Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To re-ask this guy out?

28 replies

ConkerGame · 02/05/2017 21:03

I've been single for two years and really at the point now where I want to be settled in a serious relationship (I'm nearing 30). I've been on a lot of dates but very rarely meet anyone I click with.

About 2 months ago I reconnected with a guy I had known when I was 18-20. I hadn't known him very well but had found him attractive and recently found out we had a new shared hobby so I messaged him and he asked if I wanted to go for a drink.

We went on 3 brilliant dates (at the end of the first date I thought I have found "the one"!) - instant connection, attraction, plenty to talk about and shared interests etc.

The problem was that he was absolutely terrible at messaging, to the point I found it upsetting. He took 3 days to reply to my initial message, 8 days to reply to my second message and basically wasn't in touch at all in between dates. I would message the day after the date to say I'd had a nice time and did he want to meet the following Thursday...and he would reply on the following Thursday (a whole week later) saying, sure what do you want to do this eve? It meant we never really developed the relationship between dates, I was getting upset checking my phone and not receiving anything, and I was getting fed up at holding a night free for him in case he replied on the day to say he could make it.

After our third date I explained to him how I'd been feeling - that I really liked him but that his lack of responses made me feel like he wasn't interested and drove me a bit crazy in terms of trying to make plans. He said sorry, I'm just really bad at messaging and like to be independent and that's probably not going to change. My friends have sometimes even worried I've disappeared! If that's going to drive you crazy then it's probably best if we stop seeing each other as I don't want to hurt you. I was gutted as I thought he'd say that he would at least try to improve, but as he didn't, we agreed to end things.

It's now been a few weeks and I'm just feeling really low about it. He's pretty much the only guy I've met who I've really liked in two years and now I wonder whether I gave up on things too soon? But then I think if he was a decent guy he would have said he'd try to be a more considerate and reply at least to messages organising dates? And I don't think independence is a very good excuse either really as I'm also independent but capable of replying to a text! I don't know, I'm confused - WWYD?

OP posts:

LilacSpatula · 02/05/2017 21:07

To be honest I wouldn't do anything. He sounds really flakey and I'm sure you can do better. I can't bear men like that.

witwootoodleoo · 02/05/2017 21:07

If he's this flaky and inconsiderate just 3 dates in when you should be on the first flush of romance it's only going to get worse. He's telling you who he is. Listen to him.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/05/2017 21:09

Doesn't sound like he is as into you as you are him, TBH. If you really do want to try one more time you should, to avoid the what if but if he is just the same as before, cut your losses.

BuckinghamLass · 02/05/2017 21:12

Sorry, if he liked you he'd be finding any excuse to message you. Think you need to move on. Sorry you're feeling low, dating can be brutal.

Itsmeitscathy · 02/05/2017 21:13

Don't go near him, if he's like that at the beginning it's not going to get any better. I'm just out of a 6 month "relationship" with s guy like that and it was infuriating.

Epipgab · 02/05/2017 21:14

He's just not that into you, sorry.

ifeelcraptonight · 02/05/2017 21:15

He's just not that interested. Sorry

PeaFaceMcgee · 02/05/2017 21:16

You want to be in a serious relationship. He doesn't. You can't change him. It's not you x

expatinscotland · 02/05/2017 21:17

He's just not that into you.

stitchglitched · 02/05/2017 21:18

If he was that into you he would have messaged you regardless of how 'bad' he is at it. I don't think it would do your self esteem any good to go chasing a guy who wasn't that fussed last time round. You can do better.

Original poster

ConkerGame · 02/05/2017 21:21

Thanks all, that's what I thought I guess, hence why I ended it. It's just that he said he liked me and just happened to be bad at messaging everyone so I shouldn't take it personally.

I think I've just been holding out hope though as I'm really quite miserable about not meeting anyone after so many dates and got so excited about finally finding that spark :-(

OP posts:

SweetLuck · 02/05/2017 21:23

By independant I think he means 'free agent'.

tillytrotterstootsies · 02/05/2017 21:23

Sorry OP but I wouldn't go there. If he had liked you, he would message you.

I'm not one for constant messaging, it puts me off - but no contact until the day of proposed date? That's the opposite end of the scale and just plain rude.

Chloe84 · 02/05/2017 21:24

He sounds like the male version of me, OP. I can take weeks to reply to texts from friends/relatives, as I just don't enjoy texting.

However, with ex and now my DH, I reply within seconds. Basically, I make the effort without even thinking about it. If he's not doing the same, then he's just not that into you. He will reply to texts promptly when he clicks with someone.

I think you made the right decision breaking things off. Hope you meet someone who appreciates your every text soon.

Oysterbabe · 02/05/2017 21:29

I bet he's looking for something quite casual. You did the right thing ending it.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/05/2017 21:40

He isn't interested and no I'd have no time for game players.

If he was really interested he'd make an effort.

SweetLuck · 02/05/2017 21:41

He's not a game player, he's been totally honest with the OP.

Gabilan · 02/05/2017 21:42

But then I think if he was a decent guy he would have said he'd try to be a more considerate and reply at least to messages organising dates?

I don't think this is about whether he's a decent guy or not. As pp have said, he's just not that into you, unfortunately. The two of you aren't a good match.

I do feel for you. Dating can be soul destroying. But that doesn't mean you should be settling for second best.

happypoobum · 02/05/2017 21:42

Conker let me tell you something.

You deserve someone who is checking his phone to see if you are responding to his messages, not someone who just doesn't give a shit.

Please don't settle for less -not from this man or any other. You are still young, please believe me.

Spectre8 · 02/05/2017 21:46

He is basically indicating to you that he doesn't see you are someone who is worth texting more often and you definately deserve better and have more self worth than that so run like the wind.

MadMags · 02/05/2017 21:48

Honestly, if he liked you enough he'd have made more of an effort.

It sounds like he's not that into you. who needs him?!

flyingpinkduckgirl · 02/05/2017 22:04

No, don't go there again!
There may have been some mutual attraction but he couldn't be bothered to message you, you sound like you did all the running/arranging and when you told him how you felt he backed off.
Save yourself a blow to your pride and let it lie..... You deserve better!

KC225 · 02/05/2017 22:48

Please read the book 'He's just not that into you.' Very quick read and an eye opener.

If he really wanted to be with you he would make an effort to text/message you so as not to loose you. It's not such a big deal, texting and messaging is not asking him to change his core values.

30 is not so old but it can be a time when you look around and all your friends seem coupled up. Be kind to yourself OP

Ohyesiam · 02/05/2017 23:25

Op, you need a man who checks his phone ask the time waiting for a msg from you.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't meet your needs. It would drive you crazy, constantly wondering where he was, and of he still remembered you exist.... That exerts a massive power imbalance in a relationship.

You can have it all, and find a mean who you click with, who is really excited about you, and ready for a relationship.

Hope it happens soon.

Gabilan · 03/05/2017 07:38

OP I'll tell you something I wish I could go back and tell my 29 year old self - never, ever lower your standards. You are worth more than that.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread