Nursing homes for elderly people with dementia. A good thread derailed; can we try again please?

[OCSockOrphanage]

I know there were some people adamantly opposed to the idea that they might ever need to place their parents in care. but this was, I felt, a useful thread for all of us wrestling with the decision. Any takers for its continuation?

My father has been in a nursing home since last autumn. It gets good CCQ ratings - and many of the staff are lovely. There are activities etc. But it's still horrible. It smells vile - especially on warm days. Dad is frequently in dirty clothes, and no one cleans or cuts his nails except me. The staff are so over-stretched. The place is dirty and shabby (but I'd rather money went into staff than wallpaper). But what alternative do I have? I can't look after him at home - he has dementia and mobility issues, and is doubly incontinent.

We are not at crisis point, yet, but it is coming. DMiL is managed very sensibly by a team of two plus SiL, for about 2-3 hours daily. After a couple of dodgy years, she at last has the help needed and is being reminded to eat the food prepared for her (most of the time) and take her meds. Thanks to them, she isn't deteriorating. But she claims to eat, and sleep and shower and wear clean clothes; the reality is that she only does so when nagged a bit. She says she goes out and plays bridge several afternoons each week, but doesn't. She remembers what she used to do regularly, but it doesn't happen now.

Except that she is livid with her son for saying she's not competent to drive (and phones me to say so, frequently!) She hasn't been capable of driving any distance for four years, but still insists she would be fine to tackle the six hours between our homes (last time, she got lost for three hours and had to be rescued from the middle of nowhere).

Eventually, she will get a nasty virus/bug and succumb quickly, or there will be a move to full nursing care. A few years ago, she asked me to accompany her on the Swiss Air route, but she is no longer competent to make the decision. DH despairs, and it's desperately sad for everyone. Nevertheless, she has her wits sufficiently to be able to answer the social worker's questions fluently, and to blag the ones she gets wrong.

My father a doctor paid for care at home (dementia) and it cost by the £130k in the last year - used the last of his savings and then died. Luckily all kinds of bits of his body went not just his mind so it was not too slow an ending but still pretty nasty. i was very very pleased as was he that he could die at home where he'd lived for almost 50 years. By the end we had to pay two carers (but only one over night) due to the lifting requirements. His bed was downstairs by then.

Like the post above my father sometimes thought things were happening which weren't - eg that his carers were his nurses at the hospital, that he was travelling to see patients at his clinic. He was so sweet and accepting of the care he needed in a very humble gentle way, quite lovely to see.