Feel too guilty to work a 3 day week

[sailfree]

Bit of background. Have worked my way up to a fairly good salary and am now in my late 30s. I went down to a 4 day week after maternity leave when DC were smaller and have stayed on 4 day week, they are now in primary school. I always wanted to do a 3 day week for a better balance but DH was still training and earning very little so it wasn't possible. He now has a salary that is a lot less than mine but still makes a big difference to us.
I have always found my job stressful, draining and tiring as it involves a lot of responsibility. I would still love to go down to a 3 day week as I think it would affect me less, I would be happier and have a better balance. However, my DC would be in school for most of the day on my two days off. The salary I take home would reduce by a quarter. And I feel massive guilt every time I think about doing this just for me.
Am I nuts to feel bad? Nuts to consider reducing my hours at this stage? Can any wise mumsnetters give me some perspective?
Thank you all.

Do you have the option of annualised hours? So you could do more hours in termtime and less in the holidays?

I work term time hours. Leave for work as the kids leave for school and get back home at the same time as them. I am sucked dry at the moment as I haven't had a moment to myself for so long. When I get a chance to reduce my hours to 4 days for a bit, which happens periodically, I will jump at it.

I'll probably spend most of that time catching up on cleaning and decorating, but mentally, it will be a very much needed break and I will not feel guilty at all.

Yes go down to three days if you can afford it, and absolutely no need to feel guilty. I'm sure you wouldn't regret it. It will benefit all of you, and your long term health (physical and mental) most of all.

Agree with pp's if your earning double what your DH is then it makes more sense for him to reduce hours. If you both did 4 days a week or he drops to 3 then housework could be taken care of by him. Get yourself a cleaner too, it really is money well spent to free up time of a weekend. Dropping hours to pick up housework slack if your a higher earner is really counterproductive in a monetary sense.

I worked three days a week when my DD was little and have recently moved to 4 days a week when she started school. I do feel a little sad about it but ive managed to arrange it so I only do 3 days a week during the school holidays. Some colleagues have managed to arrange term time working only. Overall I now work 75% of full time hours rather than 60% (= 3 days.) Im required to produce a 52 week rota which actually enables me to arrange my rest days around school inset days etc and allows me to maximise my annual leave days.Perhaps you could look at a monthly pattern rather than set days each week. So you could maybe work a bespoke pattern such as M T W then T W T F then W T F to maximise your days off. Thinking innovatively might offer you the combination of time at home and Income that will work for you.

I cant really tell if its the job stress or the hours that are really annoying you. If its the stress you may even find that a job you like over 5 days helps you and reduces the reduction in your salary, ability to save for childrens future and pension pot. If you just want a day or two off in addition to the weekend you should speak to your husband as he might:

1. Feel a little vexed that he is having to work more than you but whatever expectations you have of him contributing to the housework etc dont change.

1. Or he just makes a number of assumptions and stops any contribution anyway

(this assume he is doing something just now anyway).

You are seeking to reduce your hours at a stage many others are trying to increase theirs. I wonder if its more the job itself is the issue.

Do what is best for you if the impact on family is not huge.

If you find your job stressful you may find in future you cannot work or take a lower position. That could affect your family greatly.

Talk to your dh and decide a plan.

When kids are young the time goes fast. Yes, they are at school but there are three big holiday and three half terms a year so lots of time to be with them.

Do it. If you're worried about committing then maybe see if you could do it on a temporary basis or use annual leave to test it out. I'm very much live for the now since my mum died recently (early fifties).
I'd get a cleaner as well! I don't know what I did without mine. Just someone cleaning the bathrooms and bottoming the kitchen takes a load off us both every week.

A happy mother is a happy family. Reduce if you can afford to

Reduce to 3 days and chill. Maybe eventually do something else on one of the days that is more low key, if you want to. Or what about non-exec roles or some consultancy for example 1 or 2 days a month?

Go to 3 days
Life is short

What Feline said^^

Why don't you do what you suggested? 3 days one week and 4 the next. You can assess the impact and the salary drop will be less. It might be enough for you to feel less stressed and if not you could drop to 3/week. Mental health is really important. I went back to 4/week (full time but compressed) a couple of years ago and I feel much more stressed and unable to switch off than when I worked 3. DC at secondary and if anything I wish I was around more for them then when they were in primary.

I know a lot of others have mentioned this, but it's not just a choice between paying down the mortgage and working fewer hours. It's the lost opportunity to contribute more to your pension, save for your DCs educations, store up a rainy day fund, etc. When most families make financial sacrifices it's to look after pre-schoolers, not just have extra days at home.

I do wonder if responses would be the same if OP was a man. Each family needs to make the decision that's right for them, but I also think working mothers are such big positive role model for children, both boys and girls. I would think about the messaging for your children so as not to reinforce the view that women work less so they can sort home life out.

If you find your job so stressful OP have you thought about doing something else?

I think you should reduce your days - but say in a year and a half/two years. Save as much as you possibly can in that time and either continue to overpay your mortgage /start wee college fund. Do you think you would feel better doing that and knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel? Would that perhaps make you feel leas guilty about he financial aspect?

