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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel too guilty to work a 3 day week

75 replies

sailfree · 02/05/2017 21:02

Bit of background. Have worked my way up to a fairly good salary and am now in my late 30s. I went down to a 4 day week after maternity leave when DC were smaller and have stayed on 4 day week, they are now in primary school. I always wanted to do a 3 day week for a better balance but DH was still training and earning very little so it wasn't possible. He now has a salary that is a lot less than mine but still makes a big difference to us.
I have always found my job stressful, draining and tiring as it involves a lot of responsibility. I would still love to go down to a 3 day week as I think it would affect me less, I would be happier and have a better balance. However, my DC would be in school for most of the day on my two days off. The salary I take home would reduce by a quarter. And I feel massive guilt every time I think about doing this just for me.
Am I nuts to feel bad? Nuts to consider reducing my hours at this stage? Can any wise mumsnetters give me some perspective?
Thank you all.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 02/05/2017 21:32

I worked full time before had DC, then I worked 3 days a week when the dc were very small. I got very little done on my home days then, other than look after DC; certainly not much admin etc.

When DD (youngest DC) started full time primary school last September I went up to 4 days a week, as I felt that I coudlnltldo my job properly anymore in 3 days, and also felt guilty about having 2 days to myself while DH was at work full time. In my non-working day, I do a bit of house admin, cleaning, batch cooking and something for myself (long swim, bike ride, run, art gallery etc). I spend the weekends facilitating other people's sport, parties etc that I don't mind if I get to do something for me on my Mondays. We have no local family and DH is often away for work, this is the only slack in our system.

rookiemere · 02/05/2017 21:32

Don't forget the school holidays- 3 days a week are massively helpful for that.

Westray · 02/05/2017 21:33

I don't feel guilty.

I have teenagers and work 15 hours a week. My OH and kids have a nice ordered home, a relaxed mother and lots of family time.

Sara107 · 02/05/2017 21:34

How flexible is your job op? I work 32 hrs per week ( down from 33), as I feel exactly like you about wanting more time off. But I also take an additional 4 weeks holiday per year ( unpaid) which really helps with the school holidays. Could you do something like that with parental leave (you get 18 weeks per child) and you can take up to 4 weeks per year. The benefit of this is that you get some time off but without altering your contract.

OlennasWimple · 02/05/2017 21:36

Think about the long term as well as short term implications of dropping your hours (eg your pension will be much smaller)

Think about what impact it might have on your career - would you be happy to not be promoted ever again?

think about what you might want to do in ten years when the kids are older

DaniHood · 02/05/2017 21:39

Do it 100% - life is too short .

You can always increase hours back up if it didnt work. Utilising parental leave for both you & DH is also a good idea

Whatawaytomakealiving · 02/05/2017 21:40

As you earn more could DH reduce his hours and do more at home. Would ease time pressures for you, making life easier, whilst family income isn't affected as much.

Spectre8 · 02/05/2017 21:41

I can understand the reason why because of the stress, although personally I would stick with it and clear the mortgage and then drop hours, that way if something happened to DP or I lost my job there is far less financial stress if your not paying a mortgage. Also what about your pension? Are you happy to forgo having a better pension provision available?

Original poster

sailfree · 02/05/2017 21:45

I have reached a stage where there isn't really anywhere to be promoted to, and I am fine with that as I don't want yet more stress and responsibility. DH used to do more at home while he was studying and I was working and it has been harder on me from that point of view since he has been working but him earning a salary takes the pressure off in other ways. He is also off over the summer so that is very helpful with DC. I wonder if I should trial the 3 day week in some way and see what difference it makes. The only times I have experienced it, for example, on a bank holiday week, I have noticed how it feels like the perfect balance.

OP posts:

Rachel0Greep · 02/05/2017 21:46

Could you try it out for say, a year, and see how it goes? There are lots of considerations, I know, financially etc. But maybe you just need a bit of time to yourself, please don't feel guilty about that. I have had to take time away from work recently for health reasons, and as much as I would have loved that things didn't happen as they did, I also think it made me realise what the important things are in my life. And I am one of them...

If you have always worked, and have overpaid the mortgage and so on, a bit of time away from the constant pressure could be just what you need. . Go for it.

Westray · 02/05/2017 21:47

OP is it the money- or is it because you feel as if you would be swinging the lead by only working 3 days?

