessPal a while back and in the evenings, DH and I regularly eat a plate of rice that's over 700 calories. Add in meat and veg, that's a meal well over 1000 calories. Actually, I shouldn't be eating like my DH as it's not right for me, it's just is easier with meal planning etc.

I think calorie counting as an educational exercise would be a good idea. Then DS can have a greater understanding of what he can eat freely and what he has to restrict, to aid healthy choices. But I don't want him to constantly monitor that.

I phoned the SW lady, am waiting for a callback still. But I definitely won't take him if it's in a room with adults also trying to lose weight. That would make him feel awful.

Thank you so much everyone for your help with this, I've gone from a panic to a plan!

It's horrible to be worried about your DC's weight, regardless of whether they are underweight or overweight.

Personally - and this is just my 2p worth - I do not agree with "dieting". Firstly, not eating enough (and not eating regularly) can fool your metabolism into "starvation mode", because it slows right down in case the next meal is not forthcoming.

Secondly, everything in moderation + portion control + fuelling the body appropriately for the amount of exercise = a far simpler long term healthy eating ethos.

Your DH's one meal a day thing is not healthy mentally or physically and I would be worried about that as an example to your DCs. Actually your "grazing" is not a bad way to eat as it keeps the metabolism ticking over.

Banning chocolate etc can be counter-productive too as many people crave something sweet, especially after lunch. I used to take 2 squares of chocolate to work with my packed lunch as I knew I really needed something sweet. Better to have 2 squares than get cravings and buy a whole bar, IMHO.

If you could get - from SW or better yet, a Nutritionist - a healthy eating plan for the WHOLE family, including a little bit of all the food groups so nobody feels hungry/restricted, then I can't help feeling that this would be a better long term solution. Plus you are not singling your DS out so you would be avoiding accidental body shaming.

I speak as someone who had an emotional relationship with food for years, due to my parents' attitude to food. In our house we went from one extreme to another - yoyo dieting, I suppose. Too many times when I was young, I saw the effect of "dieting" then reverting to "normal food" and the weight never stays off for long.

Does that make sense? Hope I haven't rambled.

Please please please do not let your son know that your husband stops eating to lose weight. My mum used to do that and my DS and Db both had eating disorders as teenagers/early 20's.

I don't think SW is a bad idea for him provided you don't force him to go against his will.

I agree dieting isn't good and only sets you up for failure, it's a viscous cycle. Cut right down on portion sizes. Get a old style ice cream scoop for rice, mash, peas etc. use your fist as guesswork for chicken, chops etc. My son has a friend who is overweight, his mother served up the birthday cake at a party recently and I kid you not the slice was 3 times the size of a piece of cake you'd eat in Starbucks and the like. She's a feeder, my son cannot keep up with the amount her child can eat!

It sounds like you need to reset what is a healthy portion size and healthy diet. Go to sw as at least that's a step in the right direction.

If your ds is significantly overweight at 11, that will not change unless his eating habits change. Get it sorted before the teen years hit and he stops listening to you and feels miserable about girls.

I've cut down on the junk in the house already, but my DH didn't want me to cut completely as he said DS has to learn a bit of self control

This jumped out at me. I have never really developed self control and I'm heading towards middle age. I eat healthily most of the time, my portion sizes are okay (could be smaller) but when I have some chocolate or cake I just can't stop at one helping. My mum and dad always had a tin full of biscuits, not a problem for them as they could have just one or two, but I would raid it after school and eat a whole packet at at time.

I disagree strongly with your dh that having a cupboard full of temptation will help your ds to learn to resist it. If he has compulsive or binge eating tendencies then that junk will be calling to him constantly and when something triggers him to eat he will raid it. How does your dh think this self control will be learnt?

If the junk isn't there and your ds can't eat it when he's bored, upset, stressed or what ever his trigger is, then you can work with your ds to find another way for him to deal with those feelings.

You say your dh just doesn't eat when he wants to lose weight. I guess that he has an easy relationship with food, perhaps sees it as fuel, and is he one of those people who finds the weight drops off quite quickly? You say have never gained weight either, so I guess you both need to investigate overeating issues and what it's like to be overweight so you can help your ds.

Okay I've read through a bit more and I see your dh has a complicated relationship with food! Scrap my bit about him having an easy relationship with it!

Instead of having smaller portions you could simply fill the plate up with more veg, like broccoli, carrots and peas instead of some of the carbs which might help. I agree about not having junk food around being helpful as well, I have the same kind of think with my DH (who also does the one big meal a day thing) so can see similarities, it's not helpful is it. Seeing food as simply something we need to eat, not a 'treat' is better.

Just to add one more thing my dh also regularly has 'one' meal a day. The thing is that meal is enormous and it can be followed by packets of crisps, cheese & biscuits, bars of chocolate, all justified by the fact he hasn't eaten all day. It has been a disaster for his waist line.