For what it is worth - i went from a 30hr contract in a management role to a 17.5hr more basic role. This was about 6 months after returning from mat leave. I found the demand of management too difficult whilst caring for my DD. I do feel guilty that I have more that halved my income, but I have a better work life balance and it was good for me to do at the time. Incidently currently goi theough recruitment process for a new position at 27hrs... I feel that I can accomodate that as it will be over three days instead of my current 5 day week (3.5hrs a day).. now DD is older I feel able to take on more hours again, albeit not in a management role and the bonus of only working three days a week.

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do, I know how you are feeling and it is a hard decision to make.

I have done 3 days per week (long commute too) for a good few years (son now in year 11). But I do all cleaning, cooking, shopping, house admin, school admin. So that definitely makes an equivalent to my husband's 5 days working locally. Don't feel guilty.

*working mothers are such big positive role model for children, both boys and girls. I would think about the messaging for your children so as not to reinforce the view that women work less so they can sort home life out.
*

Parents can be a good role model in many ways, not just by working full time outside the home.

I have shown my kids the value of self nurture, of finding a balance in life, of the value of caring for others, of having a creative spirit, of good food cooked from scratch, of maintaining a good exercise regime, and how to make money without having a job.

Westray, I couldn't agree more! What I was trying to highlight was that so often those areas outside of paid work seem to fall to women to role model, with the men seen as the main income earners. It doesn't need to be that way.

Interested to hear more of making money without working too, any tips?!

Just do it OP. You can save money elsewhere. I used to work 2 days and spent so much time feeling guilty. Now I do twice as many hours and look back on those times as so precious. Why the hell did I waste my energy feeling guilty?!? I also found because I had more time I was more organised and spent less money.

I didn't say that I don't work at all, I do earn money from working at home, my kids have also worked out ways of earning from home while still at school.

Living a balanced life is a better role model to my kids than someone ( many men) working a 50 hour week, coming home exhausted, long commute, no time to exercise or watch nature or walk, or try out new recipes, or paint a wall orange for the fun of it, or to sculpt, paint, have vegetable plots or any number of the lovely activities that have a value in life.

Would you be able to easily change again in the future?

Since kids I've done part time, part time in two jobs, evenings, contract of various fractions and now full time...
Here's the thing... NONE of them are right!!!

In my experience, 4 days often means that the other one day is taken up with... work. And it's difficult to get colleagues etc to realise that the one day you are not in is a day you are not working (as opposed to those FT "working from home" one day a week). Three days give a clearer cut off between work and non-work. I was supposed to be 0.5 but that failed miserably, but at least it was easy to work out holidays etc. And extra things like events, where FT member of staff does 2, I was supposed to do 1. Working 0.8 (4 days) would mean I would end up doing... 2...

You have to consider school holidays as well. What is available if you work full time hours? (Annoyingly most of the local care is school hours only...) Can you flex your hours to work with school hours / term time? (eg 3 days spread over 5? Although that's a bit of a nightmare as you end up rushing everywhere all the time... sometimes it is better to get a full day of proper work in. School day is so short!)

Hope you find a solution that works for you!

Lenny, the OP wasn't saying she wouldn't work though. She is talking about reducing hours so she would work a 3 day week and so would still be a good role model from that point of view. Pensions and rainy day funds are all well and good and very sensible but so is good health and mental well being. People get caught up with money when it's not the most important thing. I am shaped by my experiences though as my brother died of cancer in his 20's and my mum died of cancer in her 60's so I, like a pp, am very much a 'live for the day' person. My boss used to say 'no one lies on their death bed thinking 'l wish I'd spent more time at work'.

I'm not disagreeing with you as such OP, but I think working 3 days with school aged dc is a luxury for most people, especially if you're the higher earner.

What do you do on your day off? Do you have time to yourself or is it all chores? I agree with pp who said if you had 2 days off your dp would expect you to do more / all of the housework/wifework so make sure you discuss it with him first.

In the long term, do you see yourself staying in your job? A stressful job may be difficult to keep doing even 3 days a week. At your age you're too young to burn out.

£600 a month is a lot of income to drop by. It can have quite an impact on family life. People often quote that death bed line about not wishing they'd worked more, but I would argue (if I can remember the research correctly):

• those studies were largely very wealthy men, who probably worked insane hours and spent very little time with their families. I'm not sure you'd get the same answer from people who'd struggled financially or given up too much for their families

I hope you come to a decision you're happy with. Among my friends it's agreed that working 3 days is the perfect balance with pre school kids - though not all of them manage this - but once both dc are in school most are working more again. My dc are 3 and 5 and i work 3 days a week so I'll have the same dilemma next year!

Incidentally, all my grandparents lived to late 80s - 101 so I feel that retirement could be very long (if I'm lucky!)!

Stop feeling guilty! It's a road to nowhere. If you want to go to 3 days, are able to in your job and also can afford it - then why not?

I work 3 days and both my kids are at school now. It suits me perfectly and I don't feel a shred of guilt about it. I don't get home till about 7 - 7.30 pm on the 3 days that I do work, and have a fairly full on job, so I relish having 2 days to do school pick up, after school activities, hanging out with the kids after school etc. And during the day - I do whatever I want! It's a great balance.