Buttercupsandaisies · 02/05/2017 21:47

I work 3 days, DDs are 11&9. I've no intention of every doing more. Occasionally I may do a bit of overtime but only if I need the money. Being off work more than you're in really does make a difference. I find 4 days just as bad as 5 to be honest! With 3 days I have one day almost to myself - sort house and food the other. When I do 4 I'm almost exepected to do more - everything -despite only having school house free

Buttercupsandaisies · 02/05/2017 21:48

School hours

autumnmonths · 02/05/2017 21:48

Just do it. You are unlikely to look back. And if you do, go back to four days. :)

LadyLapsang · 02/05/2017 21:51

Have you ever considered working full time and getting your DH, who earns less, to take up the slack on housework, shopping, childcare and general life admin to make your life easier so you can enjoy family time at weekends? How would it stack up long term regarding pension? You won't get a state pension until about 67 +. Are you both on track for a full state pension and will your work / private pension be sufficient if you cut your hours / salary?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/05/2017 21:52

Could you do different hours? So two full days and two mornings? Or 1 full day and three school hour days. I'm doing this once my youngest goes to school in Sept. Means I'll save the childcare fees but more importantly will be able to do pick up 4 days a week so the kids will really benefit.

DeadGood · 02/05/2017 21:52

So much guilt, OP. I'd do it without a second thought.

The time you spend not at work will make a hugely positive impact on your whole family.

Original poster

sailfree · 02/05/2017 21:58

Its a combination of the reduction in money and yes, I would feel "lazy" in some way to be only working 3 days when in theory I could be working 4 or even 5. At the same time, I don't judge anyone else who works fewer hours. I think its just part of my identity to have this career and to be the main earner. I agree with poster above who said 4 days doesn't feel that different to 5 whereas I think 3 days would feel like a different life.

OP posts:

gamerwidow · 02/05/2017 22:09

I work 3 days a week with a school age child and it's brilliant. I could work more and the extra money would be nice but we don't desperately need it and the work life balance makes up for any missing cash.
I think it helps that I earn more working 3 days a week than my partner does working 5 days a week so it doesn't feel like I'm not contributing to the household as much.

FWIW I have a cleaner too and I certainly do not spend my precious child free days off doing housework and admin!

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/05/2017 22:10

I used to work 10 hours a week.
The whole time I worked those hours I felt guilty.
I used to regularly say 'I can't just work 10 hours can I?, Its ridiculous'
So I kept upping my hours. By the time I left the job I was working three times that amount and ended up having a breakdown.

The reason I was working ten hours was I am a carer for my OH and a DS, and had a toddler and a baby as well as a teen.

I look back now and think I was a bloody idiot for feeling guilty about 'only' working ten hours.

Don't feel guilty.
If you can do it, do it.

I am back working 16 hours. The kids are all older but I am still a carer x 2.
I no longer feel guilty about being part time.

Westray · 02/05/2017 22:10

I think working only a few hours is a great life.
My OH thinks it's great too.
He is often away on business, he knows that while he is away our kids are cared for, I have lots of time to take the kids to extra curricular activities, make sure the house runs smoothly, I do all the family finances cooking and housework through the week, and I have plenty time to make sure I lead a balanced life and do things that make me happy.
I did have a great career before kids, but I can't say that it was important to my identity.
I have never defined myself through a job.
I am made up of very many more part than that.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/05/2017 22:15

Could you run a second business PT from home?

flashheartscanoe · 02/05/2017 22:18

My kids are all in school and I still work a 3 day week. It's perfect. DH is jealous and is trying to reduce his hours too. As long as you are comfortable I don't think you should sacrifice your happiness for a college fund. What would be your dream for them when they grow up - to be able to work 3 days in a well paid and interesting job?
Your kids will really appreciate you being around more, relaxed and happier. Life is not just about obligation and work- stop feeling guilty! There's nothing lazy about wanting to fit all the other chores into weekdays so you all get a break at weekends.

LadyGagarden · 02/05/2017 22:23

Hiya, I went down to 3 days when DD's were small then gave up that job totally when DD1 started school (long story!). Both my DD's are now in school and I work 2 days, school hours. It's brilliant! The girls love that I do all the school drop offs and pick ups and we have no childcare costs as Dh and I can cover all the holidays between us (we really appreciate this after how expensive it was putting them in nursery when they were younger). I think the relationships in the family have benefitted in that I'm not tired and stressed out, things like meals are so much easier now than when I was working more and I can go to all the school events which I couldn't in the old job. Definitely feel that I'm more 'under control' than before. However, I am lucky in that DH and I both have good salaries and that financially we've not had to take a hit. I guess it's a mixture of what your priorities are, what you can afford to do and what help you have around you.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 02/05/2017 22:30

YANBU. Life is too short. Stress is too deadly. Go to three days and see if it works for you. Take care of yourself and please don't feel so guilty about it!

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